Riding High Page #5

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when I get the 50.

Where you gonna get it,

from vinegar-puss?

- Professor Pettigrew!

- Yes, my love.

I'll get the 50 from the finest

gentleman that ever raced a horse:

Dan Brooks,

a very good friend of mine.

Anybody who had 50 bucks

wouldn't be a friend of yours.

Is that so? Well, Dan Brooks is a

captain of industry, owns a paper mill,

and he's never turned me down yet.

And what's more, we're going

to be his guests at lunch today.

- He's going to buy us lunch?

- At the Greenview Club, laddie,

where even the busboys have

to be bank presidents.

How do we get inside that place?

Disguised as salads?

You overlook the power

of culture, my friend.

I merely phoned them and said,

"Professor Pettigrew of Yale

is lunching with Mr. Brooks,

"the noted tycoon.

Prepare a table, please. "

Oh, by the way,

have you a dime for carfare?

I never carry any large

denominations.

I see. Very well, we'll walk.

Now, the good professor's

been kind enough to invite me

to lunch with him at

the exclusive Greenview Club,

where the blue blood flows like water

and the carpets are thicker

than porterhouse steaks.

Wish me luck, huh?

And if you can't get the money,

bring me back a piece of that

thick carpet. Medium brown.

- Here we are, Mr. Brooks.

- Oh, Dan.

- Dan, my boy. Well, this is a pleasure.

- Professor.

Capital.

Oh, hello, hello. How are you?

Glad to see you.

Please lower your voices.

Rule of the club.

- I'm sorry.

- Sit down, professor.

I took the liberty of bringing my

business associate, Oscar McGuire.

Oscar, this is Dan Brooks.

- How are you, sir?

- Stop me if I'm breathing too loud.

Yeah, keep it soft,

or we'll get the heave-ho.

This, gentlemen,

this is an occasion.

After the separation of many years,

Damon and Pythias are reunited.

Isn't this great?

- Pythias.

- Damon, old pal.

Waiter, a bottle of champagne

for auld lang syne.

Yes, and bring a thick steak

for auld Pythias too.

- Yes, sir.

- Bring the entire menu.

- Fill up the table. Bring everything.

- Bring everything on.

- And for you?

- Anything. I just came in to get warm.

Say, your friend's pretty amusing,

isn't he?

He comes up with some polite stuff.

Say, professor,

- I hear you're in the upper brackets.

- Comme ci, comme ca.

- Parlez francais, huh?

- After all, a mars wealth

- is the friendship of those he admires.

- That's a beautiful sentiment.

Well-put too.

But I've heard some things about you.

I hear you've got a system,

and it's rolling.

They tell me you're knocking

the ponies dead.

They say that you won

more money the other day

than you could carry away

from the race track.

True or false?

- Eh, how about you?

- Well, I can't complain.

- My horse is eating.

- I...

Modesty becomes you, Dan.

You great big industrialist.

Wait a minute.

We'll get thrown out of here.

You know, I always said,

"Dan Brooks.

"There's one man that

will really come through. " Eh?

Yeah, you know what I've always

said about you, professor,

"You're a winner in my book.

A true-blue friend. "

- How long does this go on?

- We're old pals, the social...

The bubbly has arrived.

Well, well.

I'm delighted for this opportunity to

repay your past favors, Dan, my boy.

Well, thank you, professor.

You're very sweet.

- I have a little mathematical certainty.

- Yes?

I have a little mathematical certainty

that should net us precisely $160,000.

- Oh, yeah?

- I wouldn't let anyone in on it but you.

Say, it sounds good.

- A toast.

- A toast.

A toast to the birth

of a new syndicate.

Pettigrew and Brooks.

Pettigrew supplies the brains.

Brooks supplies the money.

With a start of a mere $50

and the use of a little applied calculus,

I have a system

of parlays worked out...

Professor. Do these flapping

old ears of mine deceive me,

or did you come here to put

the bite on me for 50 bucks?

Oh, nothing as vulgar as that.

This is an investment

in the progress of science, my boy.

Well, don't look now, professor,

but we're back in the Dark Ages.

You mean?

I came here to put the bite

on you for a grand.

You mean to tell me you're broke?

Down to the bricks.

I beg your pardon?

And I came here...

- And you came here...

- I guess so.

Well, that's the funniest...

It's sensational.

What's so funny about that?

He's trying to bite me.

I'm trying to bite him.

Nobody's got a quarter.

Waiter, more champagne!

Gentlemen, please, please.

You're disturbing our patrons.

- I'm a little disturbed myself.

- Gentlemen.

- Professor. Come in the office.

- Yes?

What is the exact extent

of your financial embarrassment?

The lower depths.

Not even enough to pay

for this meal?

Not one bubble of this

very delightful champagne.

Well, maybe we can get

something back on the bottle, huh?

Hey, how's your wallet?

I don't know. I ate it yesterday.

Well, gentlemen. We appear

to be in something of a situation.

To the situation.

We might as well get

to like one another.

We're gonna be together

for at least 30 days.

- All right, gentlemen?

- Sure. Cut up another 30 days.

I have been mulling

the problem over in my mind.

- Yes?

- I have come to a simple

- but adequate conclusion.

- I know, we all drop dead.

- Oh, not that.

- Quiet, quiet, quiet.

- Gentlemen, just gaze about you.

- Yes?

All we have to do is to shock the

sensibilities of this prize collection

of stuffed shirts,

and we will be promptly ejected.

You know, I think he's got something.

What'll we do? Jump up and down

and slug each other with tea bags?

No, no, no, gentlemen.

We are in our cups.

Or as we used to say at Yale,

we are "stinko".

You mean we are loaded?

- We are fractured.

- Well, here we go.

We are poor little lambs

Who have lost our way

- Take the tenor.

- Baa, baa, baa

We are little black sheep

Who have gone astray

- Please.

- Baa, baa, baa

- Gentlemen, I beg of you.

- Baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa

Gentlemen songsters off on a spree

Doomed from here to eternity

Any decent restaurant would

have had us in the gutter by now.

- It's crawling with Yale men.

- Class of '82.

This is outrageous.

How can anyone eat in this bedlam?

Why, I understood this to be

a dignified, quiet salle manger,

not a Hofbruhaus.

We are leaving. Out of the way.

- Is anything wrong?

- Anything wrong?

You expect us to eat

in this collegiate cacophony?

You'll have a sharp note

from ASCAP, sir.

Yes, but you were the ones

who begun this.

Us? We're Harvard men.

Baa, baa, baa

Here we are.

Give.

- You drive a sharp bargain, my friend.

- Yes, sir.

That's the new light type.

You'll like that.

Yeah. Well, it ain't exactly

the size I wanted.

What do you want for a hamburger?

A telephone pole?

Oh, I ain't kicking,

but I should ought to have a hat or...

Hey.

- I'll give you a Coke for the hat.

- That's ridiculous.

We were just served champagne

for a song.

- Sure.

- Pie for the tie.

Wouldrt have anything

to hang myself with.

What's the matter with you fellows?

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