Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #7

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Random,

f***ing random."

Right?

Back on the boat.

Three weeks later, getting it.

Gets there this time,

finds the same bloke.

Is time he's started looking

shifty so he gets picked out.

Like that, right? The blok, right?...

"Did you buy anything?"

"That's not the question.

Say 'Have you anything

to declare?'"

"Okay. Have you anything

to declare?"

"Nothing but my genius."

"Whose are the butt plugs?"

"They're mine.

They're mine.

They're mine."

Incarcerated in reading jail

for homosexuality.

We've come a long way

from it being punishable

to total equality,

as it should be of course.

In England the gay

age of consent is the same

as heterosexuality now... 16.

And even gay marriage.

Although, ironically,

the one place

that was really

ahead of the game

fell behind a little at the

last election... California.

They had a referendum.

They put it to the vote

and they voted no

to gay marriage.

I mean, California

there's people going,

"That's why

we moved here."

I mean, it's a strange

sort of bigotry

that you can affect

someone else's lifestyle

that doesn't affect you back.

It's not like they asked

a bloke once,

said, "Sorry, do you mind

if these two men get married?"

He went, "No. Fine."

"Okay, Jack 'em then."

"What?

I didn't know that was..."

That doesn't happen, does it?

That doesn't happen.

It's also a strange

sort of bigotry

because these people

that object to that

were presumably

the same people that said

gay people were immoral

and promiscuous.

But now they don't want them

to be monogamous

and respectful

in the eyes of God.

And it must be so confusing

to a gay guy in California,

thinking, "That's the bit

they don't like.

With all the other sh*t we get

up to, it's the marriage bit."

They'd be so confused.

They must go to judges and go,

"Sorry, can I get

the rules straight?"

"What do you want

to know?"

"I just didn't know

what we can and can't do."

"Ask away."

"Can I marry a man?" "No."

"Can I f*** him up the ass

and give him

a little reach-round?"

"Please."

"I...

Can't marry him, no.

But I... and a little...

Can I...

Can... can I pick up

a stranger in the bushes

and take him home

and jizz on him

and throw him out in the morning

all crusty and homeless?"

"Of course you can, yeah."

"But I couldn't

marry him?"

"No."

( Retching )

"No, and don't ask again,

all right?"

"Can I line up 15 men..."

I'm just riffing here.

"Can I line up 15 men

and just jack 'em off

for a laugh?"

"If you want,

yeah yeah."

It would be difficult,

wouldn't it?

Jacking off 15 men at once.

It'd be like plate spinning,

wouldn't it?

No.

Because you'd have...

You could only do

two at once really.

So you'd have these two

ready to blow,

but then they'd be losing it.

And you'd go, "F***ing hell.

Here you go.

Oh, f***ing hell.

All right, all right,

all right."

Ain't it knackering,

jacking off 15 men at once?

I never thought I'd say that.

Again. No.

There's these people that say,

"Being gay isn't natural."

Well, it is natural, and

I've got a book to prove it.

Homosexuality occurs

in about the same incidence

in the animal kingdom

as it does in human society.

This is a real book.

It's called

"Biological exuberance:

Animal homosexuality

and natural diversity"

by Bruce Bagemihl, okay?

"The evidence is compelling

and it seems there is

virtually no species

which does not have

its gay community."

That doesn't mean, like, chimps

on one particular street

wearing leather caps and stuff.

It just...

They sort of

spread it out more really.

This is a real book.

Can we have

the first slide, please?

Right. Okay?

Right.

This is a real book, okay?

Right?

Absolutely real, okay?

"Two male stump-tailed macaques

in mutual fellatio."

Mutual...

They're sharing.

They're sharing it round.

Next slide.

Okay.

"A male squirrel monkey, right,

performing a genital display

toward another male."

( Stammering )

I...

He's just going,

"What do you think of that?"

And this one's going,

"What?"

"Suck it."

Look at his little hand.

"Why?"

"Because we're gay."

"I'm not."

"You f***in' are."

Look at the way

he's holding him.

And he's got his leg up

for extra purchase.

He's going, "Get in there.

Get in there.

Get in there."

Look at him.

( Gibbers )

Can you imagine face

when I discovered this book?

Oh my God.

( Giggling )

Next slide, please.

Ah, okay.

"A female Olympic marmot

mounting another female."

Now I don't know

what is in that

for either of them...

Unless the one on top

is wearing a strap-on dildo.

One more.

One more slide.

Oh, this is a doozy.

Okay.

"Two forms of copulation

between male dolphins:

Genital slit, or anal

penetration, above;

and below,

blowhole penetration."

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Basically...

He is f***ing him

in the head!

It's in the head.

He's f***ing him

in the head, ladies...

I have never seen that

on any wildlife documentary.

I've never... Why have I never

seen that before?

Why are they doing that?

Maybe it's not in the wild.

Maybe it's in seaworld,

which is like their prison.

And they're going...

they're going,

"F***'s sake,

they've put in two males.

Some people think we're fish.

We might as well

f***ing do it."

I mean,

look at his face.

Like that.

He's going, "Dave."

"What?"

"Could... could we not do it

up the ass like them?"

"No. It's in the head

or nothing."

( Laughing )

"D-Dave?"

"What?! What?!"

"Dave, Dave,

I love you...

But I can't

f***ing breathe."

That is a real book.

That is a real book.

Can we have the...

Look.

I love the fact that he found,

like, a turkey in drag

to show how gay

animals can be.

The gayest animal in the world.

I... I hope I haven't

offended anyone

with any of the subject...

No, I do. I do.

That's not the point.

I don't try and offend.

If I have offended anyone,

and I'm sure I have,

I don't apologize.

No, I think you shouldn't.

You have to be able to justify

everything you do.

I always think that a

comedian should take you

to taboo places

you haven't been before.

Otherwise you could

do it yourself.

There's enough

anodyne comedy out there...

Just doing things, obvious

stuff that, you know,

doesn't make

any difference at all.

And there's this

spate of comedians

saying sorry

when they go too far.

I just think, you know,

you should...

They go, "Oh, sorry,

I didn't mean it."

Well, you should've

known better then.

There's also a witch-hunt at

the moment with people saying,

"Is there anything you shouldn't make

a joke about?"

No, there's nothing

you shouldn't joke about.

It depends what the joke is.

( Cheering, applause )

Comedy comes from

a good or a bad place,

and it's for you to decide

what that is.

I think that there's a big

debate about sick jokes.

"Comedians doing

sick jokes."

Now the thing

about sick jokes...

When we tell a sick joke,

it's with the express understanding

that neither party

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