Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #2

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The first time she has lunch going

"You call this keesh"?

Shut up, b*tch!

You're inside now, you're mine!

All over things have been going good.

I've been to Memphis, to Graceland.

I never knew that Ray Charles

had a decorating license.

They're some severe...

They're colours there that

have never seen daylight.

I've been to Nashville, I've heard

people sing songs like

"Take your finger outta my ass,

cause I'm leaving you behind"!

Funny ass sh*t people do now.

I'm sweatin' like crazy up here.

It's HBO, cause it's live.

People playing baseball.

You've got a good seat.

Yankees are kicking

again, way to go!

You did a good job.

It came through.

Everybody's worried about people

playing baseball on steroids.

Here's one quick way you tell

on steroids, your balls shrink

and your head grows.

So if someone steps up to the plate

with a Mardi Gras head and

Raisinettes, "You're out"!

Poor Barry Bonds!

They won't pitch to him

and when they do it,

they're trying to kill him.

He's like Yasser Arafat

of baseball.

For Jerusalem I have

an interesting plan.

It's called a timeshare,

like Miami, let's try that.

Jews will get Hanukah and Passover,

Christians will get

Christmas and Easter

and Muslims will have Ramadan

and that other holiday, Kaboom.

Obviously, the people of HBO

are going "Oh, f*** off"!

"What are you doing, you a**hole"!

I'm very excited

because this is my time

when I was watching

World Cup Soccer, my man.

I saw world cup, baby.

There's a few soccer fans,

the rest of you are going

"Uh, that's like football

without pads, right"?

For the rest of the

world, it's football.

For us, it's "A strange sport,

played by damaged people".

We made it in the World Cup.

Everybody plays it.

Not like the World Series, cause the

French don't have a baseball team.

If they did, they would only have

left field and no one would be safe.

You know what I'm saying?

What can you do, huh?

It is Bastille day, alore!

The day that Marie Antoinette

gave the ultimate head. Look out!

We are French. F*** you, Americans,

I don't care!

My friend Lance Armstrong is racing

right now in The Tour du France.

And every year the French

go, "He is on chemicals".

"It's chemotherapy,

you little toad sucker".

Okay, he has one testicle,

he's aerodynamic.

Everyone, cut off your balls.

You'll be quicker, do it!

Don't be afraid.

When you look at the World Cup,

America finally made it.

We made it to the sixteen, baby!

We're no longer in the

"Special Olympics" category.

They used to see us coming "Give

it to them, they're damaged people"!

Thank you for the ball.

I got a ball. I shoot the ball!

Unlike the Brazilians.

When they play is like...

And the fans are like...

Brazilians are going

"Look, I'm playing soccer..."

"Look, I'm scoring"!

"And now I'm kicking the ball".

Soccer is kinda mellow, you know.

Is a little passive agressive though.

I didn't do anything...

What are you looking at?

It's not like hockey, when someone

comes up with a stick and goes

"Bang, motherf***er"!

That's why there are no

Spanish hockey players.

When a white guy takes

a stick and goes...

"Motherf***er, I'm going

to cut you off now"!

"And you, Freddie Krugger b*tch,

take off the mask, motherf***er"!

"Coming in there!

Goddamnit"!

Sometimes guys do this weird thing...

They fall down and pretend like...

"I've been killed...

I've been blinded..."

"There's nobody near me, huh?

OK, I'm kidding"!

And the referee comes over,

"Yellow card"!

Two yellow cards,

"Red card"!

Hold on, three cards,

"Green card"!

And the referee is so sweet, too.

"What's your name?

Turn around".

"Why didn't you call me

after the Mexico game"?

Not like football referees who have

that "too much commercial time"!

Mad white man dancing on the field!

Moving away.

Moving away.

In the World Cup they always

claim there's bad refereeing,

someone may have been paid off.

Oh, sh*t, say it ain't so!

You're telling me that the Oscars

are also political? F*** off!

There's a game mafia!

The mov-hand!

Fairy Godfather, "Does this

pistol make my ass look big"?

If you go to LA, there's a great

greeting these people do, "Love ya"!

"Love you"!

"Hey, love you"!

The worst refereeing was in the

Winter Olympics with the French judge.

Once again, the

French f*** with us!

The Canadians, they skate perfectly.

"We did it perfect, huh"!

And then the Russians

they come and f*** up

and the French judge went, "How lifelike,

they f***ed up, I give it to them, eh"?

At that point I'm going "Where is

Tanya Harding when you need her"?

Tanya would've been on that

judge like sh*t on Velcro.

"Give me that medal,

you French whore"!

"I won"!

Instead we get to see

Tanya fight Paula Jones

in an all white trash weekend.

Trailer park Tuesday!

Tanya went right for the nose,

"Not the nose, that's the Clinton money"!

Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco

fights John Wayne Bobbit.

There will be no hitting

bellow the belt there, my friend.

"F***, man, give that back!

My balls are in the front row"!

What's next? "The Nixon daughters

battle for the library money".

"Be there as my b*tches go at it"!

At this point, even

Caligula is going,

"What the f***

are you people doing"?

Why don't you have

Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef

just kick out the jams?

Cause we've got The Chamber,

The Chair, Fear Factor.

People in Texas are going

"We got those shows".

"We just don't film'em".

Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned

the execution of retarded people.

People in Texas are going,

"Sh*t, where's the fun now"?

Cause they were zapping retarded

people every other week.

It was like, "Go sit on

Santa's lap, Timmy".

And I know the definition of

"retarded" in Texas is pretty wide.

It's crazy!

Even the Taliban is going

"You are crazy motherfuckers"!

There was a guy with one leg. They

weren't gonna give him a wodden leg.

He was gonna be dead man hopping.

There is a moment of compassion.

Before the lethal injection,

they do an alcohol swab,

which is so nice!

"What the f*** are you doing"?

"We don't want you to get

that last-second infection"!

"It's all safe now".

You remember the Winter Olympics.

They had them in Utah. Great place!

What, was Amish country booked,

what happened?

"Come on down to Salt Lake!

We're gonna party like it's 1955".

"Bring your wives. Oops!

Come on down"!

At the closing ceremony

they introduced

Donnie and Marie,

as the first couple of Utah.

I went "Uh-uh, honey, no!

They're only a couple in Arkansas".

If you're going to Georgia,

Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up.

Jane found God

and Ted found out it wasn't him.

We're at the olympics once again,

we're talking about

the figure skating.

I find the figure skating

to be kinda sexy.

Not ice dancing, which is polka

on Valium. That's not good.

There's that pairs figure skating.

There's that one very special lift.

Where the male skater goes...

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