Return of the Killer Shrews Page #3

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A third camera documents

the main search party led

by Johnny Reno on his quest

to find the missing intern. Huh?

And Johnny Reno finds

the poor missing intern.

Whoever finds Hector and Bobby,

let's shoot it like Reno found them,

dead or alive!

We've got to protect our star,

or there's no series.

Well, hey, yeah, you do have to...

You do have to protect the star

or there's no series.

We'll protect the star, of course.

What did you think

I was going to do?

You're gonna want a rewrite.

You know you've got darn near

a fifth of tequila in you buddy.

Why aren't you relaxed?

How can I relax? I can't relax

til I get off this island.

Did you hear that sound?

No.

Then shut up and listen.

I'm telling you

there's something out there.

Nothing but the wind.

There's something out there.

Yeah, well

there's a big storm out there

and it's headed this way.

Why don't we just head on

back to the boat

- and get some shut eye?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Thorne.

Thorne Sherman.

You're a dead man walking.

You just don't know it yet.

I'm done Willard. I'm so out of here.

Why? Eveything's going so good.

Wally's here with the cash.

Johnny's in full hero mode,

and we're getting great stuff.

Eveything's changed.

This was supposed to be

a wildlife show.

Now you've got us out hunting

some dead P.A.S.

The situation is fluid.

I'm working with what nature

has generously provided.

Adapt, improvise,

and overcome.

And rewrite.

Over and over and over again!

Assuming the missing crew are dead,

we now have a reality show

with a body count.

Which means

big ratings and obscenely big money.

Not for me.

My paycheck is spent, as usual.

I'll give you points on this one.

Ten per cent of the show.

Net or gross?

Gross.

It's a deal.

Shall we seal this deal?

What do you want Willard?

Me? Or the rewrite?

The rewrite.

Get to work.

So what do you think?

Oh, I like it much better without.

Oh, you're so sweet.

But won't the others hear us?

In this rain?

Besides, I set up our tent fifty yards

away from the others.

I figure we want our privacy.

Stop messing around!

Hey, look. I uh,

I'm sory about last night.

She, uh, dragged me away.

Yeah. Doesn't matter.

It's your business. I'm her to work.

Great. That means

we can start over.

Look, Sam,

I don't have time

for these little flirtations.

Okay, let's keep it professional.

Hey Sam.

- Sam, hey, we want our money.

- Yeah.

We want it right now

and to get off this island.

Right, right. No, sure thing.

Look, I'm, uh, not the money guy.

We got to find Wally.

So he should be on set right now.

Well, let's find him.

Let's get on with it.

- Lead the way man.

- Yeah.

Sam, let's get this show on the road.

Stella, can you please make sure

Johnny Reno is ready?

Hey Sam, where's the money guy?

This Wally, that twinkle toes?

Just give me one second please.

We're tying to split up the crew.

I think they said they were going up

the path ahead of us.

We'll catch up. Huh?

Uh, yeah. Best I can do for you.

- Reno!

- What?

The camera's over here, babe.

Oh.

Okay, this is it.

- Johnny, this is your big hero moment.

- Oh yeah.

You send out two teams

to search

for the production assistants.

While you bravely search the most

dangerous part of the jungle yourself.

Should I take off my shirt?

Let's play with that.

I like it.

What would Johnny Reno do, huh?

I'm giving you space here.

Here we go, boys and girls, this is it!

Let's roll camera!

- I don't know what that's about.

- Rolling!

Keep it rolling.

Action!

Okay eveybody,

I think what we need to do is...

Think, think the Duke.

I love that show.

Oh, no, no.

Now listen here eveyone.

I understand you're all on my posse.

Well that means it's

time to get our wagons in a circle

and go out

and save those dead guys.

Did he say "save our dead guys"?

How do you save a dead guy?

I didn't write that.

- This way.

- This way. Stay on Johnny.

Come on people.

We're burning daylight.

- Hey Thorne, lookie here!

- What?

Got some money down here.

You think it's ours?

- Well it's ours now.

- All right.

- It's got blood all over it.

- Oh, jeeze!

Well, it'll spend anmay.

What kind of tracks are those?

I don't know,

but it's clearly not human.

All right, and action!

So what do you want me to do?

Okay,

Okay, come on.

My close up.

My camera.

All right, we got it.

Let's get out of here. Moving on.

Hey Thorne! Check this out!

Who is that?

I don't see anyone.

And cut.

That was stupid.

- Oh no.

- No, I look stupid.

Stella, talk to him.

You look great.

I look great, but that was stupid.

Take five.

Hey, hey, hey guys,

- look at this. Look what I found.

- Wait a minute.

I recognize that shirt.

It was Hector's.

The hell it was. I loaned him this shirt.

Look at it, It's ruined.

It's started again. I knew it.

What's happening?

Listen folks. There's nothing

but death on this island.

We got to get out of here now.

The old timer's right.

- What do you mean, old timer?

- Just a figure of speech.

I'll whip you like an omelet.

But what about Hector and Bobby?

Hector and Bobby are our new props.

It's better than C.G.l. and cheaper.

- Derek, you set your camera up here.

- Yeah.

Lenora, takes these clothes

to that clearing right over there.

He has no idea what's going on!

Johhny, on action,

you're going to discover

the clothes, huh?

Here we go guys.

- On action.

- On action.

Lenora.

Clear!

Okay, roll camera!

Speed.

Action Johnny Reno!

Tattered clothing.

Little more than a pile of blood

soaked rags.

All that remains

of two human beings.

Wait, Johnny Reno doesn't scream.

Come on!

No, Johnny Reno screams

when Johnny Reno hears something

and Johnny Reno heard something.

- Did you hear that?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I heard it too.

Well, let's all listen together,

shall we? Huh?

Anybody hear anything?

Me either!

Action Johnny!

Believe you me,

whatever did this was mysterious,

terrifying, and hungy.

And also had vey long teeth.

Like these.

Tear 'em up!

Oh Johnny!

Oh god, no!

Not the face. Not the face!

That was disgusting!

Holy moley. What the hell...

What do I do with this, Willard?

What is it?

That's Johnny. That's his arm.

Oh my poor Reno!

Oh, look at that.

We'll take it with us,

um, buy it later.

I'll, uh, say a few words over...

"May god have mercy

on this forearm".

Listen, if you want to get off this island,

follow me. Follow me.

Bring that. Bring the camera.

On a map, north is at the top.

I know where north is on a map.

I don't know

where it is on the ground.

Wow, four years

of film school for this.

Well, I think you're brilliant.

Oh, it's a cute little baby shrew.

We used to hunt these little suckers

with our BB guns.

I shoot you right between the eyes

you lovely little creepy guy.

Yeah, you are creepy looking.

- Oh my god! Oh my god!

- Run, run, run. Let's go.

Come on!

Come on! Come on! Let's go!

Here.

- What?

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