Ripped

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

Dude, this is good chili.

What's in this?

Can't tell you.

Mom's secret recipe.

Oh yeah?

Yo man, how many of these

seeds you think we've

thrown over here over the

past couple of years?

Huh?

What, a quadrillion?

Is that a real number?

I don't know if it's a

real number and a fake

word, or a fake word

and a real number.

It's like, how come

the weed won't grow?

Man, we found the only

spot in the northwest

where weed won't grow.

It's not good.

Come on dude, let's go.

We're gonna be late

picking up Debbie.

-Let's do this.

-Let's do it!

Come on.

Come on man!

Hey!

Hold up! Wait up, wait up. I

forgot my bike, hold on.

Hi, Mr. Sanchez.

I'm Harris,

Debbie's boyfriend.

We're here to take Debbie to

the raising hell concert.

Is she ready?

What up dude?

I mean sir dude.

You've got to

be kidding me.

I know, women right?

Never ready on time.

No, we'll wait.

Hey, by any chance you

got any munchy snacks?

I know you got 'em.

Don't you hold out on me!

Mm!

Mmm!

So Debbie tells

me you're not planning on

going to college.

No sir.

We don't need college.

Reeves and I are going to

start our own business and

live off the grid.

That's right.

Off the what?

Oh, well, you know.

Not get caught up in the

whole corporate rat race.

Corporations kill

the working man.

- I got this.

- -Yeah, I.

It's a really cool idea.

-Are you ready?

-Mhm.

Reeves and I drive around

the country selling coffee

on street corners.

Wow!

-Right?

-Right?

Yo, dude, okay.

And then sometimes we'll

just set up right in the

middle of the street if

-there ain't no corners!

-Yeah!

-You know what I mean?

-Absolutely.

Where the corner at?

You want a whip it?

Mm.

Whip it?

I was wrong

about you boys.

I want to apologize.

Oh, no need.

And this idea of yours

is one surefire plan for

success.

-Yes, baby, yes!

-Mhmm!

This should be enough to

intoxicate my daughter,

don't you think?

Sir, we're, we're not

going to need that.

Oh yeah, sir,

no, we're fine.

We already have

vodka in our Van.

Oh.

-So you have a Van.

-Yeah!

I assume you must have a

mattress in the back

of the Van as well.

-No, no!

-Ha ha, not yet, not yet!

There's nothing like

fornicating in the back of

a Van, huh?

Am I right?

Well sir we're not into

the whole f***ing animals

thing.

Hey, how are you

guys on condoms?

You know, on second

thought, it'll probably be

a lot more fun

to violate my daughter

without protection.

And you can join

in too, gordito!

You're not going to

let her go, are you?

-Why not?

-Because I don't like you boys.

Okay?

You're stoners, this

concert is way too far

away, and Debbie

is a minor.

Alright, so

that's one reason.

And let me add

something else, okay?

In all my years, I have

never heard of such a

stupid idea

for a business.

Selling cups of coffee?

That's as dumb as trying

to sell bottles of water!

Alright, alright.

Alright.

I see what's going on.

So, sir.

What if I promise

not to f*** her?

-Wh-relax! We're negotiating.

-Sir.

Shh!

Can I just talk

to Debbie, please?

No.

Okay.

So uh, can I go upstairs

and talk to Debbie?

What part of "no" is

confusing to you boys?

I don't know about him,

but to me, between the "k"

and the "w" being silent,

i-it's just never made any

sense to me.

You don't need this

because I'm sure you have

plenty of weed

in your Van.

Pssh, no!

I wish we had...

Yo, first off, I wish we

had plenty of weed in the

back of our Van, okay?

We're actually about to go

pick up some weed from one

of my homies that we know

on the way there because

we running a little low,

so you don't really know

everything silent-k

silent-w about everything

that me and him have going on.

So y-yeah.

I want you boys

out of my house.

Vamanos! Sal afuera!

Out!

Man, I think Debbie

ratted us out.

How did he know

we were stoners?

What the!

Debbie!

Oh.

I guess Tommy gave

us the wrong address.

Um...

Do you know

where Joe lives?

I'm Joe.

You're here for herb?

You're the dealer?

I mean, you look like you

could be selling avon.

I sell that too.

Lip gloss or weed?

Make up your mind.

Weed.

Wow, she really

does sell avon.

Northwest division

salesperson of the year.

What are the odds...

-Oh my god!

-Oh my, what the...

I think you guys are cops.

What?

Yo, look w-we just

changed our minds, right?

Didn't we change our mind?

We came her for

some lip gloss.

Lip gloss. You got some...

What's Tommy's

middle name?

W-we don't know!

I swear, I swear!

Uh!

I don't either.

I'm just f***ing with you.

-Ha ha...

-That's...

That's funny.

Take off your clothes.

--What?

Take off your clothes...

Take off your clothes.

Do you want the

weed or not?

Yeah, but why would we

need to take off our clothes?

Do I need to get my

strap-on so we can do a

few dance numbers first?

No, no!

No strap-on at all.

But, this, but

you're funny though.

Strip, ladies.

Strip, b*tches.

Um, well, you know,

probably just to like make sure

we're not wired

or something?

No, man! No! No! No!

I saw this!

I saw this in my mind!

I saw this happening!

Really? You saw this coming?

The dealer was going to

turn out to be an avon

lady who would put a gun

to our head and threaten

to f*** us with a

strap-on phallus.

Yeah? Yeah?

That was your vision?

Yes!

I saw that, alright!

I knew that was going to

happen, but I didn't know

what the word "phallus"

meant until like...

Right now.

See?

We're not wired.

I wasn't worried

about that.

I just wanted to

see you naked.

That reminds me, i

need to buy cashews.

Hey...

Price is 200.

Dollars?

No, pesos.

This sh*t was grown in

area 51 where they keep

the aliens.

You ever heard of g-13?

No way.

No way!

Are you telling me

that's that, that's that

super-secret CIA weed?

This is g-14.

Oh, what?

Most of the CIA can't even

get their hands on this

sh*t yet.

Well how'd you get it?

F***ed a guy

who knows a guy.

That's all I'm gonna say.

Yo, those are the kind of

stories you can't make up

even if you try.

I really think she f***ed

a guy who knows a guy.

Yeah, I know.

When people

say sh*t like that,

they're telling the truth.

I think she f***ed a dude

that maybe just know a dude.

You don't have $200!

Um...

But.. $200.

T-that's a lot.

Tell you what.

You go down on me, I'll

take off 10 percent.

Ha!

That's, uh, that's funny.

That's really good.

You make me squirt,

I'll take off 20.

Squirt what?

Dude, I can't

believe we actually.

Mm. Mm.

I thought we agreed we

weren't even going to talk

about it.

Dude, are you sure

this is a shortcut?

I mean, I have not seen

any lights for a while now.

I think we should

turn around.

Here?

No, after another 30

minutes of darkness.

You said here!

-F***!

-Agh!

-This is sh*t!

-Aw, dude...

We're stuck in a hole, man.

Well I'm not

licking this one.

Twice in one day?

Euh.

Yeah, looks like we might

have to spend the night

here tonight.

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