Robin Williams: Live on Broadway Page #5

---

A towel down here, so you can wash up. Fun!

It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her

tongue.

Why did you do that?

To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon.

"Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy

like the feel of cold steel on his hot rock."

"But the problem is I ended up knocking out all my teeth

and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba."

That's the trade-off, my darling.

You get a tattoo with a barb wire at

and by the time you're it's f***ing picket fence.

And Madonna turns into Mother Hamilton.

"I'm dying, melting."

Here's what you wanna do.

When I was growing up I didn't have Playboy or Penthouse. Sad

for me!

But I had National Geographic

and the girls that got me crazy...

You know the ones with the slinky neck going...

Do that, drive your parents crazy going down the stairs...

Or do the full ubangy go:

"Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player".

And you can take out the plate and jump with your lower lip.

Have fun!

Watch grandma go: "Sh*t!"

Union guys going: "Don't touch it, Mr Williams!"

This sh*t is gonna be more precious than oil.

Ten years from now, it's already started to happen. People

going:

"I got water.

And if you want it cold, I got ice, mother f***er."

Going on the planes now, a sweet little Southern stewardess

going:

"Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five,

we're just gonna do a few random bag checks."

"These are totally random."

"I'm just gonna read of a few names:"

"Has'N'T'Been' Seen,

Akeem Been'Laid,

Have'N'T'Been F***ed,

Judy Smith?

arabs and a blonde?

And every black and Hispanic man in the room is going: "Thank

you, God!"

"Oh, yes, we're off the list, mother f***er, yeah!"

"They're gonna be f***ing with you now, Habib."

"You better learn to go orderly."

They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old lady,

'Why, cause I'm gonna knit an Afghan?' Give 'em to me!

And they're patting a five year old boy down, and he's going,

'What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me!'

I see! You've had a problem too, I guess.

Father pats little boys down, like,

'Good game, boy, good game! Wash up, really wash up!'

They caught them, but they had a divine witness protection

program.

Find the priest, here's the pity fall,

here's the priest, find the pity fall.

Don't you ask, don't you tell, You might end up right in

Hell.

Here's your check, direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new

home.

Isn't that amazing ? The Pope...

Applause break number two.

It was amazing when the Pope gathered the cardinals in Rome

and went...

The only problem is that he's dressed like Liberace stunt

double.

I have a solution, though !

For problem priests, a little shock collar, going near a kid

it's like:

'You know, Timmy...

Tommy, I think... !

Or the automated confessional, could be fun.

'If this is a venal sin, press one.

If this is a carnal sin, press two.

If this is cardinal law, please stay on the line.'

Cause you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a

felony!

So we have to keep track!

Right now they're up there watching. "Hi, Mr Edgecroft."

We're now under the offices of Homeland Security.

Tom Ridge ever so often goes: "Today is a blue day." "No,

orange" "Red".

They had to be very careful picking that name: "Homeland

Security".

They couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans

are going:

"That's a good one!"

But Homeland sounds like Homefront Security,

which was England during WWII.

Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags, defending

England!

There they were, Rudolph has personally:

"I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite

and said 'Get off of that f***er, you f***er, get out'"

And I also find out now, that Winston Churchill,

one of the greatest orators of all time,

may have been so f***ed up on cognac and champagne,

that he didn't do some of his great speeches.

They were done by a man from the BBC, who also did "Winnie

the Pooh".

will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land!

Eeyore and Tigger!'

And, he was fighting against Hitler!

A man who a book recently declared was a homosexual,

and I always thought this was a clue!

That and the leather and the dancing!

We are now finding ourselves once again drown to England

during these troubled times.

Tony Blair, a militant liberal.

Here, George W Bush, compassionate conservative.

This sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack, but...

Here, Tony Blair, a man who addressed the House of Common,

which is like Congress, with a two drink minimum, crazy

place!

- I believe my worthy opponent... - F*** off!

I'll bullet you, bastard. F*** you!

Would someone remove Ms Tatcher from the chamber?

Tony said:
"This heinous incident has brought us

to the edge of oblivion..."

"But our civilization shall endure!"

And there's poor W going: "Sh*t, I can't even spell that."

'Cause you look at Bush and you realize it's Bush . .

It's a piner release. It came with certain bugs in the

software.

"This country will not be taken hostile,

oops, delete, delete, hostage."

And you look at him and realize he has a short attention

span.

"Our economy is going... oh, look at the kitty".

He kinda reminds me of a guy in college with a towel going...

gotcha!

You just don't want him to drive.

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness,

some get it as a graduation gift. It's OK!

Historically...

You must look at it from a historical perspective.

He's George the second. The boy-king.

A man we thought could only loose, but somehow won,

because of confused Hebrews. Yes!

W doesn't speak while Channey's drinking water. Check it out!

When everything went down,

they put W out there, but they protected Channey.

Channey had an angioplasty. Most people wait till it heals.

He was like:
"I'm perfectly fine!"

"I'm OK!"

And there's Ashcroft in the back: "Work your arms, you

a**hole!"

You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man

who lost to a dead man in Missouri.

Choices in Missouri were: John Ashcroft - Dead Man.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes