Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #4

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Some old Swiss man's going,

"Heidi!

We've gotta go on tour, you b*tch"!

"We've gotta pay for mixed babies".

We may all be dead and gone,

Keith will still be there

with five cockroaches.

Keith'll go, "I smoked

your uncle, did you know that"?

"F***ing crazy..."

Every so often,

Rumsfeld comes out and goes,

"I don't know where.

I don't know when".

"But something awful's

going to happen".

"Thank you, that's all for today,

no further questions".

Excuse me, can you give me a clue?

What is it, the Central

"Intuitive" Agency now?

Are you working with Miss Cleo?

"I don't know where,

I don't know when,"

"but somethin'

awful's gonna happen"!

"And definitely don't

marry that fat man".

"He only wants you

for your money, girl"!

People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud.

I went "F***ing duh"!

What do you want? A blind tarot

card before you go, "A-ha"!

If she's a psychic, why does

she need a f***in' phone number?

Number two, that

fake Jamaican accent?

If she was a real psychic,

she'd be one of those Louisiana

psychics going, "You gonna die"!

"They have to puck your ass up"

"so they can pull a place for

your bike, come on now"!

It's like buying hair

care products from Cher.

She's wearing a wig, you idiot!

Take that abdominal thing...

"Help you lose weight"

"while it shocks your fat ass

sitting watching TV".

"I'm getting six-pack abs

by knocking my testicles around"!

You strap that to your head.

And say, "I will not buy

stupid sh*t for no reason"!

Now we are in troubled times.

When it happened, I thought

the Statue of Liberty would change.

Instead of "Give me your

tired and your poor,"

it would be her with a baseball

bat going "You want a piece of me"?

There was hardcore security.

In NY stopping people in the tunnel..

In Washington they had F-18s

flying, air cover everywhere.

In San Francisco,

not so hardcore security.

At Golden Gate Bridge there's a

Hummer, and I'm talking about the car.

One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen,

same at the other end of the bridge.

The problem is that the Hummer

and the National Guardsmen

are in jungle camouflage.

For those who never been to SF,

the bridge is bright orange.

So I feel like going

"Be vewy, vewy quiet".

"We're wooking for tewwowists".

Airport security, before

all this happened it was like,

"Beep, OK, get

on the plane, come on".

"What's that? Oh, that's a gun.

OK, get on the plane".

You could carry a four inch blade,

that's about that long.

Now, you can't even carry

a nail-clipper on a plane.

Are they afraid you're

gonna go "All right"!

"Give me the plane

or the b*tch loses a cuticle".

"I have a nail file.

I can be irritating".

And if you have a steak or any piece

of meat, they won't give you a knife.

So it's like

"Quest for Fire" flight.

"Sir, you're making a lot of noise".

The Hindu man in the back is going

"Hold the bowl higher".

"Don't be afraid to beg,

use your hands."

Now the airport security is tight.

You go through the metal detector

and if you are heavily pierced,

like some of my friends...

"Take out your keys, sir".

"Tip of the iceberg".

For those playing the home game,

this is called a Prince Albert.

I'm sure that was his last wish.

I'm sure Albert said,

"Victoria, I'm dying".

"I want you to name a

museum, a performance hall"

"and a bolt through

the cock after me".

"That will be Victoria's Secret.

Go, my darling".

"Sell little thongs to people

like they had little anal floss".

And I'm talking heavily pierced.

Not like Britney Spears

"I'm a virgin"!

Yeah and Michael Jackson

is a father. Move on!

I'm talking like a hoop

through your nipple.

You know, lady...

I'm guessing!

Just kinda the way your

clothes are going...

When you have a big hoop, what

you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No!

Or you have two. He's and her's

towels, whatever you want!

A towel down here,

so you can wash up. Fun!

It's interesting when you see a girl

with a bolt through her tongue.

Why did you do that?

"To enahthe

the thekthual thtimulathion".

"Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy"

"like the feel of cold

steel on his hot rod".

"But the problem is I ended up

knocking out all my teeth"

"and living in a trailer park

with a man named Bubba".

That's the trade-off, my darling.

You get the tatoo with

a barb wire when you're 18

and by the time you're 80

it's f***ing picket fence.

And Madonna turns into

Margaret Hamilton going,

"I'm dying, melting".

Here's what you wanna do.

When I was growing up I didn't have

Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me!

But I had National Geographic

and the girls that got me crazy...

You know the ones with

the slinky neck going...

Do that, drive your parents crazy

when you come down the stairs...

Or do the full ubangy go,

"Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player".

And you can take out the plate

and jump-rope with your lower lip.

Have fun!

Watch grandma go "Sh*t"!

Union guys going

"Don't touch it, Mr. Williams"!

This sh*t is gonna be

more precious than oil.

Ten years from now, it's already

starting to happen. People going,

"I got water".

"And if you want it cold,

I got ice, motherf***er".

Going on the planes now, a sweet

little Southern stewardess goes,

"Ladies and gentlemen,

before we board flight five,"

"we're just gonna do a few

random bag checks".

"These are totally random".

"I'm just gonna read off

a few names".

"Has'N'T'Been' Seen"?

"Akeem Been'Laid"?

"Have'N'T'Been F***ed"?

"Judy Smith"?

Fourteen arabs and a blonde...?

And every black and Hispanic man in

the room is going "Thank you, God"!

"Oh, yes, we're off the list,

motherf***er, yeah"!

"They man's gonna be f***ing

with you now, Habib".

"You better learn to go orderly".

They take the knitting needles

from the eighty-year-old lady,

"Why, cause I'm gonna knit

an Afghan?" Give 'em to me!

And the five year old kid, they're

patting him down, he's going,

"What are you doing?

You're not a priest, let go of me!"

So you've had

a problem too, I guess.

Father pats little boys down, like,

"Good game, boy, good game!

Wash up Timmy, really wash up!"

They catch them, but they had the

divine witness protection program.

Find the priest,

here's the pedophile,

here's the priest,

find the pedophile...

Don't you ask, don't you tell,

you might end up right in Hell.

Here's your check, direct from Rome,

buy yourself a brand new home.

Isn't it amazing?

The Pope...

Applause break number two.

It was amazing when the Pope gathered

all the cardinals in Rome and went...

The only problem is, he's dressed

like Liberace's stunt double.

I have a solution, though!

For problem priests, a little shock

collar, going near a kid it's like,

"You know, Timmy..."

"Tommy, I think..."

Or the automated confessional,

could be fun.

"If this is a venal sin, press one".

"If this is a carnal sin, press two".

"If this is cardinal Law,

please stay on the line".

"Because you have to remember,

it's not just a sin, it's a felony"!

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