Religulous
This is it.
I'm standing on the very spot
where many Christians believe
the world will come to an end.
It's called Megiddo.
And it's the place that
the Book of Revelation says
Jesus Christ
will come down to
to end the world and save
the people who believe in him.
Now when Revelations
was written,
only God had the capacity
to end the world,
but now man does too,
because unfortunately,
before man figured out
how to be rational
or peaceful, he figured out
nuclear weapons
and how to pollute
on a catastrophic scale.
And if it's one thing
I hate more than prophecy,
it's self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sometimes in your search
for happiness,
you ponder the meaning
of your life.
Who am I?
How did I come to be?
Death, and then what?
religion is detrimental
to the progress
of humanity.
You know, it's just selling
an invisible product.
It's too easy.
These questions
about what happens when you die,
that they will
just make up any story
and cling to it.
You know, things that they know
can't be true,
people who are otherwise
so rational about everything else,
and then they believe that
on Sunday
they're drinking the blood
of a 2,000-year-old God.
I can't...
that's a dissonance in my head.
I can't... I have to find out.
I just have to find out.
I have to try.
This is the Mount of Olives.
This is Jesus's footprints.
We're here freezing our ass off.
Is there anybody on the stage that
- does not believe in evolution?
- Yeah.
Hurry hurry hurry.
- I like my hat.
- You look good too.
Welcome to Bible Country!
"Birthplace of the Virgin Mary"?
I believe that God wants
everybody to be free.
That's what I believe,
and that's one part
of my foreign policy.
Bill, watch out.
Boy, do I feel cheap.
I want to thank God
for just blessing me so much.
Music has been
a blessing from God.
Thank you, Jesus!
You need a Holy Ghost enema
right up your rear end!
The archives are there on the fifth
floor where you see the curtains.
Yeah, put that away now.
Put that away.
If you look at my stand-up
from like the '80s... that era...
early '90s,
but I'm not ever questioning God.
I'm just making fun
about things
in the religion...
circumcision.
Circumcision...
I mean, I would've loved
to have been there for
the first people to hear about this.
We're used to it now,
but you know, I mean,
I'm sure when Moses came
down with this idea,
there had to be one guy going,
"Let me get this straight."
It was just
It's almost like
I'm roasting Him.
My mother is Jewish and my father
is Catholic. That is the truth.
I was raised Catholic formally,
although I must say
even in the Catholic system.
I'll give you an example.
We used to go into confession
and I would bring
a lawyer in with me.
You know.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
I think you know Mr. Cohen.
So let me get out some pictures.
There's me.
We weren't brought up Jewish.
I didn't even know
we had that side,
so it was very Catholic.
We went to church
every Sunday,
but I wouldn't take off the gun
it wasn't relevant
to my life.
Superman was relevant
and baseball.
We had this family
where one person
was Jewish
and the other three
were Catholic.
Now there it says
"A Sunday noon, fall '66,"
so we must've
just gotten back from church,
'cause I'm in a red suit
and you're choking the dog.
And I guess we got home from church
and took a picture with you.
It never occurred to me to say,
"Why didn't you go to church?"
Mom...
I don't remember
this ever coming up.
Of course you didn't go
to church with us.
No, we never had a family
discussion about it, never.
We never had
a family discussion about that.
Every family is dysfunctional.
So you thought even this,
which wasn't your religion,
was better than no religion.
Well, even this only
told you good things...
I thought.
But it's just so shamelessly
invented as they go along.
- We can say that now.
- Was anyone...
When we quit
the church, I was 13,
and I was of course thrilled,
but not for any ideological reason.
I was just thrilled
'cause I hated church.
It scared me.
It was boring.
I had to get up
on Sunday.
I was 13.
I would've worshiped anything
that could've allowed me
to masturbate even more
than I was masturbating
or get a girl. That god I would have
definitely worshipped.
Why do you remember
We used birth control,
and the church frowned
on birth control.
That was the biggest sin
- you could ever commit.
- Right, that would...
I think that was possibly...
he never said it to me.
And he never went back.
None of us ever did.
So now that we don't believe,
where did...
Nobody said we don't believe.
We don't believe in Catholicism.
Right, but what do
we believe in now?
Come on.
You're my mother, instruct me.
I don't know
the answer to that.
That's my answer.
We'll take some back roads to see
- some interesting stuff out here.
- Take some back roads.
We are heading toward Raleigh, right?
Oh, yeah, man, can't you feel it?
Do I stand up here?
So as I was going here,
I just jotted down
a few questions that came to my mind.
Are you ever bothered
by many things
that are in Christianity
that are not in the Bible?
Like original sin.
Immaculate conception.
in two of the Gospels... popes.
Are you worried that these things
came not from the founders,
the people that wrote
this book, but from...
and this is indisputable...
but from men,
from human beings
who came after?
And when I say men,
I mean people with penises.
If you wanna go back
to scientific proof,
I think it was determined
the shroud or whatever that was
I didn't get involved.
- Shroud of Turin?
- They took blood samples from it,
and it was female blood
with a male figure.
Okay, the only possible way
that the Holy Ghost
impregnated Mary
because it would've
been female blood
because it would've been
the only blood flowing through her.
- It's a faith thing.
- But why is faith good?
Why is believing something
without evidence good?
I don't like the way
this thing's going.
I don't know what
this documentary's supposed to be,
but I don't like
where you're going.
and you got a problem.
I don't know what you...
I'm outta here. You do what
you wanna do, but I'm outta here.
- I'm just asking questions.
- Okay, no problem.
When I've seen what I've seen,
I know there's a God.
You can't change my mind.
Nobody can change my mind.
I walked for 30 years
as a Satanist priest.
From the time I grew up,
I was in Satanism.
For the last six years,
that I was into Satanism,
I was a Satanist priest, okay?
- Real Satanism?
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"Religulous" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/religulous_16760>.
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