Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #2

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People don't mind now. We're working our way through.

All over the country we've got weird things.

In Houston they got Enron field.

We're gonna call it th Amendment for you.

We can't call it: "We're f***ed for you!"

Arthur Anderson put in the chairs that spin both ways.

And now Martha Stuart may become somebody's b*tch.

No!

Say it ain't so!

I like to consider it more like "severed companion".

If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private

space,"

use the light well. You have vertical bars, don't use

horizontal blinds.

Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory.

The first time she has lunch going: "You call this keesh?"

Shut up, b*tch! You're inside now, you're mine!

All over things have been going good. I've been to Memphis,

to Graceland.

I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license.

They're some severe...

They're colors there that have never seen daylight.

I've been to Nashville, I've heard people sing songs like:

"Take your finger outta my ass, 'cause I'm leaving you

behind!"

Weird sh*t people do now. I'm sweatin' like crazy up here.

It's HBO, 'cause it's live.

People playing baseball. You've got a good seat.

Yankees are kicking the game, way to go!

They did a good job. They came through.

Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on

steroids.

Here's one quick way you tell:

on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows.

So if someone steps up to the plate

with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out!

Poor Barry Bonds! They won't pitch to him

and when they do it, they're trying to kill him.

He's like Yasser Arafat of baseball.

For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan.

It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that.

Jews will get Hanukah and Passover,

Christians will get Christmas and Easter

and Muslims will have Ramadan and the other holiday, Kaboom.

Obviously, the people of HBO are going "Oh, f*** off.

What are you doing, you a**hole."

I'm very excited because this is my time

when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man.

I saw world cup, baby.

There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going:

"Uh, that's like football without pads, right?"

For the rest of the world, it's football.

For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people."

We made it in the World Cup. Everyone plays it.

Not like the World Series, 'cause the French don't have a

baseball team.

If they did, they would only have left field and no one would

be safe.

You know what I'm saying?

What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore.

The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look

out!

We are French. F*** you, Americans, I don't care!

My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du

France.

And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals."

"It's chemotherapy, you little toad suckers."

Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic.

Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker.

Do it. Don't be afraid."

When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it.

We made it to the sixteenth, baby!

We're no longer in the "Special Olympics" category.

They used to see us coming: "Give it to them, they're damaged

people"!

Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I kick the ball!

Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like...

And the fans...

Brazilians are going: "Look, I'm playing soccer...

Look, I'm scoring!

And now I'm kicking the ball."

Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive

aggressive though.

I didn't do anything... What are you looking at?

It's not like hockey, when someone comes up with a stick and

goes:

"Bang, mother f***er!"

That's why there are no Spanish hockey players.

When a white guy takes a stick and goes...

"Motherf***er, I'm going to cut you off now!"

And you, Freddie Krugger b*tch, take off the mask, mother

f***er!

Coming in there! Katami!

Sometimes guys do this weird thing... They fall down and

pretend like...

I've been killed... I've been blinded...

There's nobody near me, huh? OK, I'm kidding!

And the referee comes over: "Yellow card!"

Two yellow cards. "Red card!"

Three cards. "Green card!"

And the referee is so sweet, too.

"What's your name? Turn around.

Why didn't you call me after the Mexico game ?

Not like football referees: "Too much commercial time"

Mad white man dancing on the field.

Moving away. Moving away.

In the World Cup they always claim there's bad refereeing,

someone may have been paid off.

Oh, sh*t, say it ain't so!

You're telling me that the Oscars are also political? F***

off!

There's a game mafia!

The mob's hand!

Fairy Godfather:
"Does this pistol make my ass look big?"

If you go to LA, there's a great greeting these people do:

"Love ya!"

"Love you!" "Hey, love you!"

The worst referee was in Winter Olympics with a French judge.

Once again, the French f***ed with us!

The Canadians skate perfectly. "We did it perfect, huh!"

And then the Russians they come and f*** up

and the French judge: "They f***ed up, I give it to them"

At that point I'm going: "Where's Tonya Harding when you need

her?"

Tonya would've been on that judge like sh*t on Velcro.

"Give me that medal, you French whore!"

"I won!"

Now we get to see Tanya Harding fight Paula Jones

in an all white trash weekend.

Trailer park Tuesday!

Tonya went right for the nose: "Not the nose. That's the

Clinton money!"

Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco fighting John Wayne Bobbit.

There will be no hitting bellow the belt there, my friend.

F***, man, give it back! My balls are in the front row.

What's next? The Nixon's daughters belt for the library

money.

Be there as my b*tches go at it.

At this point, even Caligula is going:

"What the f*** are you people doing?"

Why don't you have Hannibal Lector and Iron Sheff

just kick out the jams?

'Cause you got the chamber, the chair, fear factor.

People in Texas are going "We got those shows.

We just don't film them."

Two weeks ago, Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded

people.

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