Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #4

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Didn't have any fur or ears.

And it used to go...

And it was scared stiff,

it was.

It was terrified.

And he'd make me

stroke it for...

And I stroked it so fast once

that it was sick all down my...

Shut up. Shut up.

F*** off.

Oh dear, oh.

Where was oh yeah, famine.

Famine is a problem,

which brings me

to this next fad

that we need to stamp out.

This happened

Christmas before last,

exchanging gifts with old

friends, good friends,

quite well-off friends

if I'm being honest.

I got them a coffee-making

machine from Harrods.

Top of the range.

They loved it.

They gave me my present.

It was just an envelope.

I thought, "Ih, what's this?

Vouchers?"

Opened it up.

It wasn't vouchers.

It was just a card with

a picture of a goat on it.

And I said,

"What's this?"

They went, "Oh, our gift to you

is we gave a goat

to an African family."

"What?"

I'm looking

at the coffee machine,

thinking, "Is it too late

to take that back?"

"And what is..."

"Oh, we gave a goat to an African family."

"Did you? Oh."

So I've got f*** all then

basically.

Mean, I don't even know

this African family.

Why would I give them a goat?

It doesn't make...

This serves no purpose at all.

This is no good for anyone.

They're 50 quid down.

I've got nothing.

The African family's going,

"Not another mouth to feed."

Right?

The goat is going,

"Where the f*** am I?

This... what the f...

This is sh*t.

A week ago I was gamboling

round the Cotswolds.

There was grass and tourists

with nuts and...

This is a f***ing dust bowl."

There's no way that goat

wanted to go to Africa.

It was basically...

It was kidnapped. It was abducted.

It was put in a sack and

bundled on a boat to Africa

like "Roots" in reverse.

There was no...

There was no way.

They went, "Do you want

to go to Africa?"

It went, "Definitely not.

No no."

"Oh, come on.

Why don't you wanna go to Africa?"

"Um, lions."

"Come on.

Why don't you wanna go to Africa?"

"Um, AIDS."

"Well, that shouldn't

affect you."

"It shouldn't."

So just be careful

with that charity sh*t,

particularly at Christmas.

That's when they get you.

They give you a guilt trip

at Christmas.

All the adverts of a charity

at Christmas.

You're sitting at home,

aren't you,

having your Christmas lunch...

loads of food, too much food.

Probably gonna throw

a lot of it away, right?

And things like this

come on the telly.

This runs every Christmas

day in England.

It goes, "Is there

an old lady near you,

cold and lonely

this Christmas?"

Yeah.

I f***in' hate her.

Nosy b*tch winds me up

all year round, okay?

I can't wait

for the cold weather.

There's no old lady near me.

She died last year

of hypothermia.

So result, yeah.

Brilliant.

The other big one is "A dog is for

life, not just for Christmas."

I'm right behind that.

I'm really into animal welfare.

And that's obviously aimed

at parents whose kids go,

"Can I have a puppy?

Can I have a puppy?"

And they go, "No."

"Can I have a puppy? Can I..."

And they get them a puppy

to shut them up, right?

And the kid likes it when it's cute.

It grows up.

The kid gets other interests,

gets bored with the dog.

They lumber the parents

with it.

The parents get bored with it.

They abandon it.

11,000 pets were abandoned in England

last year, which is terrible.

And I think, you know,

kids should have pets.

I think it teaches them

life lessons.

I haven't got kids, but I've got

loads of nieces and nephews.

And they've got kids

of their own now.

I want to be a cool uncle

and give them what they want,

but I want to be

a responsible one too

and not add

to the stray problem.

But I think I've solved

the dilemma.

Here's a tip.

This is what I do, anyway.

You've gotta wait

till Christmas eve.

And always go to an animal

rescue center, not a breeder.

I go along to an animal

rescue center Christmas eve,

and I go to

the veterinary part.

They've usually got, like,

a runt who's been born

sort of disabled

with no quality of life,

and they're just putting that

out of its misery.

And I go, "No, don't kill that one.

I'll take that one."

And they go, "It's only

gonna live a day."

Perfect. Perfect.

So... so...

and I run home.

I'm going, "Don't die yet.

Don't die yet.

Hold on."

A little bit of Starbucks.

A little bit of Starbucks.

And I rush in. I call my niece.

She comes running.

"Uncle Ricky!"

"Got you a puppy."

"Uncle Ricky,

you got me a puppy!"

"Yeah, your best uncle

got you a puppy.

Yeah. Go on,

play with it quick.

Go on, play with it."

She takes it to bed with her Christmas

eve and she sleeps with it.

She wakes up Christmas day,

it's dead, cold, stiff, gone.

So result.

Not a problem.

And they always come down

the next day, they go,

"Oh, my puppy's dead.

My puppy's dead."

They go, "Oh, what?

The puppy your uncle got you?

He did his bit, and whatever happened

after that isn't his problem."

They go, "Yeah."

And I go, "Maybe you rolled

over it in the night."

"Oh, did I?

Oh no! Oh no!"

And then they start

"I killed my puppy."

"I killed my puppy."

And they go,

"No, you didn't kill your puppy."

Jesus killed your puppy

on his birthday

'cause you didn't spend enough

on your uncle's

Christmas present."

They usually buck

their ideas up the next year.

The other big campaign

at Christmas:

Don't drink and drive.

Right behind that as well.

A lot more stigma attached

to that these days.

When I was growing up, it was whether

you got away with it or not.

But people now know

it's sort of... It wrecks lives.

I'd be getting in the car when I

was a kid with grown-ups, family.

I'd be going, "No, you can't drive.

You had too much to drink."

And they go, "It's all right.

I won't get caught."

But now people know

that's wrong.

I've done it once

and I'm not proud of it.

I'm f***ing ashamed of it.

That was Christmas.

I wasn't drunk,

but I was over the limit.

I took the car out

and I knew I shouldn't.

I knew I shouldn't be driving.

But I learned my lesson, because

I nearly killed an old woman.

No, in the end

I didn't kill her.

In the end I just raped her.

But as I say,

nothing came of it.

Luckily for me,

a thousand-to-one shot,

she had Alzheimer's.

So not a credible witness.

Spiders... Oh, spiders.

They're always ready,

aren't they?

Aren't they always ready for...

They're always ready

for action, a spider.

It's always completely f***ing

ready for action like that.

Always ready

for action, always.

I mean, some animals

are sometimes ready.

You startle a cat

and it'll go...

( Gasps )

For a few seconds.

Then it goes back to chill.

Most of the time a cat is just

laying on the floor, isn't it?

Just on its side,

all four limbs

just stretched out

in one direction.

You will never see

a spider like that.

You will never see a spider

just lying on the carpet,

its head down

and all eight legs

just stretched out like that.

They're always... Ugh.

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