Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2 - The Stand-Up Special Page #8

---

is really like that.

I wouldn't tell a sick joke

to a known pedophile.

I wouldn't go, "Here, mate,

you're gonna f***in' love this

more than anyone, son."

Do you know what I...

I've never been in trouble

for anything I've said

in my professional career

because I refuse to apologize.

What can they do to you,

you know?

Growing up, you try...

try things out

and you get taken

the wrong way a little bit.

Not like the dolphin.

I mean, you know, not...

When I was about 23, 24,

me and my girlfriend met up

with this other couple.

They had moved down from the

north of England to London.

They used to come

in the place I used to work

and we had a couple of

drinks with them.

They were cool people

and they were fun.

After we had met them

a couple of times,

they invited us to a party

at their house.

And we went along.

One, it was a dinner party,

which they hadn't

warned us about.

But two, it was

for their family

that had come down from the north

to see how they were getting on.

And it was both of their

parents and grandparents

and great uncles...

average age about 85, right?

And I think we were

an afterthought.

They thought, "Oh God, we don't

know anyone our own age.

Oh, that Ricky and Jane."

So we went along.

And we were still

getting to know them,

so we just spoke to them

all night.

We didn't really mingle

with the older people.

And as I say,

we use comedy as a sword

and a shield and a medicine,

but usually

as a getting to know you.

We use comedy to break the ice.

Are you like-minded?

What can you take? What do you like?

And I've always pushed

the boundaries a little bit

to try and make people laugh at

things they didn't think they could.

But, you know... But then everything

turns out okay, I suppose.

I started off lightly.

I told this joke.

Why did the little girl

fall off the swing?

'Cause she had no arms.

Yeah, sweet.

And they laughed...

A little bit louder than that.

There was only two of them,

so thanks.

No. So I thought,

"Okay, they get it."

And so you up the ante

a little bit.

You push...

and I told this joke.

Ooh, I need a drink.

Start the car, seriously.

Right.

I told this joke.

Made sure the old people

couldn't hear, like that.

I went, "Okay, a father

is sitting at home,

just reading the newspaper.

His little girl comes running in.

She's only six.

'Hello, darling.'

'Hello, daddy.'

'You've been playing?'

'Yeah.'

'In the park?'

'Yeah.'

'With your friends?'

'Well, until the man came along.'

'Till the man

came along?'

'Yeah, a man came along and he asked

my friends to leave,

so it was just

me and him.'

'Darling, come...

Come over.

Whatever happened,

none of it was your fault.

Okay, darling?

None of it was your fault.

But tell daddy every detail.

What happened?'

'Um, he took me behind a tree

so no one could see

what we were doing.'

'Oh God, darling.

And then what happened?'

'um, he took

my dress off.'

'Oh God. What happened next?

What happened?'

'Um, he took

his thing out.'

'Oh God, darling.

And then what happened?'

'Nothing.

That was it.'

'Oh well,

make something up.'"

- Cheers.

- Man:
Tell us some more, Rick

( cheering, applause )

Don't tell anyone that.

I want it to be a surprise.

So I told that joke.

Carried on,

getting a bit drunk

and telling jokes.

Eventually we sat down for the

meal at about a quarter to 10:00.

They put two tables together.

The hosts sat at either end

and they put me in the middle,

opposite this very sweet,

but very deaf 80-year-old man.

So the conversation

was a bit stilted.

After about 20 minutes,

Ian, one of the hosts,

pops up and says,

"Oh, Ricky, tell that joke."

I went, "What?"

All the old people went,

"Oh, we love jokes."

"Do you?"

I looked at Ian and Ian went,

"It'll be fine."

I went, "Okay." And he got on with

his conversation.

And so they're all like that.

I went, "Um, oh... Uh...

A father is sitting at home,

reading the paper.

A little girl comes running...

" Told the whole joke.

Got to the bit,

"Well, make something up."

They went, ahem.

Silence.

I looked at Ian, he went,

"Not that one!"

Thank you so much.

You've been fantastic.

Good night.

( Cheering, whistling )

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Fantastic.

Thank you so much.

I f***ing love Chicago.

Isn't it brilliant?

- Isn't it amazing?

- ( Cheering )

I've had just the best time.

Thank you...

Thank you so much.

I'll tell you,

I'd risk coming again

through volcanic ash clouds...

anything to get here.

It's fantastic...

terrorist attack.

I've actually always been a

nervous flyer, to be honest.

I flew a few weeks

after 9-11.

After 9-11,

the world went a little

bit crazy, you know?

Understandably.

The rules changed

and there was a lot

of anger and fear

and confusion

and finger-pointing.

And I had always

considered myself

quite a rational,

liberal sort of guy,

and I tried to remain

that way after 9-11.

And even in the pub with mates

I'd be the one who was going,

"No, you can't say that.

No, that's a generalization.

That's ridiculous.

No, that's unfair.

You can't tar everyone

with the same brush.

No, it's still the safest

form of transport.

It's 60 million to one,

the chance of a..."

You know, trying to be rational.

That's in a pub.

When I'm flying it's more like,

"Check him again.

Can we check him again?

He's getting on this...

Do you mind if I check him?

Can I just...

can I just..."

After 9-11,

with all the checks,

I still tried to remain

rational and philosophical.

I was thinking, "Right, it's

harder now than it ever was

to get a bomb on the plane.

This is... You know, the restrictions

are tight. It's safer now."

And then I found out

that a terrorist

doesn't even have to get on

the plane now with a bomb.

They found

heat-seeking missiles,

and they could just park up

in some sort of lay-by

and take the plane out within the

first 10 minutes of take-off.

So now I'd be

on the plane going,

"Right, we're out of range.

Who's got the bomb?"

As I said,

I flew a couple of weeks

after 9-11,

internal flight.

We're up in the air.

I had done the thing.

"We're out of range.

Right, okay."

I was still a bit nervous

and I said to the air hostess...

I said, "Have you got

any magazines?"

Think of this. She said, quite loud,

quite blas...

she said, "No, honey,

we've got no magazines.

We've had to undertake

severe cutbacks

because we're one of the

companies being sued over 9-11."

One:
Don't mention 9-11.

Surely a new rule book

went round.

"Don't mention 9-11 when you're

handing out the coffee."

Do you know what I mean?

Right?

Two:
Don't say

"Severe cutbacks."

Severe cutbacks...

if someone says that,

I don't think

of magazines anymore.

I think of a bloke in an aircraft

hangar earlier that week going,

"Do we really need

all these rivets?"

It's just...

What terrible bedside manner.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote