Robin Williams - Live on Broadway

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Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Robin Williams!

Thank you!

Oh, please!

Sit the f*** down!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes, my little

semain headed friend!

That's it! Good night!

Thank you very much!

Thank you for the standing ovation,

you made the orgasm up front.

Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.

We're here in New York,

f***ing New York!

Yes!

Obviously this is not gonna

be your normal night of theater!

This will be Shakespeare

with a strap-on!

So that's the way you like it!

Welcome to my lovely set which is

from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"!

Or maybe the last thing

a clitoris sees!

I'm over here!

I'm down here!

This is brought to you by HBO,

which is subsidiary of Time Warner,

also owned by

America On Line...

"You've got mail".

I hope you don't have stocks!

Welcome!

Don't be afraid!

It was so reassuring

the other day...

George W. Bush talked

to the stock market and...

It must be him

talking about business ethics

it's kinda like having

a leopard give you a facial.

It doesn't really work!

"A lot of our imports

come from other countries".

No sh*t?!

Moving right along...

Meanwhile,

Michael is protesting...

I don't know, baby...

It was strange enought when Michael

was the best man at Lisa's wedding.

That for me was like,

"You're pushing the term, my man"!

That was a pretty short list.

Was Richard Simmons hunting?

- "What are you doing"?

- "I'm the best man"!

Now Michael is claming rasism.

I'm going,

"Honey, you gotta pick a race first".

"What are you claiming,

mistreatment of elves"?

"Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too.

What are you going for"?

"You were Diana Ross.

Now you've just left it all behind".

Michael, you're not a freak.

You're just surgically enhanced...

And you spend more money

than the Vatican.

If you go to Neverland, it says

"You must be this

high to ride Michael".

Obviously, people and the lawyers

for HBO are going, "F***"!

But how f***ed up

do you have to be

for Al Sharpton to go,

"I'm outta here, man"!

If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,

even rats are going,

"Man, that guy's quick"!

"From the Don King School

of hair processing..."

He's running for

office in Idaho on the

"What a f***ing, wild, crazy chance

in hell you'll be elected" ticket.

Sorry, my lips just went,

"What the f*** did you say"?

Couple of dyslexic people went,

"Thank you, Robin"!

"Thank you"!

We were worried about

the pledge of allegiance.

We were gonna say

"One nation under dog"!

It's OK.

I know people are going

"I've got a cure for this"!

"One nation under Canada,

above Mexico".

But then you have to the whole...

There's anthems like

"Someone bless America"!

On the dollar bill, instead

of "In God We Trust",

"In Gates We Trust"!

"Mr. Gates, when did you realize

you are creating monopoly"?

"Monopoly is just a game, senator".

"I'm trying to control

the f***ing world".

Don't you see Windows Millenium?

It's all leading to

Information Technology.

Soon it will be Total

Information Technology, "TIT".

And when you're sucking on the tit,

I have you by the motherboard.

Don't be afraid!

It's a nice day

in New York, my people.

NY police have a catch and

release program. Way to go!

Stop! OK, go on again!

You're it!

Get the f*** outta here!

I like NY on a day like today. For a

while everything went like "are you OK"?.

People're back to being newyorkers

like "Have a nice day, a**hole"!

"F*** you, my friend!

Enjoy your day"!

But the most beautiful thing about

a day like today in this NY is

that the ladies

take the twins for a walk!

Oh, yeah, the tities are out today!

On a hot day all the tities are out

there. And like God made them go...

Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes

and women running, they are going...

And then they hit a

breeze and "chicken's done"!

Yes!

Yeah, baby!

These are not like

the tits in Vegas,

where even God goes

"I didn't make those"!

Weird tits. You know

fake tits are like nazis.

They don't laugh,

they don't dance, they're just...

"I'm walking here"!

I've seen a woman turn

and the tits stayed there.

Babies, lucky they don't have any

teeth becayse they'd knock them out.

I've seen tits that are really bad,

like they had the nipples on the top,

it looked like Kilroy.

When you go up Madison Avenue

you see some hardcore surgery like...

"I'm so scared,

but I can't express it".

These are the ladies who've had

so much surgery, they're going

"What are these lumps

under my eyes"?

"Those are your tits, madam"!

- And what's this?

- Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski!

This is good news for you.

And girls getting

Botox injections...?

- Look, I don't have any wrinkles.

- You also have no expression.

You look like you've had

a slight coma, but you're beautiful.

When guys say to you "Baby, I want

you to get your tits done for me, OK"?

"Do it for me.

Do it for your daddy man".

And you say

"OK, daddy man"!

"Then I want you to get

your balls done for me, OK"?

I want you to get

those big old basket balls.

So when you do the baywatch

thing, it's like...

Nothing drives a woman crazy like a

big old Easter basket on her bunny.

So you go to the doctor...

Payback's a b*tch!

Go for it, girls!

Because you went through a hard time.

This whole winter was so bizarre.

Temperatures were like 80, 20,

The weathermen are going,

"I don't f***ing

know what's going on"!

"Let's just see what happens".

Flowers were like Anne Heche

going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..."

"I don't know where to go"!

George came back from Japan, he went

"I went to the Coyote Conference"

- No, it's Kyoto.

- That's a very good car.

George, walk away.

And they say there's no global warming,

but right now the

North Pole is a pool.

It is beyond global warming,

at this point it is cooking.

It's 105 in the middle of the country,

and people come up going,

"Is it hot enough for you"?

"No, I like sweat to be rolling down

the crack of my ass like Niagra".

"I like my old man

tities to lactate, my man".

You see people in shorts and you're

going "Please, don't wear those"!

"Oh please, don't put those on"!

If you go to South West Airline

they're going,

"Sorry, you're not fat,

you're horizontally challenged".

Big people at South West

Airlines have buy two seats.

The problem is that

they are not together.

And you have to put your

tits in the overhead rack.

People don't mind now.

We're working our way through.

All over the country

you've got weird things.

In Houston they got Enron field.

"We were gonna call it

We can't call it

"We're f***ed field"!

"Arthur Anderson put in the

chairs, they spin both ways".

And now Martha Stuart

may become somebody's b*tch.

No!

Say it ain't so!

I like to consider it more

like "severe companion".

If you only have one room, and I

like to call it my "private space",

use the light well. You have vertical

bars, don't use horizontal blinds.

Also, think of your ankle

bracelet as an accessory.

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