Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #2

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for the rest of the tour."

If I say something that isn't

funny, you won't laugh

and I'll go,

"I'll lose that bit."

So some bits tonight

will be exclusive to you.

They... they will be

the sh*t bits, granted.

Okay, let's start the show.

Let's get on with it.

No one wants to be here

all night.

You can have too much

of a good thing, can't you?

Like heroin.

What?

Though too much heroin

is death, basically.

That's when you know

you've had too...

You go, "F***, I'm dead.

I'm f***ed."

That's the thing though

with heroin.

Try anything once, kids,

sure, but know this.

No no.

You think, "I'll try a heroin.

I'll just try one.

Give me... give me a heroin.

Give me one heroin, okay?"

Just have one.

"What's it like?"

"It's f***in' lovely.

I want more.

I can't just have..."

It's like Pringles.

It's like once you pop,

you can't stop.

That's... I think that's how it works.

I'm not an expert.

Believe it or not, I've

never been a heroin addict.

No round of applause for that?

See? No.

See?

No round of applause for never

having been a heroin addict.

If I'd have come out here

and go, "I used to be a heroin addict...

I used to mug people and

sh*t myself in doorways..."

- ( Cheering, applause )

- Exactly. "Oh yeah!

He... he hasn't done

those things for a while.

He hasn't done those things

that we never did

in the first place."

Why are you applauding someone

for suddenly acting

like a normal member

of society?

It's like I've lost

a bit of weight.

I've lost about 20 lbs.

Exactly!

- ( Cheering, applause )

- What? No no.

You're basically applauding me

for only eating

as much as I need now.

I should have... I should have

always been doing that.

I got fat because I was

a greedy, lazy bastard.

There's no other explan...

and I needed people to...

They come up to me now and they go,

"Oh, well done. You look great."

But they weren't telling me

I looked terrible.

They're basically saying

I looked terrible,

but no one told me at the time.

It was really taboo.

I needed waiters

to come over and go,

"F*** off.

You've had enough."

And I've been criticized

in the past

for having a go at fat people.

I've never had

a go at fat people.

I've only ever pointed out

the fact that you get fat

if you take in more calories

than you burn off..

That's simple science.

I don't judge them in any

other aspect of their life.

But that's what happens...

You get fat if you take in

more calories

than you burn off.

That's indisputable, okay?

Now the thing is people think

I'm having a go.

I'm not because

I don't judge them.

If I see a fat person, I don't

make assumptions about them

other than how they got fat.

And, this is the other thing,

they...

No, wait wait.

Not only is that

what makes you fat...

People know that's what's

making them fat.

No one got fat

behind their own back.

No one ate and then went,

"What the f***'s that?"

It's not a surprise.

It's a gradual process.

You have loads of time

to back out

from this project at any...

Also, no one's sneaking

into thin people's apartments

and then injecting their lettuce

with a million calories.

That doesn't happen, okay?

They know what's doing...

If you go to a bloke and he's surrounded

by cakes and pies

and you go, "You know what's

making you fat, don't ya?"

He doesn't go,

"Is it all the running?"

He knows what...

But I don't make judgments

other than how they got fat.

If I see a fat person,

I don't go,

"Oh, he's fat, therefore he's jolly,"

right?

A lot of them are miserable,

aren't they?

If... if I see a fat girl,

I don't go,

"Oh, she'd be pretty

if she lost weight."

That's rarely the case.

So don't fall for that.

A lot of them started eating

because they had f*** all

to lose, so...

No.

But there's no stigma

attached because...

People don't even want to use

the word "fat" now

because they think

it's derogatory.

It's a real taboo subject,

so they use euphemisms.

They go, "Oh, you know Brenda,

the f-- big girl?"

"What, seven foot?"

"No no. Not tall."

"What does she look like?"

"Brenda... you know, she...

She's the one who's clammy

even in winter."

Just say she's fat. Nothing wrong with it.

It's their choice.

It's up to you if you wanna be fat.

But they don't.

They go, "You know, Brenda...

She's out of breath just standing up

at her desk."

Just...

But even though

it is their own fault...

and it is their own fault...

I feel sorry for them,

all right.

No, I do,

particularly fat women,

cause fat is a feminist issue.

Men get fat and we just go, "F*** it.

All bought and paid for."

You know.

We don't come under the same

constraints of society,

whereas women are inundated with

images of how you should be...

size 0 models, this diet,

that diet.

Look like this.

Keep your man.

And they make such an effort,

don't they, fat girls?

They've always got lovely hair.

Aren't they?

They're always having their hair done.

They've got lovely hair.

Always got lovely hair.

Always got those lovely

false nails, don't they?

They make an effort.

Anything but jogging, right?

They love high heels,

don't they?

They think it makes their legs look less...

It doesn't.

It just...

You can just hear them

coming now.

I don't want any fat people to feel

uncomfortable at one of my gigs.

So next time, buy two seats.

I'm... I'm joking.

There's... I'm joking.

Shut up.

I'm not having a go; I'm just

pointing out, you know...

I was listening to the radio

in England a few weeks back.

Radio 4, quite highbrow.

There was a discussion

about political correctness.

My name came up straightaway.

And there was this woman

on there going,

"Oh yeah, well, it's not right.

Ricky Gervais, he makes jokes

about fat people.

He wouldn't make jokes

about gay people, would he?

And being fat

is like being gay."

What? No it's not.

What?

You can't choose

your sexuality.

As we've established...

You choose whether to eat too much or not.

You know, with your sexuality,

you're born, you grow up,

you discover you like

same-sex relationships,

and that's it.

You're gay, okay?

For being gay to be

the same as being fat,

you'd have to be born,

be straight,

grow up knowing

you're straight,

but gradually and consciously

wean yourself onto cock.

"Happy 16th birthday, son.

This is Raoul.

Suck his cock."

"Sorry, father?"

"Suck his cock.

16 now. Suck his cock."

"I... I'm heterosexual."

"Oh, with his newfangled words.

Suck his cock,

come on."

"I... I don't

like cock, father."

"'Doesn't like cock.'

How would you know

if you've never tried it?

Ah! Suck his cock."

"I don't..."

"Suck one cock. Suck..."

"Ugh." "Well, that's not sucking it.

That's playing with it.

Put it in your mouth.

Put it..."

"Ugh. Oh."

"Look, have a go.

You might like it."

"Ugh."

"It's not so bad, is it?"

"No, it's not.

I f***ing love these!"

If that happened,

then being gay

would be the same as being fat.

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