Robin Williams - Live on Broadway
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2002
- 99 min
- 651 Views
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Robin Williams!
Thank you!
Oh, please!
Sit the f*** down!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Oh, yes!
Oh, yes, my little
semain headed friend!
That's it! Good night!
Thank you very much!
Thank you for the standing ovation,
you made the orgasm up front.
Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.
We're here in New York,
f***ing New York!
Yes!
Obviously this is not gonna
be your normal night of theater!
This will be Shakespeare
with a strap-on!
So that's the way you like it!
Welcome to my lovely set which is
from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"!
Or maybe the last thing
a clitoris sees!
I'm over here!
I'm down here!
This is brought to you by HBO,
which is subsidiary of Time Warner,
also owned by
America On Line...
"You've got mail".
I hope you don't have stocks!
Welcome!
Don't be afraid!
It was so reassuring
the other day...
George W. Bush talked
It must be him
it's kinda like having
a leopard give you a facial.
It doesn't really work!
"A lot of our imports
come from other countries".
No sh*t?!
Moving right along...
Meanwhile,
Michael is protesting...
I don't know, baby...
It was strange enought when Michael
was the best man at Lisa's wedding.
That for me was like,
"You're pushing the term, my man"!
- "What are you doing"?
- "I'm the best man"!
Now Michael is claming rasism.
I'm going,
"Honey, you gotta pick a race first".
"What are you claiming,
mistreatment of elves"?
"Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too.
What are you going for"?
"You were Diana Ross.
Now you've just left it all behind".
Michael, you're not a freak.
You're just surgically enhanced...
And you spend more money
than the Vatican.
If you go to Neverland, it says
"You must be this
high to ride Michael".
Obviously, people and the lawyers
for HBO are going, "F***"!
But how f***ed up
do you have to be
for Al Sharpton to go,
"I'm outta here, man"!
If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,
even rats are going,
"Man, that guy's quick"!
"From the Don King School
of hair processing..."
He's running for
office in Idaho on the
"What a f***ing, wild, crazy chance
in hell you'll be elected" ticket.
Sorry, my lips just went,
"What the f*** did you say"?
Couple of dyslexic people went,
"Thank you, Robin"!
"Thank you"!
We were worried about
the pledge of allegiance.
We were gonna say
It's OK.
I know people are going
"I've got a cure for this"!
above Mexico".
But then you have to the whole...
There's anthems like
"Someone bless America"!
On the dollar bill, instead
of "In God We Trust",
"In Gates We Trust"!
"Mr. Gates, when did you realize
you are creating monopoly"?
"Monopoly is just a game, senator".
"I'm trying to control
the f***ing world".
Don't you see Windows Millenium?
It's all leading to
Information Technology.
Soon it will be Total
Information Technology, "TIT".
And when you're sucking on the tit,
I have you by the motherboard.
Don't be afraid!
It's a nice day
in New York, my people.
release program. Way to go!
Stop! OK, go on again!
You're it!
Get the f*** outta here!
I like NY on a day like today. For a
while everything went like "are you OK"?.
People're back to being newyorkers
like "Have a nice day, a**hole"!
"F*** you, my friend!
Enjoy your day"!
But the most beautiful thing about
a day like today in this NY is
that the ladies
take the twins for a walk!
Oh, yeah, the tities are out today!
On a hot day all the tities are out
there. And like God made them go...
Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes
and women running, they are going...
And then they hit a
breeze and "chicken's done"!
Yes!
Yeah, baby!
These are not like
the tits in Vegas,
where even God goes
"I didn't make those"!
Weird tits. You know
fake tits are like nazis.
They don't laugh,
they don't dance, they're just...
"I'm walking here"!
I've seen a woman turn
and the tits stayed there.
Babies, lucky they don't have any
teeth becayse they'd knock them out.
I've seen tits that are really bad,
like they had the nipples on the top,
it looked like Kilroy.
When you go up Madison Avenue
you see some hardcore surgery like...
"I'm so scared,
but I can't express it".
These are the ladies who've had
so much surgery, they're going
"What are these lumps
under my eyes"?
"Those are your tits, madam"!
- And what's this?
- Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski!
This is good news for you.
And girls getting
Botox injections...?
- Look, I don't have any wrinkles.
- You also have no expression.
You look like you've had
a slight coma, but you're beautiful.
When guys say to you "Baby, I want
you to get your tits done for me, OK"?
"Do it for me.
Do it for your daddy man".
And you say
"OK, daddy man"!
"Then I want you to get
your balls done for me, OK"?
I want you to get
those big old basket balls.
So when you do the baywatch
thing, it's like...
Nothing drives a woman crazy like a
big old Easter basket on her bunny.
So you go to the doctor...
Payback's a b*tch!
Go for it, girls!
Because you went through a hard time.
This whole winter was so bizarre.
Temperatures were like 80, 20,
The weathermen are going,
"I don't f***ing
know what's going on"!
"Let's just see what happens".
Flowers were like Anne Heche
going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..."
"I don't know where to go"!
George came back from Japan, he went
"I went to the Coyote Conference"
- No, it's Kyoto.
- That's a very good car.
George, walk away.
And they say there's no global warming,
but right now the
North Pole is a pool.
at this point it is cooking.
It's 105 in the middle of the country,
and people come up going,
"Is it hot enough for you"?
"No, I like sweat to be rolling down
the crack of my ass like Niagra".
"I like my old man
tities to lactate, my man".
You see people in shorts and you're
going "Please, don't wear those"!
"Oh please, don't put those on"!
If you go to South West Airline
they're going,
"Sorry, you're not fat,
you're horizontally challenged".
Airlines have buy two seats.
The problem is that
they are not together.
And you have to put your
tits in the overhead rack.
People don't mind now.
We're working our way through.
All over the country
you've got weird things.
In Houston they got Enron field.
"We were gonna call it
We can't call it
"We're f***ed field"!
"Arthur Anderson put in the
chairs, they spin both ways".
And now Martha Stuart
may become somebody's b*tch.
No!
Say it ain't so!
I like to consider it more
like "severe companion".
If you only have one room, and I
like to call it my "private space",
use the light well. You have vertical
bars, don't use horizontal blinds.
Also, think of your ankle
bracelet as an accessory.
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"Robin Williams - Live on Broadway" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 17 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/robin_williams_-_live_on_broadway_17046>.
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