Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #4

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- Why? - There's white powder in envelopes.

Really?!

Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes.

We weren't on-line. We did lines, my friend.

And there were ninjas on the f***ing line, trying to kill us.

And now, there are people trying to kill us.

And that's why I bought a gas mask.

I can't even get a condom on when I want to!

"Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on."

"I'll be right with you, honey."

"Don't go away on me now."

You're playing "Beat the cock".

"I got it, I got it!"

There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit...

"I don't think we're going in today, Pete.

We didn't make the deadline."

Remember when they sent Anthrax to Tom Daschle's office?

And they cleared that f***ing place out.

Everybody out, come on! Helmets, suits, they're all leaving.

And when the Congressman walked out they go:

"But the rest of you, go about your lives."

"Everything is perfectly OK."

"We'll be miles away."

It's like when you go to the dentist and he puts a sh*t over

your balls.

He walks behind concrete, going: "You'll be fine!"

How can you tell if Congress was sick?

It's night of the living dead anyway.

All those old senators going:

"The confederate flag is just the symbol of states' rights."

Yeah, and the swastika is just a good luck charm.

When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt?

He's huge!

You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's day float, come on!

Bring him down. We're voting!

Step away, boy. I said "no" to the Crispy Cream.

Congress recently approved the covert plan

to assassinate Saddam Hussein.

So what they've done, is PUBLICLY approve

the secret plan to assassinate Hussein.

I wonder if he knows?

I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is.

And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that.

He is the only man on the planet

who can go:
"Anthrax? All right..."

Doesn't go with my E. cola, but f***...!

Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look f***ing

Amish.

I've seen him going to a drug dealer who said: "I'm out,

man!"

"I have nothing left."

Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood.

Not like one pike, but like a f***ing Chevrolette, all of it.

I just wanna know who gets his blood?

Some old Swiss man going:

"You've gotta go on tour, b*tch!"

"We gotta pay for mixed babies."

We may all be dead and gone,

Keith will still be there with five cockroaches.

He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that?

F***ing crazy..."

Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes,

"I don't know where. I don't know when.

But something awful's going to happen.

Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions."

Excuse me, can you give me a clue?

What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now?

Are you working with Miss Cleo?

I don't know where, I don't know when,

but sometin' awful's gonna happen!

And definitely don't marry that fat man.

He only wants you for your money, girl!

People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I went: "F***ing da!"

What do you want? A blind tarot card before you go, "Ah ha!"

If she's a psychic, why does she need a f***in' phone number?

Number two, that fake Jamaican accent?

If she was a real psychic,

she'd be one of those Louisiana psychics, like, "You gonna

die!"

They have to puck your ass up

and have a place for your bike, come on now!

It's like buying hair care products from Cher.

She's wearing a wig, you idiot!

Take that abdominal thing helping you lose weight

while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV.

I'm getting six-pack-abs by knocking my testicles around!

You strap that to your head.

And say, "I will not buy stupid sh*t for no reason!"

Now we are in troubled times.

When it happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would

change.

Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor,"

it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece

of me."

There was hardcore security. In NY stopping people in the

tunnel..

In Washington they had F- s flying, air cover everywhere.

In San Francisco, not so hardcore security.

At Golden Gate Bridge there's a Hummer and I'm talking about

the car.

One Hummer here, two Guardsmen, same at the other end of the

bridge.

The problem is that the Hummer and the Guardsmen

are in jungle camouflage.

For those who never been to SF, the bridge is bright orange.

So I feel like going: "Be vely, vely quiet.

We're wooking for tewwowists."

Airport security, before all this happened it was:

"Beep, OK, get on the plane, come on."

"What's that? Oh, that's a gun. OK, get on the plane."

You could carry a four inch blade, that's about that long.

Now, you can't even take a nail-clipper on a plane.

What, are they afraid you're gonna go "All right!

Give me the plane or the b*tch loses a cuticle.

I have a nail file. I can be irritating."

And if you have a steak or a piece of meat, they won't give

you a knife.

It's like the quest for fire flight.

"Sir, you're making a lot of noise."

The Hindu man in the back is going: "Hold the bowl higher".

"Don't be afraid to beg, use your hands."

Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal

detector

and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends:

"Take out your keys, sir."

"Tip of the iceberg."

For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince

Albert.

I'm sure that was his last wish.

I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying.

I want you to name a museum, a performance hall

and a bolt through the cock after me."

"That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling."

"Say a little song to people that have little anal floss."

And I'm talking heavily pierced.

Not like Britney Spears: "I'm a virgin!"

Yeah and Michael Jackson is the father. Move on!

I'm talking like a hoop through your nipple.

You know, lady.. I'm guessing!

Just the kind when your clothes are going...

When you have a big hoop, what you're gonna do? Tie up a

pony? No!

Or you have two. He's and hers towels, whatever you want!

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