Robin Williams: Live on Broadway

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams

Thank you!

Peace!

Are you safe up there?

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes, my little seaman head friend!

OK. Good night! Thank you very much!

Thank you for the standing ovations! We had the orgasm up

front.

Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.

We are here in New York, f***ing New York!

Yes!

Obviously this is not gonna be a normal night of theater!

This will be Shakespeare with a strap on!

So that's the way you like it!

Welcome to my beautiful set from the musical "Fantastic

Voyage"!

Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees!

I'm over here!

I'm down here!

This is brought to you by HBO, a subsidiary of Time Warner,

also owned by America On Line..

You've got mail. I hope you don't have stocks!

Welcome!

Don't be afraid!

It was very reassuring the other day...

George W. Bush talked to the stock market and...

Him talking about business ethics

it's like having a leopard giving you a facial.

It doesn't really work !

"A lot of our imports come from other countries".

No sh*t, Jason?!

Moving right along...

Meanwhile, Michael is protesting...

I don't know, baby...

It was strange enough when Michael was the best man at Lisa's

wedding.

That for me was like you're pushing the term, my man!

That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting?

- What are you doing? - I'm the best man!

Now Michael is claming racism.

Honey, you gotta pick a race first.

What are you claiming there? Mistreatment of elves?

Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for?

You were Diana Ross. Now you just left it all behind.

Michael, you're not a freak. You're just surgically enhanced...

and you spend more money than the Vatican.

If you go to Neverland, it says:

"You must be this high to ride Michael"

Obviously, the lawyers at HBO are going, "F***!"

How f***ed up would you have to be

for Al Sharpton to go, 'I'm outta here, man!'

If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,

even rats are going, 'Man, that guy's quick!'

From the Don King School of hair processing...

He's riding for office in Idaho on the

"What a f***ing, wild, crazy chance in hell you'll be elected"

ticket.

Sorry, my lips just went...

Probably dyslexic people went: "Thank you, Habib!"

Thank you!

We were worried about the pledge of the legions.

We're gonna say:
"One nation under dog!"

It's OK.

And now people are going: "I've got a cure for this!"

One nation under Canada, above Mexico.

But then you have to the whole...

Anthems like:
"Someone bless America!"

On a dollar bill, instead of "In God We Trust",

"In Gates We Trust"!

Mr Gates, when did you realize you're creating monopoly!

Monopoly is just a game, senator.

I'm trying to control the f***ing world.

Have you seen Windows Millenium?

Right now it's Information Technology.

Soon it will be Total Information Technology. TIT.

And when you're sucking on the tit, I have you by the

motherboard.

Don't be afraid!

It's a nice day in New York, my people.

NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go!

Stop! OK, go on again!

You there! Get the f*** outta here!

I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went

like you're OK.

People like to great new Yorkers: "Have a nice day, a**hole!"

F*** you, my friend! Enjoy your day!

But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in NY is

that the ladies take the twins for a walk!

Oh, yeah, the titties are out today!

On a hot day all the titties are out there. And God made them

go like...

Beautiful titties, all shapes, sizes and women running they

are going...

And then they hit a breeze and chicken's done!

Yeah, baby!

These are not like the titts in Vegas,

where even God goes: "I didn't make those!"

Fake titts are like nazis.

They don't laugh, they don't dance, they're just...

I'm walking here!

I've seen a woman turn and the titts stayed there.

It's like they don't have any teeth because they knock them

out.

I've seen titts that are really bad

with the nipples on the top. They look like Culroy.

When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery

like...

I'm so scared, but I can't express it.

These ladies had so much surgery are going:

"What are these lumps under my eyes?"

Those are your titts, madam!

- And what's this? - Don't ask, Mrs. Trotki!

This is good news for you.

And girls getting buttocks injections...?

- Look, I don't have any wrinkles. - You also have no

expression.

You look like you've had a slight coma, but you're beautiful.

One guy say to you: "Baby, I want you to get your titts done

for me!"

Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man.

And you say:
"OK, daddy man!"

Than I want you to get your balls done for me, OK ?

I want you to get those big old basket balls.

So when you do the baywatch thingy, it's like...

Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on

her bunny.

You go to the doctor...

Girls...

Payback's a b*tch ! Go for it, girls !

'Cause you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so

bizzare.

Temperatures were like . It was f***ing weird!

The weathermen are going:

"I don't f***ing know what's going on!"

Let's just see what happens.

Flowers were like Anne Heche going: "I'm out, I'm in, I'm

out..."

I don't know when to go.

George came back from Japan and went: "I went to the Coyote

Conference"

- No, it's Kyoto. - That's a very good car.

George, walk away.

They say there's no global warming.

But right now the North Pole is a pool.

It is beyond global warming. At this point is cooking.

At in the middle of the country: "Is it hot enough for

you?"

No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like

Niagra.

I like my old man's titties to lactate, my man.

You see people in shorts and you're going: "Please, don't

wear those!"

Please, don't put those on!

If you go to South West Airline:

"You're not fat, you're horizontally challenged"

Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats.

The problem is that they are not together.

And you have to put your titts in the overhead rack.

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