Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #3

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Right here!

Where even a gynecologist would go

"Put on a glove, man"!

Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

And I'm going

"Let's cut the foreplay,"

"let's have ice f***ing,

come on"!

And she holds on without her hands!

Even the French judge would go

"I like it"!

"I don't care. I'm giving them

the medal. F*** the Canadians"!

"So fabulous"!

There's other kinda sexual things

in the Olympics, there's the louge,

about which I have only one question.

What drunken, German gynecologist

invented that sport?

"You know what? I want

to dress like a sperm,"

"shove an ice skate in my ass,"

"and go balls first

down an ice chute".

"Ya! That would be fun".

No! This is for pussies!

- How will you stir?

- I will do kegels!

"I will flex my ass

and go down the ramp"!

And do not talk to me

about the two men louge.

I'm saying "Boys, get a room"!

"Make that turn, you bastard, make it"!

"Hard right, you f***er, hard right"!

Pour guy gets to the end of the run

"I got wood man, I'm sorry"!

"You cost us the race"!

"Your penis going frr was

"We could've won if you

weren't going brrring"!

"Dolphin boy"!

There's always some

horrible drug scandal.

This year was a Spanish

cross-country skilor...

Skilor, which is like a skier.

- Are you a skilor?

- Yes!

They accused him of taking

some performance enhancing drug.

Like an elephant growth hormone.

"Are you on some sort of drug"?

"Are you taking an

animal tranquilizer"?

And they didn't bother

drug testing the snowboarders.

"Go, go my little boys, have fun"!

I guess they realized the word

"half pipe" ment something.

Remember the kid who

won the gold medal?

He was in freestyle.

- You wanna be on a box of Whities?

- No. Count Chocula.

A-ha! A clue, Sherlock!

The poor Canadian snowboarder,

in the 1998 Olympics,

they took away his medal because

he tested positive for marijuana,

which is kinda redundant number one.

Number two, they said that marijuana

was a "performance-enhancing drug".

Marijuana enhances many things,

colors, tastes, sensations,

but you are certainly

not f***ing empowered.

When you're stoned, you're lucky if

you can find your own goddamn feet.

The only way it's a

performance-enhancing drug is

if there's a big f***ing Hershey

bar at the end of the run.

Then you'll be like...

Then you'll be like a Swiss

ski jumper going, "I'm there"!

Pour Canadian snowboarder.

They asked for his medal back

and he couldn't find it. It

was around his f***ing neck!

Get out of here, you little

goofy Canadian bastard, eh?

They have weird sports

like the Biathalon

which is like Norwegian drive-by.

"Get the TV, Hans"!

The Canadians won the

gold medal in hockey.

God bless you Canadian people.

You're so f***ing nice, eh?

It's your only

f***ing sport, come on!

That and a mutant form of football.

"We've got 13 men, we

have a longer field"

"No, you have fun, enjoy"!

Canada's like a loft apartment

over a really great party.

"Keep it down, eh"?

"We are nice. We have Jean Chritien,

our great prime minister".

He was the only man in the world who said,

"I don't need no secret service"

"If a guy comes to hit me,

I f***ing knock him out, eh"?

"I'm Jean Chritien which versus

your president, who's a cretin".

Quebec keeps wanting to break away from

Canada, but still keep the currency.

It's like a kid moving

out of the house,

-But I still would like to get money.

-F*** off you!

Canadian money is also

called the Looney.

How can you take an

economic crisis seriously?

- The Looney is down!

- Oh, how sad for you!

What are you saying, eh?

Everyone was so happy that at the

Olympics the security was so tight.

"Security was amazing

at the Olympics".

Utah's the whitest

f***ing State in the Union!

An Arab in Utah is like an albino

at the Apollo. You would notice!

- We found one!

- He's just tanned. Everybody off!

The problem was that there was

basically white powder everywhere.

All the dogs looking

for anthrax were going

"You go, man, you go"!

Pour dogs they looked

for anthrax and cocain.

In the cage at the end

of the day they're going

"I can't taste my ass,

I don't know why..."

"It's my tail"!

Meanwhile your cat

sits over there going

"You're still an

a**hole, you know that".

Is it me, or are cats drag queens?

The way they kinda go

"Who loves Kitty"?

"Are these your shoes"?

Who loves Kitty?

Who loves Kitty?

Male cats have that amazing thing,

where they kinda walk around going

"That's mine"!

"Mine"!

"I like that too".

Thank God men aren't like that!

"Nice car, Bob.

Mine now"!

- What are you doing?

- Just shopping!

The whole anthrax thing

had people going...

They said

"Don't open your mail"!

- Why?

- There's white powder in envelopes.

"Really"!?

"Your mother and I used to look

for white powder in envelopes"!

"We weren't on-line.

We did lines, my friend".

"And there were ninjas on the

f***ing lawn, trying to kill us"!

And now, there are people

trying to kill us.

And that's why

I bought a gas mask.

I can't even get a condom

on when I want to!

"Hey, baby. Yeah, I got

a love glove. Hold on".

"I'll be right with you, honey".

"Don't go away on me now".

You're playing "Beat the cock".

"I got it, I got it"!

There's your penis like a

midget in a diving suit...

"I don't think we're

going in today, Pete".

"We didn't make the deadline".

Remember when they sent anthrax

to Tom Daschle's office?

And they cleared that

f***ing place out.

"Everybody out, come on"!

Helmets, suits, they're all leaving.

And when the Congressman

walked out they go

"But the rest of you,

go about your lives".

"Everything is perfectly OK".

"We'll be miles away".

It's like when you go to the dentist

and he puts a little lead bib over your balls.

He walks behind concrete, going

"You'll be fine"!

How can you tell

if Congress was sick?

It's night of the living dead anyway.

All those old senators going

"The confederate flag is just

the symbol of state's rights".

Yeah, and the swastika

is just a Tibetan good luck charm.

When did Ted Kennedy

become Jabba the Hutt?

He's huge!

You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's

day float, come on!

Bring him down.

We're voting!

Step away, boy.

"I said no to the Crispy Cream".

Congress recently

approved the covert plan

to assassinate Saddam Hussein.

So what they've done,

is publicly approve

the secret plan to

assassinate Hussein.

I wonder if he knows?

I know there's a cure for bio

terrorism that they sent at us.

And it lies within

Keith Richards, I know that.

He is the only man on the planet

who can go,

"Anthrax?

All right..."

"Doesn't go with my

E. cola, but f***"!

Keith is the only man who can make

the Osbornes look f***ing Amish.

I've seen him go to a drug

dealer who said "I'm out, man"!

"I have nothing left".

Supposedly he goes to Switzerland

and changes his blood.

Not like one pint, but like a

f***ing Chevrolette, all of it.

I just wanna know

who gets his blood?

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