Return of the Killer Shrews Page #2

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Wait a minute.

The snake bit him in the ass.

Now that would be interesting.

I don't think this is good for me.

I need to ask my agent. Stella!

I'm, I'm right here.

No way. No way Jose,

you're not doing it.

I mean, just think of those pictures

on the internet.

I mean, oh my god

there goes your career.

Yeah. Maybe she'd like

to direct a scene, huh?

Reno, would you please

drag the poisoned goat's

lifeless body to safety?

Yeah, that's okay.

Clear the set!

Action Reno!

Come on. Come on.

Come on little goatie.

Come on little goatie, I got you.

- Clear?

- Here you go.

And cut! That's a keeper.

Do you have to smell like a goat?

Yeah, we're missing crew members.

I can't reach them on the cell.

Who cares? We're insured.

Send an intern and call lunch.

All right, eveybody

that is lunch! Intern?

Sam, there is no reason to yell.

Think about people's feelings.

Ah, lunch. That sounds good.

- No.

- Wanna stay?

We can't leave now.

We haven't been paid.

- You're an intern?

- I'm reinventing myself.

Great. Okay,

you know Hector and Bobby?

Yes! Hector got me this gig.

Okay, you go looking for them.

If you find them, call me on that radio.

You pull this off, I'll make you P.A.

Hector!

Hector!

Booby!

Where could those guys be?

Just smile at the camera

and collect the cash.

Don't put anymore into it than that.

I have a source

at the network that tells me

this isn't going to last

more than half a season.

Yeah, you know why?

Because it's boring.

You know why it's boring?

Because they have me,

and they're not using me.

Me! I mean what they need to do

is they need to have a wild

animal attack

right at the vey beginning.

That way I can rip off my shirt.

I can wade into the water

and save the leading lady.

No, no.

You're just going to sit there.

You're just going to talk

to the camera,

and you're just going to follow

the script.

Boring! No, no, how about this...

An alligator attacks the camp.

That way I can rip off my shirt.

I can jump on that sucker's back

- and we can get right into it.

- No, look.

You know, you know

you don't have a stunt double.

- You know that, right?

- Well, we'll use a small alligator.

A small alligator.

I can handle a sma...

Whoah, check out the new talent.

But she's too young for you.

Yeah, but I'd make her one

heck of a mentor. Hi!

How are you? I'm the, uh,

I'm the guy.

She just gave me the stink eye.

I'm the star. Can she do that?

I think she just did.

Um, hi.

Do you guys mind if I sit here.

As a matter of fact, yes.

Please don't hate me

because I'm stunning, okay?

There is absolutely nothing

I can do about it.

Like a twelve, okay?

- Do you guys like my shirt?

- Oh, I sure do.

It really brings out my eyes.

I mean, your eyes.

Well, aren't you just

a smooth talker.

Okay, can we go back

to discussing the set-up now?

Thanks. Awesome.

What's a set-up?

- I'm full.

- Hector!

Uh, Mr. Reno,

they're ready for you on the set.

If you wanted me

to write something else,

you should have had me

write something up.

I'm just writing

what you're telling me to write

and now you're telling me

to change it.

Hello? Hello? Look, pay attention.

Great.

Great.

No coverage.

Great.

Where's my medicine?

Somebody say something?

That's a wrap.

I didn't know reality shows

had writers.

Somebody has to make this crap up.

Nice moves.

Say, have you seen Hector

and Bobby?

Hector and Bobby?

No. It's not like

I've been looking for them.

Thanks for the help.

Oh, the old watering hole.

Hey, do you think

this is going to leave a scar?

I mean the pain is really intense.

Well, ah, yeah, probably.

Ty a little tequila on there.

Works for me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, tell,

tell me something.

- Tell me something.

- Yeah.

I am Johnny Reno, heh, right.

I'm actually from Georgia.

- Yeah.

- And you look familiar to me.

You ever spend any time in Georgia?

About thirty years ago, I was a...

I was a sheriff down there.

You know, chasing moonshiners.

- No.

- Yeah.

Well, I tell you something,

I was chased around in Georgia a lot,

but it was usually by women,

and sometimes I let them catch me.

I'll drink to that.

Well I, you know, ah listen.

I love to chase women myself,

but you know at my age

it has to be downhill.

Yeah...

- Is he...?

- I...

Yeah...

Sory to keep bugging you, but

I am missing two crew members.

- I was an ass.

- Yes. You were.

Sory. Who?

Uh, Hector and Bobby.

And now one of the interns,

the uh, more mature one.

Oh, that woman who keeps talking

about reinventing herself?

Yeah, her. Yeah, I told her

if she found them, I'd make her a PA.

No. I keep running

into Reno's hairdresser,

the professional wanna be virgin.

Hi, can I sit here?

Um, so, I've always wanted

to be an actress, okay?

- Are you the camera guy?

- I'm the camera person.

Oh, okay, well I really want

to be a serious actress

and Johnny Reno said

he would help me.

So do you think you could make me

Iook as good as a movie star?

Maybe. If I find

some extra strong filters.

Oh, great.

Come on.

Or a paper bag.

Hey, don't you find me

really attractive?

Yes, you're vey beautiful.

But I do not date actresses.

But I'm not an actress.

But I really want to be.

So can you help me?

Look, I just work for a living, okay?

I really think you need

to look for someone

a little higher up on the food chain.

But I think you're pretty high up

on the food chain.

- Did you hear that?

- Hear what?

Never mind. Look, have you seen

Hector or Bobby? The interns?

I don't do interns. Gross.

- Hey!

- Hey!

Why the sad eyes?

You know, it's Sam.

Why does he have to go

into a trace evey time some

bimbo on the set gives him the eye.

He ever done that to you?

- Shut up, Neavis!

- Well, you seem a little jealous.

This is not about me.

This is about his work.

Look, look, I've known Sam

for a lot of years,

and if he seems distracted,

it's because he's,

he's got a lot on his mind.

Uh, Sam's got this whole production

on his shoulders.

You know he's always

about the work.

Well, he seems a little bit distracted.

All right, listen up.

Look, I've got three crew missing.

Maybe they're dead.

That's why we have insurance.

Who's dead?

Bobby and Hector are missing,

two of our P.A.s, and now an intern.

- So we got to find them.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Listen,

we can make this part of the show.

The rescue.

It's supposed to be a wildlife show.

It is a wildlife show,

only we are the wildlife.

Some bloodthirsty creature

ran away with our crew, right?

Maybe it killed them.

Even better!

So now, instead of searching

for some dumb animals,

we're searching

for our dead guys, huh?

Dumb animals?

If, if someone is missing,

then maybe, maybe I can save them.

Okay, we start shooting as planned.

Okay, we make Hector

and Bobby the new stoy line.

In the morning, Johnny sends out

two teams to go hunt for them.

Camera team goes with each crew.

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