Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special

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( Music playing )

( Cheering, applause )

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen

, welcome to the stage

creator of "The Office"

and "Extras,"

writer, director,

actor,

producer,

philanthropist,

winner of

three Golden Globes,

two prime time Emmys

and seven BAFTAs,

all the way from England,

Mr. Ricky Gervais!

( Cheering )

Hello.

Hello.

( music ends )

Thank you.

Hello, Chicago.

How are you?

Wow wow.

( Cheering, applause )

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I, um...

Thank you. Thank you.

That was an amazing welcome.

I should explain something

straightaway.

Usually when I come out

onstage, it's amazing, okay?

I'm doing cartwheels

and backflips.

It's f***ing spectacular,

right?

But I've hurt my back.

That's true actually.

I've pulled a muscle in

my spine playing golf.

I know what you're thinking...

Serves me right for playing

such a stupid game as golf.

But no, I've been in agony.

I'm actually on painkillers right now,

so... No, it's true.

If I suddenly start talking like

Paula Abdul, you'll know why.

I'm not drunk.

So when the doctor...

This is true.

When the doctor gave me

the painkillers,

he said, "Now, you can't

drink alcohol with these."

And I went, "I don't

want them then."

And he went, "What?"

I said, "Give me something

you can drink alcohol with."

And he went, "Well, you're not meant

to drink with any painkillers."

"Who are you,

my f***ing mother?

Just..."

So I've been walking round

like the elephant man for days,

but without the big cock

obviously.

I assume he had a big elephant's

cock to match the head.

That would make things

all right then, wouldn't it?

That would sort of

balance it out,

because then he'd look in the

mirror and he'd sort of go,

( muttering )

"Oh no.

Oh look at that f***ing head.

Hold on, though.

What's going on down here?"

Like, "Hey!"

Swings it round about.

"So let's celebrate.

The buns are on me."

So yeah, that's my problems.

I didn't cancel though.

Don't you hate that,

when a night is canceled?

You turn up, it goes, "Concert

canceled due to sore throat."

Aw. Or "I couldn't go on.

I was depressed."

Aw, poor little artist.

Can you imagine

the laborer trying that?

Turning up and going, "I've got a

little tickle and I'm fed up."

Aw, move

the f***ing bricks, mate.

Never cancel.

I had a gig in Dublin

a couple of months ago, okay?

- And as you know, Dublin is in Ireland...

- ( Applause )

Which is off of...

Yeah, it's off the coast of Great Britain.

It's not part of Britain,

but it's very close.

It's sort of like

our Cuba, I suppose.

It's like...

Man:
Ouch!

( Laughs )

And... and so...

Okay, so Dublin, O2 arena,

10,000 seats sold out

well in advance,

flights booked,

really looking forward to it.

A few days before the gig,

they start grounding

the airplanes

because there's a volcanic ash

cloud over Britain, okay?

And if you fly through it,

apparently,

it would make the plane

fall out of the sky.

And it was like that was it.

You couldn't fly in that.

I mean, a volcano goes off

in Iceland and we can't...

What's the point

of Iceland, really?

You know what I mean?

What are they think...

Just fill in all the volcanoes

with concrete, okay?

Just...

In fact, tarmac the whole country

and make it a car park

for real Europe,

because it's a waste

of f***ing space, okay?

And so I'm thinking,

"Well, I've gotta get there.

I can't cancel."

And there were pop stars and

people coming over from America,

and they were canceling their flight

because they couldn't get in and out.

I thought, "I can't."

So I hired a helicopter

to and from Dublin.

It cost me 12,000, right.

Just because I couldn't bear

to let anyone down

or take the ferry.

That was...

They were still running, sure.

But that would have meant

mixing with the general public,

and I don't...

This is about as close

as I ever... you know.

So...

I don't know if you were affected

by the volcanic ash cloud,

but I had friends that were

stuck all over the world.

And they missed weddings

and funerals,

and they had to

put themselves up in a hotel

for extra days

they hadn't budgeted for.

And they couldn't get their money back

because the airlines were saying,

"No, we can't pay you because the

insurance companies won't pay us,

because they're saying

it's an act of God."

Well, what isn't an act of God?

Look, if you believe in God,

that's sort of a definition

of him, isn't it?

That he does everything.

Isn't that right?

Everything is an act of him.

He's all-powerful.

He's everywhere at once.

He invented every...

There was nothing before him.

He invented time, everything.

He's across it all.

He doesn't miss a trick

and he's not absent-minded.

A volcano going off isn't like him

going, "F***, I left the oven on."

You know, it's...

And who are these

insurance companies

that can decide what is

and isn't an act of God?

How do they know?

Have they got a hotline to God?

They call him up, do they?

Ring ring.

Ring ring.

"Yello?"

"Uh, can I speak

to God, please?"

"Speaking."

"Oh, I didn't think you'd

answer the phone yourself."

"What do you want?"

"Oh, um, that volcanic ash cloud...

Was that you?"

"Yeah yeah.

Yes, that was

an act of me, all right."

"So I shouldn't pay out?"

"No, don't f***ing pay 'em

a penny, son, no."

"Brilliant brilliant.

While I've got you here,

did you make a tree fall

on Steve Baxter's car?"

"There's a lot

of Steve Baxters."

"Steve Baxter, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow.

It happened at 2:15 on the

3rd of June this year."

"2:
15, 3rd of...

No, that wasn't me.

I was in Africa that day

giving AIDS to babies."

He does everything.

He does everything.

Mm, I don't make the rules.

And well, I'm glad I didn't cancel

because it's fantastic to be here

seeing your happy smiley faces,

probably feeling very fortunate

that you managed to get a

ticket to see a living legend.

- Or am I...

- ( Cheering, applause )

Shut up.

I know, I know.

You lucky f***ers.

You really... I'm joking, of course.

The pleasure is all mine.

Thank you so much

for coming out,

spending your

hard-earned cash.

I know there's been

a recession on.

Someone told me.

I hadn't really...

Is it still...

I don't...

It really didn't affect me

if I'm being honest.

Oh dear.

We can laugh about it now.

No, come on.

I don't understand

the recession.

It wasn't till last year

I found out

you could go

into your bank and say,

"Can I withdraw

my cash?"

And they could go, "No."

"What?"

( Weaselly voice )

"No, we ain't got it."

"I've got 50,000 saved."

( Laughs )

"You ain't. You ain't."

"Where is it?"

"Lost it."

"Well, have you checked

the vault?"

"It's empty."

"Well, what was the point of that?

You might as well have kept it in a

drawer, you spotty little twat."

I don't...

I hope you enjoy the show.

Or you'll let me know,

won't you?

If I say something funny,

you'll laugh and I'll go,

"Oh, I'll keep that in

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