Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #3

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But it doesn't,

so it's not, okay?

I was on a plane last year

going from New York

to L.A.

And me and my girlfriend

were on one side of the plane.

There was the aisle.

And the other side...

There were these two huge, fat men.

Proper proper proper fat.

One of them just got on and went,

"Can I have a belt extension?"

"Yeah, of course you can.

You've earned it."

So... proper...

In fact, I was thinking

of calling the pilot out

and going, "Should one of us

swap with one of them?

Otherwise we're just

going to Canada.

Do you know

what I mean?"

And one of them was even

fatter than the other one.

She was there and she'd

got on the plane

with one of those take-away

buckets of fast food.

Bucket!

I mean,

there's your first clue.

When did that happen?

When did fat people

just give up?

When did they go into a shop

and go, "Oh, f*** it.

Just treat me like

a farmyard animal."

"Really?"

"Give me it in a bucket.

In fact, just strap it to my f***in' head

and I'll just..."

"A bucket? Really?

You want your meal

in a bucket?"

"Yes."

So she's there

and she's chowing down.

And I swear she turns

to her fat friend and says,

"This is the best fried chicken

I've had all day."

But I'm not having a go.

I'm not having a go.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

Because even though

it is their own fault...

and it is their own fault...

I don't know if you know this

about fat people...

They f***ing love cake.

They love it.

They love it, right?

And I blame

the food industries,

because you go

into a supermarket

and it's just packed

with that stuff.

Everything's packed

with hydrogenated fats

and extra calories and sugar

and butter and everything.

And they...

they love that.

And there's always a big door,

isn't there, to a supermarket.

There's always a...

They've got a quadruple door, isn't it?

No one's ever been too fat to get through

the door of a supermarket, okay?

And it opens automatically,

so they don't have to

waste calories

pushing anything.

There's just...

And it's a good job it opens automatically

because usually it's glass and they

can see the pie from down the road

and they're in like that.

Grazing, right?

So I say keep the big door.

Keep the big door.

Sure, keep the big door.

Come on, fat people. Come... In you go.

But when they get in there,

it's all fresh fruit and veg.

It's all whole grain.

It's all stuff

that's good for you.

Of course they'll

be confused at first.

They'll go, "What?"

That's not real food to them.

They think Brussels sprouts

is packaging.

They're... they're looking...

"Where's the cakes?

Where's the cakes?"

The cakes are over here.

The cakes are through

a different door,

but this door

is human-sized.

So now they'll go,

"There's the cakes."

They're gonna...

"Oh f***, I can't get in.

I can't... I can't get

through the f***in' door.

I can't..."

( Whimpering )

And they're starving.

They'll go, "Oh God, I've got...

what's this?

I've gotta eat.

What's this? A banana."

( Retching )

Right?

And they'll go back.

"Oh no, I still can't..."

Back and have a carrot.

( Retching )

They're back and forth for days

and the fat's falling off them.

Soon they can slip through

the door and have a cake.

They can't get out again.

No, but I mean...

But we've gotta do something.

We've gotta intervene.

And people say, "No, it has

nothing to do with you.

It's up to them. It's their body.

It's their life."

And that's true, but we don't say

that about wearing crash helmets.

Or if you've got a heroin

addict in the family,

you don't go, "Oh, it's his life.

He loves heroin."

You know, you... you go,

"No, you've gotta stop this.

Please don't die."

And you get him and you

throw him in a cupboard

for three weeks or something.

You can't throw a fat person

in a cupboard.

You'd do your back in like me.

But, you know, heroin addicts...

They don't weigh anything.

You can throw them around

willy-nilly, right?

In fact, when they're lying there

with a needle hanging out,

you just get

the needle and flick,

and they just go

into the cupboard like that.

Fat people, you've gotta

lure them in...

a little trail of chocolates.

And they just follow that

anywhere, like that.

But we've got to do something

because a third

of the world are obese

and a third of the world

are starving.

The fat ones are eating the

skinny ones' food basically.

I know most of the skinny

ones are in Africa,

so out of sight,

out of mind, I know.

But...

No no.

I can talk about Africa

like that

because I'm from Britain

and we used to own it.

We did when we had the empire

and we ruled the world.

Before you took over we used to...

We owned Africa.

But then in the '50s and '60s

Africa wanted

to be self-ruled.

They wanted independence

and they said,

"We'd like to run ourselves."

We went, "Fine."

So gradually we started giving

Africa back to the Africans.

And by the '70s

it was totally run

by the, you know,

Africans themselves.

And of course in the '80s,

we get a phone call.

"Hello?"

"Hello?"

"Who's that?"

"Africa."

"What do you want?"

"We're starving."

"You should've thought of that

before you wanted

independence."

"Well, we didn't know there'd

be a drought, did we?"

"Drought?

I'll give you a drought."

This is true. When I was a kid...

I was about 10...

we had a really long hot summer

and there was a hosepipe ban.

You couldn't water

your flowers.

We've all suffered.

So...

That's true actually.

One long hot summer,

and the water ran out.

We didn't know what to do.

We thought, "What could we do?"

And there was people

coming round your house,

trying to tell you

how to conserve water.

They were saying, "When you brush your

teeth, don't let the tap just run.

Put a little glass down."

And they came round.

They were putting house bricks

in the cistern of the toilet

to save water.

And there was public information

films on the television.

There was one advert...

It was like an animation

and it was, like,

a couple in the bath,

and it said, "Conserve water:

Take a bath

with a friend."

Which I did.

I say a friend; He was more

a friend of my granddad's.

But...

No.

10 is a lot to a kid

in England.

What?

He taught me a lot.

He taught me a lot...

Stuff like, "You don't

wash it like that.

Give it here."

No, he was a sweet old man.

I used to call him

granddad Charlie.

He wasn't my real granddad.

He was just an old bloke

who lived across the road

who used to come round

whenever he saw

my parents go out.

And he'd come round...

"Mom and dad out?" "Yeah?"

"All right, do you wanna see

a magic trick?" "Yeah."

He'd draw the curtains and

he'd make me close my eyes,

and he'd sit down and he'd put a

top hat on his lap like that.

A magic hat, right?

And he'd go, "Close your eyes

and feel the magic rabbit."

I used to go up

and I used to...

I used to go in.

I used to feel the little...

A weird little thing it was.

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