Riding High Page #4

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Come on, what's the entry fee?

- I gotta get out of here.

- OK, all right, you win.

It looks like you wrapped all your horse

sense in one of those paper boxes.

Make out the stake blank.

It's $500.

Five hundred dollars?

Well, it's a $25,000 race.

I guess 500 is a fair fee.

- Wouldrt you think, Mr. White?

- Peanuts.

You want to make out

a check right now, Dan?

- Now? Right...? Right now?

- Well, you don't have to.

You can do it the day before the race.

Two weeks off, if you like.

- I like.

- I thought you would.

But you'll have to nominate him

before 6 tonight. This is the last day.

I've got the nominating fee right here.

Yes, sir, $25, huh?

- Fifty dollars now, Dan.

- Fifty?

Things have gone up

in the last couple of years.

Say, Collins, how come

4 extra pounds on my horse?

What do you wanna do,

break him down?

He won his last two, didn't he?

You wanna win them all?

And another thing.

I'm not going to enter another horse

until you loosen up that track,

Mr. Pencil-Pusher.

If you didn't have blind staggers,

you could look out and see them

harrowing the track right now.

And don't call me "Pencil-Pusher".

I'll go to Santa Anita,

where I'll get a break.

You can go to... Oh, nothing but beefs.

Now, where are we, Dan?

I'm up to 43. Oh...

Mad money. Forty-four.

I have 44.

Forty-four, 44, 44, we need 50.

Oh, ho, Whitey, let me hear

from you. I have 44, need 50.

Sure would surprise me.

You take a look in the vault.

Well, the ootbay national ankbay.

Let's see what we have here.

Bless my soul, who would have

thought that was in there?

- Came a little hard, didn't it?

- Yes, sir.

A lonely, lovely little finif.

Thank you, brother White.

We have 49, need 50. Have 49,

need 50. We have 49, need 50.

Oh, ho, we have 49, need 50.

Have 49...

- Fifty!

- Thank you, sir.

You are a gentleman. If you're

ever down in Bourbon County,

the smokehouse's full of hog meat,

and we got juleps 9 feet tall.

I guess we're all nuts!

But if this ever gets around,

I'll run you right off this track.

Oh, nix cracken, Jimmy Bracken,

I'm as silent as the tomb.

- There you are.

- Thank you.

- Now we'll have to have a stall.

- Stall. Now you got me.

Not a stall left on the track.

What do you want me to do,

tie up under a tree?

I was saving one

for you gypsies, but,

well, that Gallant Lady outfit put

the bee on me for the whole shebang.

- You know Gallant Lady, name horse.

- Oh, yeah, pulls in the public, I guess.

Yes, she does.

Oh, wait a minute, now.

I have got one barn. Old Pop Jones',

over here on Maple Street.

- Not in very good shape, though.

- Oh, we don't care.

- Broadway Bill's no snob. We'll take it.

- Good.

And thank you, Mr. Pencil-Pusher.

Good luck, Dan,

and don't forget those photos.

- Oh, no, we'll have them.

- Bye, Whitey.

Say, Collins, what are you doing,

plowing up the track?

What is this, a corn field?

Gallant Lady won't run on a soft track.

Now, I told you that. So help me,

I'll scratch her right out of the derby.

Will you take it easy, Mr. Whitehall?

That track will be lightning-fast

come derby day.

I am doing this track a favor

by entering Gallant Lady,

and I want a fair shake, and don't

you forget it, you pencil-pusher!

Hey, he needs a saliva test, huh?

- Gallant Lady. Gallant Lady.

- Oh, Gallant Lady. Oh, my dear.

Nice and comfortable inside.

Pretty well broke in, I guess.

Well, I guess it's all right, Pop.

That'll be $25 dollars a week,

in advance.

- In advance of what?

- Well, before you move in.

Oh, we haven't moved in yet.

A few things I want to check.

Had some pretty fine horses

stay here.

- Did they survive?

- Eh?

Well, we won't quibble.

Now, who's the feed man?

- Eh?

- The feed man. Who's the feed man?

- Oh, the feed man.

- Yeah.

- Right here.

- You?

Well, now, that's a break, Whitey.

Pop's the feed man too.

Hallelujah!

Not too loud,

you'll wake up the termites.

Pop, there's a few things

we're gonna need.

We'll need some barley, some oats,

carrots, of course, and a little salt,

- about 10 pounds of salt.

- Is this for cash?

- Eh?

- Eh?

- Oh, you too?

- Oh, since I was a little shaver, yeah.

- Just this ear, though. OK here.

- I say, is this for cash?

Cash? Now, what's the matter

with you? Don't you trust me?

- Yeah, but I don't know you.

- Well, I don't know you.

- But it's my barn.

- But it's my horse.

And another thing,

we'll need some cots.

- Eh?

- Some cots. C-O-T-S.

- You know, to sleep on.

- You're going to sleep in here?

Certainly! You don't think...

Pop, that's the horse that's going

to win the Imperial Derby.

I couldn't let him sleep

in here all by himself.

Now, come on, Pop, get on the ball.

Wake up! Come alive!

We're letting you in on a sure thing,

chance to pick up a bankroll.

- This horse is a sleeper.

- He's a what?

- He's a sleeper! A sleeper!

- You want a cot for the horse too?

Say, he's a riot, isn't he? Pop, you're

a card. You ought to be in vaudeville.

You're a riot!

Look, now. Come on, get on the ball.

We gotta get some food in here for this

horse. Keep him on edge. Keep him fit.

Get the stuff in here, now.

It's feeding time.

Got him fit and get him ready.

Come on, move, move!

- Whitey?

- Yes, sir, Mr. Brooks.

Remind me to get down to the bank in

the morning and make that deposit.

Yes, sir. It ain't safe to be carrying

that money around in your pocket.

No, it wearies a body.

Mr. Brooks, you certainly

got some funny ideas.

- Why?

- When I go out to borrow money,

I generally wear my old clothes,

my old shoes and things.

It's plain to see you don't appreciate the

secret of the race track, then, Whitey.

Gotta put on a front. If you look hungry

and down-at-the-mouth, you're dead.

Now, if these threads of mine impress

Professor Pettigrew sufficiently,

- our enforced diet is over.

- Who's Professor Pettigrew?

Who's Professor Pettigrew? Why,

he's a gentleman, a profound scholar

and a fellow you can bite

for a fast buck if he's got it.

- I hope he's got it.

- Oh, he's got it, all right.

The grapevine tells me

that the professor is literally

infested with the green stuff.

As a matter of fact,

he's worked out a system,

and he's had 15 straight winners.

- Professor Pettigrew!

- Yes, angel?

Take your feet off

my needlepoint chair!

Yes, chicken.

Happy, at long last, eureka!

For 15 years, ever since I left

the faculty of Yale University,

in utter boredom, I have been working

on the Pettigrew system

for beating the mutuels.

And now, voil!

You know, he's beginning to believe

that Yale baloney himself.

I've had my ups and downs,

but today

I can finally say that my system

is infallible.

It certainly is. Fifteen straight losers.

How infallible can you get?

Is that so?

There, Einstein. Gin.

By an investment of a paltry $50,

I can show a profit of a $165,000

- within two weeks!

- I read my fairy tales at night.

But it'll cease to be a fairy tale

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