Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #5

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So we have to keep track!

Right now they're up there watching.

"Hi, Mr. Ashcroft".

We're now under the offices

of Homeland Security.

Tom Ridge ever so often goes,

"Today is a blue day, no, orange, red"!

They had to be very careful picking

that name "Homeland Security".

Couldn't say Fatherland because

a lot of the old Germans are going

"That's a good one"!

But Homeland Security, it

sounds like Homefront Security,

which was England during WWII.

Old men with pitchforks and colostomy

bags, defending England!

There they were,

Rudolph has personally...

"I threw my colostomy bag,

covered him in shite"

and said "Get out of that fokker,

you f***er, get out"!

And I also find out now,

that Winston Churchill,

one of the greatest

orators of all time,

may have been so f***ed

up on cognac and champagne,

that he didn't do some

of his great speeches.

They were done by a man from the BBC,

who also did "Winnie the Pooh".

"We will fight them on the beaches,

in the air, on the land"!

"Eeyore and Tigger"!

And, he was fighting against Hitler!

A man who recently a book

declared was a homosexual,

and I always thought

this was a clue!

That and the leather and the dancing!

We are now finding ourselves

once again drown to England

during these troubled times.

Tony Blair, a militant liberal.

Over here, George W. Bush,

compassionate conservative.

Sounds kinda like a Volvo

with a gun rack, but...

Over here, Tony Blair, a man who

must adress the House of Commons,

which is like Congress, with a

two drink minimum, crazy place!

- I believe my worthy opponents...

- Oh, f*** off!

"Shite, bollocks, you bastard!

F*** you"!

Would someone remove

Ms. Tatcher from the chamber?

Tony said, "This heinous

incident has brought us"

"to the edge of oblivion..."

"But our civilization shall endure"!

And there's poor W. going,

"Sh*t, I can't even spell that".

Cause you look at Bush

and you realize it's Bush 2.0.

It's a beta release. He came with

certain bugs in the software.

"This country will

not be taken hostile,"

oops, delete, delete, "hostage".

And you look at him and realize

he has a short attention spam.

"Our economy is going...

oh, look at the kitty".

He kinda reminds me of the guy in

college with a towel going, "Gotcha"!

You just don't want him to drive.

Some men are born great,

some achieve greatness,

some get it as a graduation gift.

That's OK!

Historically...

You must look at it

from a historical perspective.

He's George the second.

The boy-king.

A man we thought could

only lose, but somehow won,

because of confused Hebrews.

Yes!

W. doesn't speak while Channey's

drinking water. Check that sh*t out!

When everything went down,

they put W. out there, but

they protected Channey.

Channey had an angioplasty.

Most people wait 'til it heals.

He was like,

"I'm perfectly fine"!

"I'm OK"!

And there's Ashcroft in the back,

"Work the arms, you a**hole"!

You have to remember,

John Ashcroft is a man

who lost to a dead man in Missouri.

Choices in Missouri were

John Ashcroft, Dead Man.

And people in Missouri went,

"I'm sorry John, the dead man

scares me less than you do".

Here's the drill for me.

You know what's strange?

It doesn't scare me that

W. waved at Stevie Wonder.

That's OK.

Stevie's only been blind since birth!

And there's W. going,

"Stevie"!

Even Stevie Wonder's going,

"Is that motherf***er waving at me"?

"Does he think I'm looking

for him? Goddamn"!

No! What scares me,

is that W. almost died

from a f***ing pretzel.

We have billions of

dollars in national defense.

They want billions more

for national security.

And he almost f***ing goes

down from snack food!

Secret Service are going

"Game's over, man"!

"Gilligan's down.

Gilligan's down".

"Step away from the chip, sir"!

We have to have people go

"Hydrate, you bastard"!

His own dogs didnt' give a sh*t.

They were licking him for the salt.

You need a dog that cares.

A dog like Lassie, who'd go...

"What's wrong, Lassie?

The President swallowed something"

"and you did the Heimlich"?

"What else, girl"?

"Mr. Channey is meeting

with the Enron people"?

"An Enron employee

is secretary of the Navy"?

"What about the Harken loan"?

"Sorry, girl, we gonna

have to put you down".

Oh, Kenny Boy.

The Feds, the Feds are coming.

Welcome, boys and girls,

to Disney's new ride.

Investment pirates of the Caribbean.

Your money checks in,

it doesn't check out.

Sometimes you catch George unprepared

and he says unusual things.

- Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do?

- We're gonna conduct a crusade.

And everybody in the room went...

Ix-nay on the ucrade-say!

All throughout the Middle East...

Hide the women and children and

the number zero, they're coming!

And you can't bomb the Afghanis

back to the stone age

because they'll go

"Upgrade. Fun"!

Today's bombing raid has enlarged the

hole from yesterday's bombing raid.

We have moved trouble

from here, to here.

Goat in the upper right corner,

possible member of the Taliban,

or "concubine", we're not sure.

We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise

missile up its ass and were successful.

Operation "Extreme Redundancy"

is carrying on!

Then we started to drop bombs,

food, food, bombs.

And here's the fun part.

Some of the bombs were

little yellow bombs,

and the food packages were

little yellow packages.

So now you're playing

"Survivor The Real Game".

"OK Bob, I was here yesterday...

I'm gonna go for this one today..."

And what was in those packages?

Pop-Tarts, peanut butter,

and all you need is honey-baked ham

and you got a Redneck Christmas.

Who dropped the honey-baked ham

on the Muslims?

Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts

and peanut butter on Afghanistan?

Number one, it tastes a sh*t load

better than dirt.

Number two and more importantly,

very difficult

to have a call to Jihad

with a mouth full of peanut butter.

Secondly, or thirdly,

for those keeping track...

Afghanistan is a hasheesh

smoking culture.

And everyone who's ever been

a friend of the Hooka will go,

"Pop-Tarts"!

Yes! Got milk?

Come and get me!

We're trying to win hearts

and minds. How do we do that?

Do we build an amusement park

"Muslim Mountain" with Gadafi Duck? No!

Do we have a wet burger contest? No!

Do we play Cat Stevens

records all day? F*** off!

Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No!

Do we have a children show

called "Saudi Dudi"? No!

What we must do is we gotta get

a sister. You know what I'm sayin'?

You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn.

You know what I mean, a-ha, girl?

You know what I'm sayin'?

One of those b*tches you

see on Jerry Springer.

Drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go,

"Girl, you don't have to dress

like a mother f***ing bee keeper"!

"You don't have to be

Casper's b*tch, forget all that"!

"If he picks up a rock, cause

you're talking to another man,"

you pick a bigger rock and say

"Sh*t has hit the fan, motherf***er"!

"He tries to cut off your clitoris,

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