Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #5

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They're always ready, okay?

And they're always ready

in every direction

like the f***ing "Matrix,"

like that.

They don't have to turn.

They've got 10 eyes...

eight legs and 10 eyes.

It's over the top.

They're even ready when you

don't think they're ready.

You can see an empty web

and you go,

"That spider's

not ready."

"No? Touch the web."

"What?"

"Touch the web."

And it's there, like that.

I f***ing hate them.

37,000 different species

of spider.

37,000 different

species of spider.

I mean, millions and billions

of individuals

in each species.

And that's just one class,

arachnid,

of one phylum, arthropoda.

There could be five million

species of animal

alive now on the earth.

Best guess, okay?

And that's 1%

of all animal species

that have ever existed.

99% of all animal species

that ever existed

are now extinct,

and that remaining 1%

is five million strong.

Take one of those species...

termites.

If we were to weigh

every termite alive now,

it would be 10 times

the tonnage

of every human being on earth.

And it's statistics like that

that make me think

that this book

isn't totally accurate.

It's the book of Noah,

the children's edition.

I actually got this

awarded to me

when I used to go

to Sunday school every week.

I believed in all this

till I was eight.

"St. Agnes Sunday School.

Presented to:

Rikki Gervais..."

R-i-k-k-i.

Like a f***ing mongoose, right?

"...For regular

attendance."

Not even for being good at

anything; Just for turning up.

"He's always here. Give him a prize.

He'll be back."

"Thank you.

Thank you."

Let's have a look

at the evidence.

"Long long ago, when God

first made the earth..."

I'll let both those points go.

We haven't got time.

Right.

"Long long ago" by the way,

according to the Bible,

is 5,000 years.

According to the old testament,

the earth is no older

than 5,000 years old, okay?

It's actually

4.6 billion years old.

Let's pop that in, pop that in.

"4.6 billion years ago,

when God first made

the earth and sky..."

All right, don't bring it up.

It comes as a package

really, doesn't it?

I mean... Do you know

what I mean?

The sky was never

an optional extra.

It's like, "Made you a planet."

"I can't breathe."

"Would you like

an atmosphere?"

"Of course

I f***in' would."

So, well done, but...

"Everything was peaceful,

everything beautiful.

God made human beings too,

and he wanted them

to be good like himself."

Arrogant, right?

"But very soon,

they wanted their own way.

They would not listen to God.

They became wicked

and did wicked things."

Look at them doing

wicked things there.

You don't get much more

wicked than that, do you?

"F***... Oh, f*** off, wicked!"

Whee.

"F*** off, wicked!"

Whee.

"Ah!"

God just looking on.

"Oh, carry on.

See what happens.

See what happens.

Oh, see what happens, yeah.

Oh, see what happens."

The bloke there running off

with a big bag of money.

Don't put it in a bank,

you c*nt.

( Groans )

Right.

"God looked at them

and said to himself,

'they are so wicked,

I will have to

wipe them off

the face of the earth.'"

really? Really?

Straight to genocide?

What happened to one verbal

and two written warnings?

Straight...

Straight to the annihilation

of the entire human race

because

a fatty-yellow-trousers

picked someone's nose?

Really?

F***.

Anger management, man.

Just calm the f*** down.

Let's... just chill.

Let's talk about this.

Wow!

I read that

to Karl Pilkington, right?

- Who is... Yes.

- ( Audience cheering )

Yes.

Head like a f***in' orange,

I know, yeah.

I read that bit to him.

"They are so wicked, I will have to

wipe them off the face of the earth."

And Karl said,

"He sounds gay."

I said, "What...

what do you mean?"

He went, "Some gays

are a bit like that."

He thought God was, like,

having a hissy fit.

Like he's going, "No, they

treat me like a bastard,

I'm gonna treat them

like a bast...

I'm gonna show them.

I'm gonna wipe 'em out."

I said, "Karl,

God is not gay, okay?

Read the Bible.

He hates them."

"They are so wicked, I will have to

wipe them off e face of the earth,

and every living thing

with them."

What's the squid ever done?

Real... God has gone mad.

What?

But he's not gay.

God is not gay.

"But there was one man

who was still very good.

His name was Noah.

He was a friend of God."

Just a friend,

so don't... No.

Just a friend...

A friend with

big hooped earrings.

Rouge.

What... what's he doing...

He lives in a cave.

What's he doing with this?

"What... what are

you doing?"

"Seeing God.

You never know.

You never know."

Handlebar mustache.

Holding God's hand,

who's wearing a blouse.

God is not gay.

"God said to Noah,

'I am so angry

with men...'"

"You mean men and women?"

"Whatever.

Whatever."

"'I am so angry with men

that I have made my mind up

to destroy them all.

I have stretched my bow in the sky.

It is a rainbow.'"

that's got to be the world's

first pun, hasn't it?

"'It will make so much rain

pour down on earth

that everything will be

drowned, but not you.

I want you to build an ark.

It must be like a big boat with

three decks and a roof over it.'"

"Yeah, I know how to build a boat, mate.

Oh, cheers."

"'And you will make a door

in the side of it.'"

"Do you think I'm a complete idiot?

I know..."

"Noah did exactly

what God told him.

And then God said

to Noah..."

Now...

Okay okay.

Now this is aimed

at children, admittedly,

but it's taken from the old

testament story in the Bible.

But I don't think

the author of this book

is a zoologist.

As we've said, there could be

five million species of animal.

I don't think

he knows them all,

the way he backs out very quickly

in this next sentence, okay?

"'I want you to take two of every kind

of animal with you into the ark...

Two lions, two tigers,

two elephants and so on.'"

"What?

I've got lions, tigers, elephants... so on.

On you go."

"'Look after them well

and keep them alive.'

and Noah did

what God said."

Now I want you to study

that scenario.

Okay, so God is angry

with mankind.

He's fed up with them.

They're wicked.

He's gonna wipe them out

and just start again

with Noah and his wife.

He's angry with the animals

too for some reason.

I don't... So he's gonna

start again

with just two of each species.

He calls a flood.

They build an ark.

Noah goes, "Right,

two of each species.

Two, just two.

Quick, first two."

( Trumpets )

There's a stampede.

( Trumpets )

Two elephants.

( Trumpets )

Two toucans...Just walking.

There's no rush.

Just strollin', baby.

I think this one

is a bit more concerned

than this one.

This one's probably going,

"Should we fly?"

"Nah."

"No?"

"Nah."

I could do this all night.

"No?"

"Nah."

( Snorts )

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"I mean, we've...

Well, we've got wings."

( Laughing )

"We've got feet as well."

"Why don't you wanna

push in?"

"That elephant's

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