Risky Business

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The dream is always the same.

JOEL:
Instead of going home,

I go to the neighbors'.

I ring, but nobody answers.

The door is open, so I go inside.

I'm looking around for the people,

but nobody seems to be there.

And then

I hear the shower running...

...so I go upstairs

to see what's what.

[WATER RUNNING]

JOEL:

Then I see her.

This... girl.

This incredible girl.

I mean, what she's doing there

I don't know...

...because she doesn't live there...

...but it's a dream, so I go with it.

''Who's there?'' she says.

''Joel,'' I say.

''What are you doing here?''

''I don't know what I'm doing here.

What are you doing here?''

''I'm taking a shower,'' she says.

Then I give her:

''You want me to go?''

''No,'' she says.

''I want you to wash my back.''

So now I'm getting enthusiastic

about this dream.

So I go to her, but she's hard to find

through all the steam and stuff.

I keep losing her.

Finally, I get to the door...

...and I find myself in a room

full of kids taking their College Boards.

I'm over three hours late.

I've got two minutes

to take the whole test.

I've just made a terrible mistake.

I'll never get to college.

My life is ruined.

BARRY:

All right, here's the game:

Five-card draw with a spit.

Anaconda, high-low.

Pass two to the right,

one to the left...

Deuces, aces, one-eyed faces wild.

Guts to open.

So, what happened?

Last night?

That's right, with Kessler.

She was babysitting down the street.

We know that.

JOEL:

So I went over there.

Turns out that, uh,

she was giving the kid a bath...

...and accidentally hit

the shower thing.

-Her clothes were drying upstairs.

-That could happen.

-That's possible.

BARRY:
Tell me about it, tell me about it.

So she plops down

right on the kitchen floor...

...under Mr. Coffee...

...she looks up at me and she says:

"I think I'm in the mood."

-She said that?

-Ha, ha.

-I'm telling you.

-What did you say?

I didn't have to say anything.

What did you do?

What do you think I did?

I think you got the hell out of there,

ran home and whacked off.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-Right.

-I disagree.

Did you have your bike there?

Yeah.

I think you jumped on your bike,

pedaled home and whacked off.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-That's what you guys think, right?

GLENN:
Yeah.

Ride home? With Kessler sitting there

on the floor like that, just wanting me?

Yup. Flog the bishop.

[OTHERS LAUGHING]

MILES:

No guts, Goodsen.

Yeah. Only when it came down to it,

I just wasn't attracted to her.

That should never stop you.

She seemed too big.

It could've worked out.

I figured I'd have gotten into trouble.

God. Sometimes you gotta say,

"What the f***" Make your move.

That's easy for you to say.

I mean, you're all set.

You're probably going to Harvard.

Me, I don't want to make a mistake,

jeopardize my future.

Joel, you wanna know something?

What?

Every now and then, say,

"What the f***."

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

"What the f***" gives you freedom.

Freedom brings opportunity.

Opportunity makes your future.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

GLENN:
Miles.

-Be right there.

So your folks are going out of town.

Tomorrow.

You've got the place all to yourself?

Yeah.

What the f***.

If you can't say it...

...you can't do it.

Joel, did you get your SAT scores

yesterday?

JOEL:

Yes.

Well, how did you do?

JOEL:
Five ninety-seven, Math.

Five sixty, Verbal.

If you wanted to,

could you take them over again?

JOEL:
I guess so.

-Great.

Joel, I want to show you something.

MOTHER:

Honey, did you pack my Mace?

It's in your cosmetic case.

[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC

PLAYING ON STEREO]

Joel, do you hear something odd?

Something unpleasant?

JOEL:

No.

A preponderance of bass, perhaps?

JOEL:

Uh, no.

Is this the way I left the equalizer?

JOEL:
No.

-No.

This is not some toy

for you and your friends.

If you can't use it properly,

you're not to use it at all.

My house, my rules.

FATHER:

Joel, I spoke to Bill Rutherford.

Turns out he interviews for Princeton.

JOEL:

I'll never get into Princeton.

FATHER:

I already arranged an interview.

Friday night, the 4th, at the house.

JOEL:

Oh, Jesus, Dad.

Honey, tell him about your involvement

with Future Enterprisers.

They look for that sort of thing.

Right?

There's 50 for food,

which should be more than enough...

...another 50 for emergencies,

and an extra 25 just in case.

Don't forget to water the plants

around the patio and in the dining room.

I wrote that down,

it's on the fridge door.

JOEL:
Dad, want me to start your car?

-The car will be fine.

JOEL:

For the battery, I mean.

Please, you're not to use my car.

You're not insured.

-Use the station wagon.

-Use my car, honey.

JOEL:
Okay.

-Joel?

Do we understand each other?

JOEL:

Okay!

Oh, uh...

...darling, as far as the house is

concerned, just use your best judgment.

You know we trust you.

JOEL:

Have a great time.

Be good.

We will, honey. You too. Mwah.

Bye.

[SIGHS]

[JOEL HUMMING]

[BOB SEGER'S "OLD TIME ROCK

AND ROLL" PLAYING ON STEREO]

[MOUTHING WORDS]

-Hey.

-Hey.

Guess what?

Dalby got into Harvard.

BARRY:

Sh*t.

GIRL:

He must have aced his Boards.

Seven eighty, Verbal.

Seven sixty-five, Math.

Sh*t.

GLENN:
You know what

a Harvard M.B.A. makes, first year?

Forty grand.

I've got a cousin

who went into dermatology.

First year, over 60,000.

-Just for squeezing zits?

-Ha, ha!

Why don't you try it, Barry?

You got the experience.

GIRL:
Ooh.

-Ha, ha.

Thank you, you're very kind.

JOEL:

Hey, listen to you guys.

I mean, doesn't anyone

wanna accomplish anything?

Or do we just wanna make money?

Make money.

GIRL:
Just make money.

-Yeah.

Make a lot of money.

What about you, Joel?

Serve my fellow mankind.

-Oh, please.

JOEL:
Ha-ha-ha!

GLENN:

Get out of here.

Profit motive.

[STUDENT COUGHS]

Competition.

Free enterprise.

Is there any company that doesn't have

a product in production?

JOEL [WHISPERING]: We're falling behind.

-You haven't been helping.

-You wanted to be the production exec.

-Bullshit.

Every sales manager I know

helps with production.

Yeah? Like who?

Just help me with the production.

Forget it. I'm busy enough

with marketing and sales.

How can you be busy with marketing

when I haven't given you the product?

Barry, just bring the goddamn thing

over tonight.

BARRY:
I didn't wanna do this.

I thought it'd look good on my record.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

GLENN:
Hi.

-Hi, Glenn. What's up?

Uh, I heard your parents were away.

Yeah.

I thought maybe

I could borrow a room?

Well, um, Barry is here

and we're working.

Ha. We won't bother you.

We don't have anywhere to go.

You know how it is.

Sure, go ahead. Take my room.

-Great.

-Thanks, Joel.

Ready?

The "Memo-Minder."

Okay, here's how it works.

Let's say a call comes in.

It's for your mom.

Fairly important. What do you do?

You write the message down here,

hit the switch...

...you've got the light. Okay?

Now, another call comes in, and this one

is for your dad and it's really important.

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