Road to Zanzibar Page #2

Boy, you're slipping.

You're really slipping.

I'm trying to make a big fellow outta

you. They'll write books about you.

I know three words that won't

be in them:
"ripe old age. "

It's a cinch. We'll train him. Train him?

I'd look fine swimming with a chair

and a whip. You can't train an octopus.

They only know one thing. Grab you

quick and suck the blood out of you.

How would I look

with no blood?

Just the same.

Why not train him to knit? Knit?

He could work on four

sweaters at the same time.

I'm ashamed of you, afraid of

a poor little thing like this.

The man I bought him off of

raised him from a polliwog.

Look, I'll show you

how gentle he is.

Come on, boy.

Come on.

Come on here.

Just for that you go back to the

fish store. How do you like that?

Go ahead.

Write a letter.

Now, listen, Fearless, I've

given it a lot of thought.

We get a boa constrictor.

We stun him.

You go in there with a lasso and hogtie

him. I'll tell him when he comes in.

We've been kicking around the world for

five years two jumps ahead of trouble.

I'm homesick! I wanna get back to

Birch Falls and my relief checks.

You'll wind up in Barney Dean's

Beanery blowing up bloodwurst.

If we're gonna go home,

let's go home loaded.

They'll have a band meet us. And

they'll be playing an awful slow tune.

What's this?

Hey, what do you think we are, a couple

of round haircuts? We ordered beer.

Compliments of Mr. Kimble. Who's that?

Mr. Kimble, Kimble Diamond

Mines. That's him in the box.

Cheerio!

Hurray!

Good health.

You know the big yacht in

the harbor? That's his.

That's ours?

Mm-hmm.

It's on the cuff.

Pour, brother, pour.

Ha-ha-ha. Charles, must you

send champagne to strangers?

They're not strangers.

They're Americans.

They look like nice fellows.

I bet they'd be fun to know.

Say, you know,

it's not bad stuff.

Piper Heidsieck '28. Yeah,

but pipe her "heidsieck. "

Si vous voulez voir

la ville avec moi

Un taxi nous attendra

Oh, no, now, Junior.

Here, here.

Let's get in the mood. It's

a little rich for your blood.

You might break out in a

rash. That's what I want,

one of the larger rashes

if you don't mind.

Ah-ah-ah. Ahh.

That happy juice.

Daddy, the bubbles make my

nose tickle. Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Was that at this table? Go ahead, drink up.

Please, Mr. Inspector,

we do not want the police here.

We are running a first-class

place. Don't be disturbed.

It's a matter south of here.

I'm looking for two Americans.

Hey.

They burned down a carnival.

In fact, they nearly

burned down the town.

A votre sant, monsieur.

A votre sant? Oui, oui.

Ahh ahh

de avec fromage

A-zing-zing-zing

A-zing-zing-zing

Ha-ha-ha!

All right, that's enough.

Wait. We work here.

I am sorry. My partner,

she and me, we "worka" here.

Your pardon.

He not speak good English.

I only been in this

country short time. Oui.

We are performers in the show.

Artists. Tou jours I'amour.

Will you pardon? We blow. Danke schoen.

We must perform now. Eau de cologne.

Bon voyage. Je t'adore. Je t'adore.

Whoo!

It's them all right. Of course, it is.

Let 'em go.

They can't get out.

Hey, hey, look out.

The house is sold out.

No autographs.

Tough audience.

Yeah.

We gotta get out of here. What

are we gonna do? I don't know.

I got an idea. Mesdames and

messieurs, my partner and I...

Attention, please.

Attention, please.

Attention, ha-ha.

Attention.

My partner and I will

give our impression...

of two orchestra leaders

meeting on "ze" boulevard.

Two orchestra leaders

meeting on ze boulevard.

Leopoldo!

Arturo!

How do you do? How are things with you?

Well, Leopoldo,

you know how it is in

the concert business.

People are not going to concerts

like they did in the old days.

But I think

it will pick up.

I got some wonderful horns

with the big fat tone.

They play mellow.

And my violas, Leopoldo.

I tell you every viola

player is an "arteest. "

When I think about violas, I

get so excited I can hardly talk.

And tell me, Leopoldo,

how are things with you?

I have a

pretty good band.

I have the finest aggregation

on the continent.

I tell you I have the greatest

oboe players. And I have cellos...

Did you say cellos?

I said I have cellos.

I pay my "celloists"

much more than you do.

Arturo! I've got

the greatest cellos!

All right, that's it.

What are you

arresting them for?

They burned down a carnival.

I'll pay for the carnival.

My name's Kimble. I don't

care what your name is.

Pretty tasty, aren't they? This is it.

Wonderful guy,

that Kimble.

He got us out of

a ticklish situation.

If it wasn't for him, we'd still

be in the brig. What a tired brig.

Now we can pack and get back

to Birch Falls, huh? No hurry!

Listen, I'll go over

to the hotel and pack.

We'll go to Birch Falls.

But relax a while.

Go get the tickets.

I'll pack.

Let's forget the whole

thing. You know what?

What is it? We ought to catch Johannesburg.

Let's get killed, huh?

Great town, Johannesburg.

Remember how we go down

there? Oh, wonderful.

I've got the greatest idea

I've ever had. I know you have.

We get a lead coffin.

Put you in the coffin.

Seal it up tight and

throw it in the lake.

Seal it with me inside?

Don't want no water in there.

How do I get out? I

haven't worked that out.

If you don't want to go home,

I'll go alone.

How much do I owe?

Four kolaks.

For what? That shredded wheat?

This is not shredded wheat.

It's malo-palo.

Malo-palo? What's that?

Malo-palo is

candied grasshoppers.

Wait. Did I hear right? What

did you say? Grasshoppers.

I'll get the tickets.

I'll hop over to the hotel.

There we are, boys.

Now for a snappy landing.

Keep her Moored here.

I'll be back in 15 minutes.

Hello, Chuck.

Well, Mr. Kimble, hi.

How's me old Chuck?

Very fit, very fit.

I don't think I've ever had

a better time than last night.

We really broke it up,

didn't we?

Stick with us. Compound

fractures, anything for a laugh.

Thank you for getting

us out of the brig.

I'd hate to think of a couple

of cheery blokes like you...

disintegrating

in a dark, damp dungeon.

Not a very happy

forwarding address.

What are you doing now?

I'm going to get tickets.

We're going back to the

States. That spoils everything.

I like you two and

I want to do something for you.

What about coming to my yacht and

having a drink? I want to talk to you...

about something you two

will be interested in. Yeah?

I want to get my tickets.

I'll look after that for you.

There's no place

like home

Well, Fearless,

wait'll you hear what I got.

Outside rooms on "A" deck? No, no.

That costs dough.

You remember Kimble?

Yeah, but let's have the

tickets. I ran into him.

That's the main issue. You're

gonna kiss me when you hear this.

Hear what? I got to thinking we

should be in some legitimate business.

Something sound, conservative.

I was telling Kimble.

He agreed with me and

let us in on a little thing.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes