Revenge of the Nerds Page #5

I would like it clearly stated

in the record, Miss Childs,

that the evidence is overwhelmingly

against the Alpha Betas

and I urge that they

be found guilty.

Point of order.

Dean Ulich, I am an Alpha Beta,

and I know that no

member of my fraternity

could have perpetrated such

a callous, heinous act

against the nerds or the Tri-Lambs.

Therefore, I feel a vote at this time

would be, shall we say, premature.

- Premature?

- Yes.

You see, instead,

I am going to organize

a special, blue-ribbon

fact-finding commission

made up of myself and,

uh, Miss Betty Childs

and we will get to the bottom

of this dastardly deed.

- You can't get away with this.

- Oh, no, I'm afraid I can.

You see, only the president of the

Greek Council can call a vote.

- That's completely unfair!

- This is bullshit!

Meeting adjourned.

Guys, we are never gonna get a fair shake

as long as Stan Gable is president.

But the only way to become president

is to win the homecoming carnival.

That's right, Arnold.

- And that's exactly what we're gonna do.

- Yeah!

I take great pleasure

in officially opening this

year's homecoming carnival!

The overall winner will be

determined by total points

from, number one, field events,

number two, the charity

fund-raising booth

and number three, the musical

show and skit competition.

And now, let the games begin!

Okay, the object of the race is to

complete 20 laps around the track,

while stopping every lap

for a mandatory pit stop

at which time the driver

will chug a beer.

You don't have a

f***ing chance, nerd.

- Thank you. Good luck to you, too, Burke.

- F*** off.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Come on!

This is trichloromethaline. It counters

all effects of alcohol in your system.

- Drink the whole beer.

- Go, go, go! Come on, Danny!

- Come on, buddy! Kick his ass!

- Go, go, go, go!

- Go, go, go, go!

- Go, go, go, go!

- Okay, okay, come on!

- You feeling okay?

- Oh, f***ing great!

- Go, go, go!

Come on, baby! Yeah!

- Come on, guy!

- Only one more lap to go.

Just you and the Alpha Betas.

You let that nerd beat you,

and you're nothing! Understand?

- He no stand no chance now!

- Go, Takashi!

- Come on! Let's go, Burke! Here we go!

- Oh, no!

All right! Come on, Takashi! Go!

Aw, man, he's wasted!

Come on, Burke!

You're an Alpha Beta!

F***!

- Sh*t!

- I won! I won!

Times are changin', Betty. These nerds

are a threat to our way of life.

If they win homecoming, they're

gonna take over the Greek Council.

And we'll be up to our

necks in nerd sh*t.

Our next competition will

be the Trojan Horse.

Come on! Come on! Get off!

Get off!

Yeah!

What is Alpha Beta doing?

All right!

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

- Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!

- On your mark! Set!

Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!

Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!

- Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!

- On your mark!

- Set!

- Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!

You win!

Frankly, I'm not too wild

about this next event,

but it has become a tradition here

at Adams, the belching contest.

Our first of two finalists,

Frederick W. Polowosky.

"Ogre, you a**hole."

Ogre.

And from the Lambda-Mu

team, Dudley Dawson.

- Booger.

- Booger.

Our next event is one that goes all the

way back to the Peloponnesian War,

the javelin throw.

Yeah!

- All right, baby!

- What'd you expect?

- Wait till you see Lamar's throw.

- How come?

Wormser's a master at aerodynamics

and he designed the javelin to go along

with Lamar's limp-wristed throwing style.

Wormser! It worked!

I can't believe it!

Did you see that?

I love you all! I love you all!

Thank you!

Thank you!

The Alpha Beta-Pi team leads.

The Lambda-Mus are a

surprising second.

Now let's see what happens at the

charity fund-raising booths.

Eat a pie for charity!

Come on! Let's go!

Buy a pie for charity! Thank you.

Take a break, Chip.

Hi.

- Hi, Betty.

- A nerd.

- I'm not kissing a nerd.

- You have to.

I paid my money.

It's time for my break.

Kiss this, nerd.

- Stan!

- Yeah?

I wanna do it. All this

kissing's made me horny.

God, Betty, you're like a goat.

Next.

Stan!

You changed your mind.

I'm glad. Come on.

Hey, you.

You wanna do it on the moon?

Take off your mask.

Oh, Stan.

You're so kinky.

Eat a pie for charity.

Step right up.

Come on. Step up.

- Eat a pie for charity. Thank you very much.

- Eat a pie for charity!

Gable, how we doin'?

- Great, 1,258 bucks. Better than last year.

- The nerds are over 2,000.

- Yep.

- For selling pies?

They've got a line around the corner.

Guys are buying two, three pies apiece.

There's something fishy about

these pies. Let's go check it out.

Okay, hold on for a second.

- Thank you.

- Pies for charity.

- Pies for charity.

- This can't be!

Ogre, go get a pie. Find out

what the hell's going on here.

Thanks, wimp. Get yourself one.

- Well, how is it?

- Good.

- Is it good, or is it great?

- It's good.

Just good? Then what the hell are

they selling so many of them for?

Here's why. Uh-oh.

That's my Pi.

Oh, Stan.

That was wonderful.

You did things to me

you've never done before.

You're that nerd!

Yeah.

God, you were wonderful.

Thanks.

Are all nerds as good as you?

- Yes.

- How come?

'Cause all jocks think

about is sports.

All we ever think about is sex.

- What's your name?

- Lewis.

Lewis,

would you meet me after

the pep rally tonight?

Sure.

It's all tied up,

which means the musical show and skit

competition will decide the winner.

So, let the music begin!

Row, row, row your boat

gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily

Merrily, merrily

Life is but a dream

What'd the Pink Panther say

when he stepped on an ant?

- What did the Pink Panther say?

- Dead ant. Dead ant.

Dead-ant, dead-ant dead-ant.

What is the dirtiest thing

ever said on television?

The dirtiest thing ever said

on television. I don't know.

"Ward, I think you were a little

hard on the Beaver last night."

Gable, Gable, he's our man!

If he can't do it, Burke can!

Burke, Burke, he's our man!

If he can't do it, Ogre can!

- Give me an "A"!

- Give me a "D"!

- Give me an "A"!

- Give me an "M"!

- Give me an "S"!

- What's it spell?

Adams!

Whoa!

Look at that! Look at that!

Break!

I'd like to present the trophy

to this year's champions...

Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu!

They will be able to

select the president

of next year's Greek Council.

No!

I'd like to announce that we've

made our selection already.

It's Gilbert Lowe!

This sucks. I gotta get rid

of some of this anger.

- Come on, Betty. Let's go pump some iron.

- No, Stan. I don't think so.

What do you mean?

Let's go. Why not?

I've got a date with a Tri-Lamb.

A Tri-Lamb.

Here's your pin.

Take it.

Wait. Betty. Come on.

God! I'm in love with a nerd!

- Gable.

- Yeah, Coach?

I wanna see you and the other

girls in the locker room now!

Yes, sir.

When you were a baby in your crib,

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