Return of the Killer Shrews

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In March 1959,

off the coast of Texas,

there were reports of a new species...

the giant killer shrew.

Thorne! Thorne! Thorne!

Get me out of here Thorne!

Thorne!

Somebody! Somebody!

Somebody help me!

Please somebody help me!

Rook!

Yeah Thorne?

Ah, nothing.

Well there it is.

The island.

Sure is a lot of quiet out there.

Too quiet.

Look, just dock the boat

and get this crap off of here.

I am not crap.

I am the sponsor

of a major network TV series.

While you're on my boat,

you're crap.

I'm paying you a hell of a lot of money

to transport us.

Who the hell are these people?

Some TV show.

Advent's Wild Safari.

We're here to shoot

the sizzle reel for MIPCOM.

Hi, I'm Christine. Miss Advent.

Well, twinkle, twinkle little star.

- I just wonder if you, uh...

- She's mine, old man.

Oh tiddley tuddley.

Let's get this happy couple off of here

and get away from this island.

Why are you so scared of the island?

It's not the island.

It's what was on it. Some time ago.

Oh! The boogie man, maybe.

If I was to tell you,

you'd have to change

your skiwies right now.

Hey guys, I'm Sam,

the unit production manager.

Welcome to my nightmare.

What the hell does he know

about a nightmare?

Nightmare? Are you telling me

we're behind schedule?

Uh, no sir. I'd say we are

hopelessly behind schedule.

- What did you bring?

- T-shirts for the cast and crew.

And Money. I'm told Johnny Reno

wants to be paid in cash.

So do I. So do we.

Well Captain Ahab,

the sooner you get the stuff unloaded,

the sooner you get the green.

I'm not gonna unload

that crap off the boat!

He's right. I wouldn't ask an old man

to cary my bags.

- Sam?

- Old man?

I'll slap you to sleep,

and then slap you for sleeping!

Gentlemen please!

I'll take care of it.

Don't you dare hit him!

Oh, you...

Will you shut your pretty mouth?

I will not!

Don't wory about the cargo.

I'll get someone from crew

to take care of your stuff.

Stop teasing the old man.

I like him. He's cute.

Oh, I think I'm in love.

Yeah. I think your shorts

are on backyards.

Oh, I'll whip you too, you know.

This will be good

for the coconut tree climbing scene.

Uh, Hector

I don't have those pages.

That's because the star

just made it up.

He wants to be seen climbing

a coconut tree.

These aren't coconut trees.

We fix it in post. CGI.

We put him in front of a green screen,

hoist him up on wires.

- It's TV magic.

- I thought this was a reality show.

That's what we need CGl

for Bobby to make it look more real.

Hector!

Hector come look what I found.

You're not gonna believe this.

- What is it?

- It's bones.

Bones? As in spare rib bones?

'Cause if it's got barbeque sauce

on it, bring it on.

No, not spare rib bones.

It's a spinal column.

I wonder what happened

to the poor guy?

Looks like something ate him.

It's been here a while.

"To Harold Rook

from Thorne Sherman. 1959".

Hey, I gotta call this in to Sam.

Yeah, Production.

Sam, we found some... bones...

- dead guy...

- What?

Hector, you found what?

You're breaking up. Call me back.

Lost the signal. I'll be right back.

Nice doggie.

Nice doggie.

What's the matter with you?

Oh man, what happened?

Hector, you're breaking up. I...

Are you guys eating?

All I can hear is crunching.

You are crunching in my ear.

- Yeah?

- Sam.

Get on the set now!

Follow me. I'll introduce you

to the main cast and crew.

Why don't you introduce us

to our money?

Oh calm down Thorne.

We'll get it.

They're still unloading the boat.

Now that girl over there

with the camera,

that is our videographer.

That is Mickey.

Now the guy next to her

is our director. That's Willard.

Whatever you do, do not make

direct eye contact with him.

Bull. I'm paying that clown's salay.

Yours too.

Get ready Johnny Reno, and... Action!

- Hang on.

- And that is Johnny Reno.

Our star.

Remember,

it's a Johnny Reno world.

You just live in it.

I want a picture with him.

You can't right now,

because he's working.

I'm Miss Advent.

I can do anything I want.

That was good, right?

That was great.

Lenora, add a gag

to that next scene, will you?

And cut that stupid line of Reno's.

I'm not doing anymore script changes.

It's perfect!

Sam, how long

have you been on this island?

The uh, the main boat dropped

us off yesterday.

Have you, uh, have you heard

or seen anything weird or strange?

Besides our director?

Nah, uh, I'm not talking about

that squirrel. I've been...

No! Uh, no. Why do you ask?

If I were you, I'd pick a different island

to shoot your movie on.

- It'd be a little too late for that.

- Work with me people.

And when I say "work with me",

I mean "l'm the director, obey me!"

Or I know where you live

and there will be no Christmas!

Capisco?

All right Neavis,

bring in the goat.

What is that supposed to be?

It's a goat. A wild goat.

From the great wild county.

That's not a goat.

That's Derek dressed up as a goat.

He doesn't even have any horns

for Chrissake.

It's female a goat.

Females don't have horns.

I'm not playing a female goat.

That would be weird.

Yeah, actually, females do have horns.

This is wrong

on so many different levels.

What happened to the real goat?

Too expensive.

The trainer wanted

five hundred dollars a day.

We'll make it work. Mickey!

- I'm right here.

- Yes.

Let's not actually show the goat,

Okay, let's hide him behind

a bush or something.

We'll make him like a shadom

mystey figure.

All he has to do is...

is fool the poisonous snake.

Poisonous snake?

What poisonous snake?

The one that bites you.

- Bites me?

- Yes.

I mean, except he won't.

Neavis knocked it out.

It's an unconscious poisonous snake.

We're just gonna

fake the attack on you.

Neavis is gonna,

uh, pull it on a string.

And Derek, you work with me!

You sure the snake's asleep?

He looks dead to me.

I think Neavis overdosed it.

Neavis, you have to pull the string

around a bit.

You have to make him look like...

Do I have to do eveything myself?

I am losing control here.

Eveybody quiet!

I hate you all.

Roll camera.

Speed.

Advent Outdoor Wear

presents Advent's Wild Safari,

Snake Attacks Wild Goat,

Take One.

On your knees goat!

And action Neavis,

bring in the snake.

This is great.

You getting all this Mickey?

It's a steaming pile of art.

And - Action Johnny Reno!

Oh look,

here comes the eastern

diamond back rattler.

One bite from this little bugger

means instant blood boiling agony

and eventual screaming death.

Hah! I like the little bugger.

The snake actually looks alive. He...

- Is he awake?

- Ah, it's awake.

Guys, I think the snake woke up.

lmprovise.

My string broke.

Ah, god. Now we got a snake

Iost in the grass.

Oh god!

We'll fix it in post.

Keep rolling. Keep rolling.

- On what?

- Just - coverage.

Did you hear that?

I heard it.

I think we're gonna need

a bigger goat.

Keep rolling. Go with it.

Reno, the goat has poison

venom in him.

Go over there and suck it out.

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