Relative Evil

---

[lighter clicking]

(boy)

I've never been so drunk

I couldn't drive.

I've been so drunk,

I couldn't climb stairs.

I've been so drunk,

I couldn't get my fly open,

and instead, I tried to pee

down my leg through the cuff.

but I've always been able

to drive home afterwards.

So I'm pretty

cooked,

but it's

a freeway.

Who can f*** up

a freeway?

I mean, you get on the ramp,

and off you go.

But then the world's

full of a**holes.

And sure enough,

about six miles

from my home,

I met one.

He was driving north

on the south road,

high-beams on,

screaming towards me.

I swerve left,

and this wing nut

swerves right.

We meet

at the guardrail.

I end up in a plaster suit,

and this sauced banker bastard

who guzzled down one too many

at his country club social

miraculously drives

ten miles the wrong way

without another car

in sight,

like he's looking

for me.

Sends me

through the windscreen

into the arms

of friendly Officer Waters

and my steppop.

I don't think the prick

even spilled his drink.

I got my fourth D-dub

and a six-month vacation

at Feather Lane

Juvenile Detention Center,

courtesy

of the county court.

I think my steppop was looking

for a more permanent solution.

He kept telling my ma

I should be tried as an adult.

[whimsical music]

[buzzer buzzing]

[door opening]

Ready?

Yeah.

[swallowing deeply]

Yeah, I-I think I am.

[woman over TV]

It may look

like spring outside,

but Mother Nature is

about to play

the cruelest of all

April Fools' jokes.

It's opening day.

Central Stadium

is already snowed out,

and winter is coming back.

A cold front

from the north

mixing with this

high-pressure system

is going to hold

the front above us

for the foreseeable future.

While the rest

of the country

can expect

springlike temperatures,

the Great Lakes area is looking

at 8 to 12 inches by midnight

and temperatures

well below freezing.

Skies are

already darkening,

and an accumulation of moisture

promises prolonged snow

(man)

Snow on opening day.

It's the owners,

Benji.

They're afraid of the sun,

so they put stuff

in the clouds

so they get

their domes.

[whimsical music]

You misunderstand.

It's--

it's not "if."

That's

"by all means if."

That's not even

a question.

It's just

I was wondering

if we shouldn't be

discussing when.

You know, I mean

it's his first day home and all.

Today.

Today,

you're thinkin'?

You're thinking

today.

Today's the day.

[man over TV]

Wolves, God's little janitors,

feed on the sick,

the weak,

those unwilling

or unable--

Wow, this is it.

I just wanted

to thank you all,

and I could not

have done it without you.

You all were

right there for me.

And if

I can do it--

well, hell,

if I can do it--

JJ, time to go.

[ping-pong ball clicking]

[wolves snarling]

(woman)

Is it him?

It can't be him.

It's too early

to be him.

(boy)

No.

It's them.

What?

It's way too goddamn

early for them.

Please, Bull,

it's JJ's day.

It's a goddamn freak show

is what it is, Phyllis.

Sis!

Bernie!

It's hard to believe

it's spring, huh?

Was driving

bad, Dot?

How are you?

Ducky.

The game on,

huh, Bull?

Nah,

it's snowed out.

Ah, watching the game

with a nice cold one.

Nice chilly one.

(Phyllis)

Punch, Ernie?

Dot?

You know, Phyllis,

to tell you the truth,

I'd rather have one

of Bull's chilly ones there.

Guava punch--

the guavas are from Vietnam.

With bits of orange--

Ernie!

Yes, sis?

Punch?

(Bull)

Who the f***

is drinking punch?

I just thought

with JJ coming home

from the rehabilitation center,

it might be nice

to try and offer some

nonalcoholic alternative.

Yes, yes, punch.

I think the boy

probably knows

there's such a thing as beer

in this world, Phyllis.

[chuckling]

That's not really

the point, Bull.

I wonder what spring

is like in Vietnam.

(Bull)

I don't see the point

in punishing us

'cause the boy's

got a problem.

This is some fancy punch,

Phyllis.

I'm not punishing you,

Bull,

but for the next

couple of weeks,

Dr. Charlie at the center

urged me

to keep alcoholic beverages

out of the house.

This isn't easy

for him.

And whatever we can do

to help--

We could tie him to a stake

in the backyard

is what we could do.

(Phyllis)

He's been away

six months.

This is not the same child

who left here, Bull.

He was sick,

and now he's healing.

And after the healing

comes repentance,

and after repentance,

maybe, just maybe, forgiveness.

Where'd you read that?

It was in one of the brochures

they sent me.

(Bull)

Well, I'll tell you what,

Phyllis,

I lost a $6,400 Monte Carlo

'cause of that boy,

but I ain't even

going to mention it.

I ain't going to mention

Monte Carlos

or seven years

of my working life

or the fact that the boy

was clinically dead

while driving my car

at 115 miles an hour.

But I'll be

goddamned

if I'm going to lose

a $2 sixer of beer as well.

I should check

on the cake.

Dot, you want

to see the cake?

Sure.

The boy made

this bed,

and he damn well

better learn to lie in it.

[whimsical music]

(JJ)

Don't you have another car

that doesn't say

"Drug Offender" on it?

It says

"Second Chance," JJ.

This is the chariot

of second chances.

Beats the hell

out of that police van

that brought you to us,

don't you think?

Or your wheelchair.

Anyway, it's

a good snow car.

It's a--

[thumping]--

real road gripper.

(Ernie)

Me and Dottie were talking

on the way over, Bull,

and, you know,

we just want you to know,

you know, everything

that you're doing for JJ--

this party, you know,

the punch--

you know, 'cause you get

a little gravy on your shirt,

you don't throw it away.

You send it to the professionals

to get cleaned.

Give it to the pros.

What do you want to bet

that sucker comes back

good as new?

Yes, sir.

Smelling like a rose.

Yep, it's funny.

I remembered the day the boy

cost me my job, you know,

at the post office.

Seeing him there

at 3:
00 in the morning.

Driving in my postal truck

up and down the street, yelling,

"The British are coming;

the British are coming."

Police lined up

behind him.

It was like the goddamn

fourth of July parade.

Nine years and a pension

right down the drain.

Now I work

at Carpet Warehouse,

and yeah,

I could be

mad about it,

but you know,

now I just think it's--

[high-pitched tone]

funny.

Yep, funny.

(Dr. Charlie)

I got you the schedule

for the local AA meeting.

It's twice a week.

It's the basement

of the Y.

It's with people

like yourself, JJ,

people who are trying

to reassert

their rightful,

sober place

in a world wrought

with temptation.

Now, you know you shared

a long winter together

with everyone

at the center,

but it's going

to feel like spring.

It feels like--

well, it feels

like rebirth.

(Dot)

I can only stand

around the kitchen

looking at photo albums

for so long--

Ernie.

Now, Dot!

No smoking

in my house.

JJ at Little League,

JJ on a pony,

JJ doing whippets

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