Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #6

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looking at me funny."

"Yeah, I... I f***in' am.

If you try and push in,

I'm gonna stamp on you,

you... you big-nosed twat."

"Hold on. Who are you

calling big-nosed?"

"What do you mean?"

"No, it's just pot

calling kettle black."

"What the f*** does that mean?

What does 'pot... '"

"Well, you know, if a pot's...

Oh, forget it."

"I can't forget it.

I'm a f***ing elephant."

( Laughing )

Oh.

Two camels, two lions,

two ostriches,

two leopards,

two tigers, two zebra.

Ah, here's the crux

of my point.

Just one species on the ark

at the moment:
The giraffes.

They got there first...

Longer legs, okay?

Five million more species

to get on there.

So two of it... So two animals on the ark

at the moment.

10 million more animals to go.

10 million more of those, ok?

Million as far as...

10 million of them

to get on there.

Just two on there

at the moment.

Look how much room

they're already taking up.

It's at a third capacity.

What's it going

to be like on there

when these two

fat c*nts get on?

Man:
Yeah!

"Then God bent the bow

of his anger

d the rain came flooding down,

covering the earth with water.

It rained for 40 days

and nights.

The flood water rose

higher and higher,

until it covered the tops

of the highest mountains.

Every living thing

was drowned except Noah

and the animals

in the ark."

And the fish.

They were fine, weren't they?

They were fine.

They were loving it.

They were better off.

In fact, all the sea creatures.

I mean, mountains underwater...

Their domain had increased,

like, tenfold.

It's so much more interesting.

You've got crabs going,

"I'm on a f***ing mountain!

This is amazing!

I never want this flood to...

I've never been

up here before."

I think of that

when you see on the news,

like if there's a little

village in Gloucester

flooded or something.

It's really sad.

You see people...

They've lost their homes

and they're in dinghies,

carrying their pets.

And you see a little row

of antique shops

completely underwater.

And I think of a fish

just looking in the window

of the antique shop

for the first time.

"So that's a chaise longue."

"For 150 days the earth

was covered with water.

Then Noah opened the window

of the ark and looked out.

The water seemed to be going

down, but how could he be sure?"

Well, ask God. You've been chatting

to him all the way through.

Why are we...

Why are we getting cryptic

all of a sudden?

"He sent a raven out,

but it soon came flying back.

It could find

nowhere to settle.

Noah waited another week

and he sent out a dove."

Why did the raven lose his job?

"But the dove

came back too."

See? The raven wasn't bullshitting.

This is...

"There was still no dry land anywhere...

"But one day

the dove flew out and..."

Why did the dove

get a second go

and not the raven?

Racist.

"But one day the dove flew out

and brought back

a green olive branch.

And Noah knew that

God was no longer angry.

Then God told Noah to the

animals out of the ark.

'They must once more fill

the Earth with living things.'

the first thing Noah did

was to build an altar.

He offered a sacrifice to God

to thank him for saving them.

And Noah said "I'll make a pact

of friendship with you."

'I will never again send a flood

to destroy the earth.

The rainbow,

which I've put in the sky,

will no longer be a sign of my

anger, but a sign of peace.

It will be a sign

of my friendship with men... '"

That is...

That is how it is...

That is how it is used today.

They took it literally.

"'It will be a sign of my friendship

with men, which begins today,

and which my son Jesus

will one day prove

by shedding his blood

for men.'"

"Who?"

"You'll see."

There was... there wasn't

a teaser campaign

in the old testament.

Coming soon:
The sequel.

"And so when you have

done wrong

and you are feeling

very sad about it,

think of the rainbow

and the peace

which God wants to put

into your heart.

He has promised to be your friend.

Promise to be his."

And that's just one of 12

in the dove books series.

I've only got one:

Number nine... "Noah."

Although I think my favorite

would be number eight

just from the title...

"Jesus and the Cripple."

( Cheering, applause )

Thank you.

Cheers.

Oh dear.

I...

I read that whole book to Karl and uh...

He believed it all.

Why wouldn't he? It's written down..

And I said, "Karl, think.

How could they get 10

million animals on a boat?"

Karl went, "They said

it was a big boat."

Yeah, they did.

That's true.

I said, "Put they're all

part of the food chain.

They would have literally had to

have eaten each other to survive.

Why didn't the lion

eat the antelope?

Why didn't the spider

eat the fly?"

And Karl said, "'Cause in a

crisis you all pull together."

Amazing.

I'd love to do a book

of his quotes.

I love books of quotations.

I love just reading them

for... for pleasure.

I've got a few

of these compilations.

And one of my heroes

is Winston Churchill.

When I read "Give us the tools

and we will finish the job,"

I thought, "How inspiring."

And when I read "Never in

the field of human conflict

was so much owed

by so many to so few,"

I thought,

"How patriotic."

And when I read

"It is a good thing

for an uneducated man to read

books of quotations,"

I thought,

"You cheeky, fat git."

People always say to me

that Oscar Wilde

is the greatest genius

that's ever lived.

Let's have a look to me

at the evidence, okay?

Here's one of his.

"All women become

like their mothers.

That is their tragedy.

No man does.

That is his."

That sounds a bit gay to me.

Don't you think?

I... No, just...

Give him another go.

Here's another one.

"I couldn't help it.

I can resist everything except temptation."

That sounds gay as well.

I think...

I want to start that

with an "Ooh."

I wanna go,

"Ooh, I couldn't help it."

Do you know what I mean?

And I want to end it with, "I can

resist everything except temptation.

Chance would be a fine thing."

You know?

And when he went through

customs in New York

all those years ago...

And the customs officer,

just doing his job, said,

"Have you anything to declare?"

Oscar Wilde famously said,

"Nothing but my genius."

Ooh.

That wasn't witty.

I bet he planned that.

I bet the first time

he went through customs

in a foreign country it was all

"Yes sir," "No sir."

"Anything to declare?" "No."

"Thanks. On you go."

"Oh, I just thought

of something

f***ing brilliant to say.

Oh!

I'm always doing that.

Excuse me, can I go back through...

No? Ugh!"

He had to wait weeks in those days,

back on the boat to England,

just thinking,

"If they say that again...

'Anything to declare?'

'Nothing but my genius.'

I'll be in a book

of quotations."

He gets there again

weeks later,

finds the same bloke,

goes up to him.

The bloke goes,

"On you go."

"Didn't even f***ing

ask me that time.

F***.

Excuse me, they didn't

ask me if...

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