Rivales Page #5

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Kick it hard, into the net,

and sing goal, goal, goal!

Rivals stand aside,

this cup belongs to...

Deportivo Madrileo!

- What are we?

- A team!

- Where are we going?

- To Seville!

- To stick it up the ass of...

- The Catalonians!

We're going to Seville!

Why is Bara like a D. J?

Go on, smarty-pants.

On Saturdays all they can do

is stand there and scratch.

Give it here.

A Catalonian is rubbing

a wall with a euro.

Somebody comes by and says:

"What are you doing?"

He's says, "A penny shaved

is a penny earned".

That's a good one!

I've got another one...

Two Catalonians

are walking down the road...

Now a song for our Catalonian friend,

by Serrat.

"Beautiful Barcelona".

That beach, that sand,

and that foot on the tar,

that station, that train,

that tree-lined Rambla.

Stopping in Corpus,

Christmas streamers and fireworks.

In summer, beaches full of

half-naked foreign girls,

wearing almost nothing.

Beautiful Barcelona,

from the Rambla to Tibidabo...

Beautiful Barcelona in winter...

Get the Catalonian lady to sing!

The Catalonian!

Sing. I love Barcelona.

Don't you want to sing?

She doesn't want to sing!

But long live tomato bread!

Get the Catalonian to sing!

The Catalonian!

Come on, you cheapskate! Sing!

Catalonian...

Do you mind if I sit here?

There are free seats,

but I like travelling with company.

Especially if it's female.

I've all but stopped being female.

I'm single.

Aren't you going to ask why?

- You're a homosexual.

- No.

I don't feel like talking.

I'm exhausted.

I've been on the move since 6 am

and my feet hurt.

I was a priest.

My whole life. A Jesuit.

What are you doing here?

I'm taking my little brother's son.

He's the goalkeeper.

He has an I.Q. of 75

but he's a genius at saving goals.

Why did you leave the profession?

- Because God isn't around.

- No?

He's gone. To another solar system

or galaxy. He's not here.

who isn't there. Can you imagine?

I've never known

a woman in the biblical sense,

but that'll all be fixed today.

Does "teach them that know not"

ring a bell?

Carmen, you're the first purser

to call me back.

SARA, 25,

ONCE A HYPERACTIVE CHILD,

SARA, 25, ONCE A HYPERACTIVE CHILD,

And see? There was no problem.

SARA, 25,

ONCE A HYPERACTIVE CHILD,

I'm a lot better.

The pills are working really well.

SHE OVERCAME THIS WITH TAEKWONDO CLASSES I'm a

lot better. The pills are working really well.

I'm a lot better.

The pills are working really well.

And the therapy,

I've got a great therapist.

You know what I discovered?

It's all in my mind.

Don't you see?

I always thought men stared at me

like they wanted to eat me up,

and now I know I've created

a false image of myself,

a hypersexual superego

that doesn't exist.

That incident with the passenger

will never happen again.

He felt me up and I almost

suffocated him with a pillow.

Well now,

I wouldn't try to kill him.

I don't feel that rage

against men anymore.

They're not all potential rapists.

Take my boyfriend.

We've been dating for 3 months

and now I'm meeting his son,

so it's serious.

Well, we haven't slept together.

No?

No. It's a pure relationship

based on love and respect.

It reassures me that

not everyone is obsessed with sex.

- I'm a lot better, aren't I?

- Fabulous.

So, will you keep taking me

on your crew?

Sara, I'd take you anywhere.

Here, this is for you.

It's Mace.

That's it, from now on

I'm Sara-who-still-trusts-people.

XAVIER ROVIRA, 38.

HEIR TO MASA ROVIRA CAVAS

AND A WIDOWER:

HE HAS PANIC ATTACKS

AND NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS.

- Darling.

- My love.

How was your flight?

The usual. Smooth as silk.

How about you?

Good.

Oriol, come and say hello!

Sorry, he still has trouble

facing the world.

I'm a bit nervous too.

We may be taking a big step.

I know.

I feel love, Sara.

Inside. It's very strong.

Darling!

- Nothing will ruin this. Say it.

- Nothing.

Ignore him, he wants to be

the new Amenabar.

KILLING THE SON:

- Do you like your job?

- Yes, a lot.

My dad says a stewardess

is a waitress in a plane.

Who me? No!

You also said it was a job

for the uneducated.

No, I said the opposite.

You have to learn languages,

pass a test...

What if a plane crashes into

a sea full of sharks?

Do you have to let them

eat you before the passengers?

Oriol, be quiet,

you're hyperventilating.

Have you ever been in

a terrorist attack?

Stop taping, you'll get carsick.

If she's to be my stepmother,

I have to get to know her!

Stepmother isn't a nice word.

- Aren't you?

- It's a bit too soon.

- I thought it was serious.

- We are serious.

- What about you?

- Me too.

- Do you like Mexican food?

- Yes, I love it.

We had a Mexican breakfast

at the hotel.

How was it?

What are you doing, son?

Oh, do me a favour!

What are you doing?

It's a bloody mess.

I told him...

This is terrible, I'm sorry.

It's alright. I'm okay.

I told you not to put

so much chilli on it!

- Will you get me that top?

- Of course.

- What?

- Nothing.

Then give it to me.

What!

Don't they hurt?

What a pig.

White rice for the lad, right?

An entrecote here,

and another not so well-done.

- Thanks a lot.

- Anything else?

No, it's fine, thanks.

- I want an entrecote.

- Not on an upset stomach.

- This is disgusting.

- You haven't tried it.

- I can smell it.

- Let's see... It's fine.

- I'm going to vomit again.

- Then don't eat it.

I didn't do it on purpose,

it was an accident.

Suit yourself.

- I'll have the rice.

- Why?

There's too much tension.

We're like three balloons

about to explode.

Let's let out some air. Alright?

Shall we take three deep breaths?

Come on...

Stop groping me

you f***ing midget!

Sorry. It was me.

I'm going to throw up.

God! I'm so embarrassed.

No, Sara, it's my fault.

No, it's me.

I imagine things.

I'm crazy, I think men

are ogling me and want to...

I must explain.

You don't need to. I know.

Sara, I really want to be with you.

Me too.

But I want it to be perfect,

I don't want to blow it.

I don't know how to tell you...

Maybe I shouldn't,

I'm embarrassed.

Alright then.

I saw an astrologist.

What for?

To find out the best

Virgo-Pisces conjunction.

It's today.

Good. Soft on the accelerator.

Control it.

That's it. Come on.

Very good, Oriol.

Oriol! What are you doing?

Relax, he's doing fine.

Tell him to let go of the wheel!

- Can I take it to 60?

- Yes, but don't rush it.

- Are you two crazy?

- It's a service road. We're safe.

Tell him to pull over now!

- Tell her to shut up.

- Please!

Sara, we're overcoming a trauma.

- Stop or I'm jumping out!

- She hasn't got the balls.

Oh, no?

- Okay, listen to her.

- To her?

- Stop the car.

- I don't want to.

Sara! Don't scream!

I'm sorry,

but we're f***ed now.

It's her fault.

You can't just do what you like!

Now she's acting like a stepmother.

- You spoilt brat!

- Neurotic!

- Freak!

- Will you two calm down?

Sh*t, they're coming.

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