Return of the Secaucus Seven Page #6

-Soak it in Epsom salts.

-Yeah, go soak it, Desjardins.

-Go soak it, Dawnly.

Soak it, both of you.

I'm crippled.

They crippled me.

First time his wife got pregnant, coach

probably had her soak it in Epsom salts...

...keep the swelling down.

Speaking of swelling, you're getting

a tire there, Dawnly. 20 laps.

-Full-court drill.

-Wind sprints.

-F***ing a.

-Hey, Howie, you finished?

-Hi, honey. Where's the kids?

-I left them at my mother's.

-You got kids, Howie?

-Yeah, didn't you know that?

-Hey, you remember Mike, don't you?

-Hi, Mike.

-Hi, Carol.

-What were you in when...

-...Ron and Mike and me were seniors?

-10th grade.

Yeah. Probably had a crush on Mike, right?

Worked on his Student Council campaign.

Yeah, I got Debbie and Stacey and

Benjamin. Debbie's 5, Stacey's 3...

-Two and a half.

-...and Benjamin's still in the toddler stage.

He's 15 months.

The lodge called, they

want you to work tonight.

-Sh*t.

-So tell them you don't want to.

No, I got to. Are you and

Katie planning on kids?

We're not even married yet.

Yeah, well, think long and

hard, buddy. Think long and hard.

-You done, Howie? We gotta go shopping.

-Give me a break. I'm all pitted out here.

-Come on. Sit down, be friendly.

-Howie!

She did have a crush on you.

She's shy, aren't you? Aren't you?

-No sh*t, are you hurt?

-Just a little headache, that's all.

-I'm sorry. I-- -Your

subconscious did it.

-I forgot about the pole.

-Monsters from the id.

We're out of shape. The

game was falling apart.

That was not the body check

of a man who's out of shape.

-Look, if I was out for revenge I'd--

-You would have slam-dunked my guitar.

You really going to L.A.?

Don't you read People magazine?

Written anything new lately?

Yeah, I wrote a song just

the other day called....

It's called....

I can't remember.

This pain in my head.

Mom? Dad? Who blew the candles out?

Putz.

Crippled for life.

What about the faculty?

Faculty? Forget it. Half the women

still live at home with their mothers.

-What about the other half?

-The other half are their mothers.

Okay.

Colonel Mustard in the

Conservatory with the wrench.

-The kids any fun?

-They're bananas. Out of their gourds.

And you know right

where they get it from.

The other day, Angela, one of the crowd

that hangs by my desk in the morning...

...she's going on about tampons.

"I'd never use a tampon," she says.

"My mother told me it could get loose in

your bloodstream and go right to your heart."

You're kidding.

You could write a book on what these

kids don't know about birth control.

There's a whole course of study in

our school just for unwed mothers.

-They're keeping them, aren't they?

-Remember the line about "nice girls don't"?

What nice girls don't these days

is give up their illegitimate kids.

-They learned it on the soap operas.

-Okay.

Mr. Green in the Ballroom with the rope.

Pass.

There's stuff coming out now about how

bad pregnancy is for your body at that age.

-I thought it was bad if you were too old.

-Well, if you're over 35...

...the chances of complications

and birth defects start to go up.

Thirty-five?

Well, everybody's different,

but that's the present statistic.

Doesn't leave much time.

Let's see, Miss Scarlet in the

Library with the candlestick.

Are you and Mike planning

on having any kids?

Mike definitely wants

them, but I'm not so sure.

I'd like about 15 years

to make up my mind.

-I'm sure I want them, but who with?

-Put an ad in the classifieds.

Wanted:
father, lover,

Rock of Gibraltar.

So, what do you do?

I don't know. My mother raised us

alone. She was miserable, but she did it.

Playing theater games with other people's

little darlings was enough for me.

For a while, anyway.

Professor Plum in the

Study with the knife.

I'd have a kid right

now if things were right.

-Would the senator give you maternity leave?

-F*** the senator.

I figure I'd wanna get to know a guy for a

few years before I went in on kids with him.

I'm 30, right? Puts a

certain amount of pressure on.

Do you wish you'd had

them when you were younger?

Sure. Me and Dwight. The kid would've

been born with a Dexedrine habit.

Right. And come out in

a little gelatin capsule.

I don't know why I fantasize.

If it happens, it happens.

Maybe I'll be 40 and adopt some

13-year-old girl's illegitimate child.

-If she'll give it up.

-Right. Beats the hell out of a Barbie doll.

-Oh, June, I'm home!

-In here, Ward!

What?

It's a little game we

play. Leave It to Beaver.

Have fun?

Come on in, the water's freezing!

Do I take everything off?

-Leave your socks on.

-No, really.

-Off! Everything off!

-Irene!

I don't know, it looks

pretty cold to me.

Jesus, now we know

what Irene sees in Chip.

Oh, yeah. She told me about that.

What was that Teddy

Roosevelt always said?

-"Speak softly and

carry--" -Right, right.

-Hey, the pole vault's over here!

-Katie!

That "working within the system"

argument is just the first step...

-...towards total co-optation.

-There's a difference between...

...being co-opted and making the

changes necessary to be effective.

-Effective, do you mean cost-effective?

-I mean fighting for what you believe in.

No offense, but your senator is

just fighting to keep his job...

-...and his house on Martha's Vineyard.

-Do you really know that?

-Have you looked at his record?

-How did he stand on the Canal Treaty?

Wait a minute. Don't tell me. Broke.

Flat busted.

This guy in Boston owes me. A woman

he was living with needed an abortion.

Oh, worthy cause.

Anyhow, I figure I could

thumb back to Boston...

...but if we get beers

tonight, I'll need something.

Sure. No sweat, no sweat.

What do you mean, beer? I thought

you were drinking that stuff. That....

-Wild Turkey.

-Yeah.

I figured it'd look good on the album

cover. But I never really developed a taste.

You are a wild turkey. How

about a 10, will that do it?

Ten? Since when has it ever

taken me $10 to get loaded?

You're talking to the original

cheap drunk. Just give me a 5.

When the guy in Boston comes

through, I'll pay you right back.

-I think we're being shown the goods.

-Local talent.

-I think Ron has his eye on you, Frances.

-If only he wouldn't call me "doc."

-I think he means it as a compliment.

-Are we looking at their pectorals?

-Depends on where you're looking.

-Gluteus maximus.

-The famous Roman emperor.

-What was that again?

-You're sitting on it.

-Right.

What do I know? I'm an

English teacher. Doc, huh?

He must like you.

But you don't understand. There are

international ramifications to these things.

-You okay, honey?

-Yeah. Didn't feel like going in.

A little tense, huh?

It's one thing with both of them in the

same room and lots of people around...

-...but here, with them....

-In the flesh, so to speak.

Yeah. In the flesh.

Don't tell me. Cocaine.

-It's heroin.

-Right.

One of the guys in the

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