Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #3

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People in Texas are going, "Sh*t, where's the fun in that?"

'Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week.

It was like, "Go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy."

And I know the definition of "retarded" in Texas is pretty

wide.

It's crazy!

Even a Taliban is going: "You are crazy mother f***ers!"

There was a guy with one leg. They wouldn't gonna give him a

wooden leg.

He's gonna be dead man hopping.

There's a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection,

they do an alcohol swab. Which is so nice!

What the f*** are you doing?

We don't want you to get that last second infection!

It's all safe now.

You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah.

Great place!

What, was Amish country booked, what happened?

Common down to Salt Lake! We're gonna party like it's .

Bring your wives. Oops! Come on down!

At the closing ceremony they introduced

Donnie and Marie, as the first couple of Utah.

I went:
"Aha, honey, no! They're only a couple in Arkansas.

If you're going to Georgia, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke

up.

Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him.

About the Olympics once again,

we're talking about the figure skating.

I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy.

Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That's not good.

That's that pair figure skating. There's one very special

lift.

Where the male skater goes...

Right here!

Where even a gynecologist would go: "Put on a glove, man!"

Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

And I'm going:
"Let's cut the foreplay,

let's have ice f***ing, come on!"

Nipples aroused...

And she holds on without her hands!

Even the French judge would go: "I like it!"

"I don't care. I'm giving them the medal. F*** the

Canadians!"

"So fabulous!"

There's other kinda sexual thing in the Olympics: the louge,

about which I have only one question:

what drunken, German gynecologist invented this sport?

What guy went, "I want to dress like a sperm,

shove an ice skate in my ass,

and go balls first down an ice chute.

Ya. That would be fun."

No! This is for pussies!

- How will you stir? - I will do Kegels!

I will flex my ass and go down the aisle.

And do not talk to me about two men louge.

I'm saying "Boys, get a room!"

Make that turn, you bastard, make it.

Hard right, you f***er, hard right!

Pour guy gets to the end of the run: "I got wood, man, I'm

sorry!"

You cost us the race!

Your penis going brr was of a second winds resistance!

We could've won if you weren't going brrring!

Dolphin boy!

There's always some horrible drug scandal.

This year was a Spanish cross-country skilor...

Skilor, which is like a skier.

- Are you a skilor? - Yes!

They accused him of taking some performance enhancing drug.

Like an elephant growth hormone.

Are you on some sort of drug?

Are you taking an animal tranquilizer?

And they didn't bother drug-testing the snowboarders.

Go, go my little boys, have fun!

I guess they realized the word "half pipe" meant something.

Remember the kid who won the gold medal?

He was in freestyle.

- You wanna be on a box of Whities? - No. Count Dracula.

Aha, a clue, Scherlock!

The poor Canadian snowboarder, in Olympics,

they took away his medal because he tested positive for

marijuana,

which is kinda redundant number one.

Number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-

enhancing drug".

Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations,

but you are certainly not f***ing empowered.

When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own

goddamn feet.

The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is

if there's a big f***ing Hershey bar at the end of the run.

Then you'll be like...

Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"

Pour Canadian snowboarder. They asked for his medal back

and he couldn't find it. It was around his f***ing neck!

Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard, eh.

They have weird sports like the Biathalon

which is like Norwegian Drive-By.

Get the TV, Hans!

The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey.

God bless you Canadian people.

You're so f***ing nice eh.

It's your only f***ing sport, come on!

That and a mutant form of football.

"We've got men, we have a longer field"

You have fun, enjoy!

Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party.

Keep it down, eh!

We are nice. We have Jean Chrétien, our great prime minister.

He was the only man in the world: "I don't need no secret

service"

"If a guy comes to hit me, I f***ing knock him out eh."

"I'm Jean Chrétien. First was your president, who's a

cretin".

Quebec is going to break away from Canada, but still keep the

currency.

It's like a kid moving out of the house,

"but I still would like to get money". F*** off you!

Canadian money is also called "the Looney".

How can you take an economic crisis seriously?

- The Looney is down! - Oh, how sad for you!

What are you saying, eh?

Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was

so tight.

Security was amazing at the Olympics.

You chose the whitest f***ing State in the Union!

An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would

notice!

- I found one! - It's just Ted. Everybody out!

The problem was that there was basically white powder

everywhere.

All the dogs looking for Anthrax were going:

"You go, man, you go!"

Pour dogs they looked for Anthrax and cocaine.

In the cage at the end of the day they're going:

"I can't taste my ass, I don't know why?"

"It's my tail!"

Meanwhile your cat sits over there going:

"You're still an a**hole, you know that".

Is it me, or are cat's drag queens?

The way they kinda go: 'Who loves Kitty?'

"Are these your shoes?"

Who loves Kitty? Who loves Kitty?

Male cats have an amazing thing,

kinda walk around going: "That's mine!"

"Mine!"

"I like that too."

Thank God men aren't like that!

"Nice car, Bob. Mine now!"

- What are you doing? - Just shopping!

The whole Anthrax thing had people going...

They said:
"Don't open your mail!"

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