Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #6

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make you a Barbie doll,"

you grab a knife and say

"Lorena Bobbit time"!

"Don't make me go cobra, I will go

Oprah on your ass. Don't make me"!

We're dealing with fundamentalists...

The Amish are fundamentalists,

but they don't try

and hijack a carriage at needlepoint.

And, if you're ever in Amish

country and you see a man

with his hand buried in a

horse's ass, that's a mechanic.

Who are we looking for?

Ossama Bin Laden, one of 52 children.

Even Freud would say,

"He has issues".

What does he look

like without the beard?

Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand?

I don't know, I don't care!

I know this he's a six foot five

Arab on dialysis...

Why is that so f***ing hard to find?

Look for somebody attached

to their luggage.

When you see the tapes

of him, you see a psychopath.

Wait a minute.

We have some of our own!

Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around

with nothing to do.

Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind",

the home game.

You give Ted a mailing list

and some tools...

Ted, these people have been bad.

- Are they bad?

- Very bad!

- I just want a few things.

- I know you do!

Or we get Charles Manson. Great

organizer, incredible with chicks.

You can't use him.

Chucky all the time

comes out for parole

with a swastika on his forehead.

- I'm better.

- In many ways, yeah.

- What would you do if you got out?

- I'd kill everybody.

What are we dealing with?

One of the fundamental

things is in a Jihad.

Sounds like a country

western term like "jee-ha"!

And if you are in a Jihad

and you kill an infidel

which, I'm sad to say, is all of us,

and you yourself die...

you go to heaven

and you are greated

by 71 dark-haired virgins.

Now everyone who's ever been

with one virgin is going...

"I don't know..."

"For my talent portion..."

Recently, there was a

article in the New York Times,

a Coran scholar said

"The actual translation is not

"but 71 crystal clear raisins".

Slight difference in

interpretation, really.

It's like finding out "thou shalt not

kill" is "thou shalt not wear a kilt".

And the Scotish are going,

"F*** off"!

Imagine some guy blows himself up,

goes to the gates of Heaven sayin',

- Where are my b*tches?

- Here're your raisins.

Or 71 Virgils going,

"You got a pretty mouth"!

Ossama Bin Laden goes

to the gates of Heaven,

there's George Washington waiting,

"How dare you defile that

what we created"

and starts violating on his ass.

start kicking the sh*t outta him.

And then he's going,

"Where're the virgins"?

"71 Virginians, you a**hole"!

"I must talk to Jesus Christ"!

"Where is Jesus Christ"?

And Saint Peter goes,

"Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab"?

I heard it. Finally the PCs.

We crossed

the politically correct line.

It's OK to beat the sh*t out of them,

but don't do the Ethnic joke.

How Buddhist of you!

Remember when they

destroyed the two Buddhas?

What did Buddha do?

Nothing!

What does the Buddhist terrorist do?

Goes in the middle of the street,

takes the gas... Self barbecue!

People're killing each other

in the name of God're going,

"What the f*** are you doing"?

"Making you deal

with your sh*t".

I don't understand the whole

fundamentalist thing.

I'm an Episcopal.

That's catholic light.

Same religion, half the guilt.

It's frightening.

Catholics have confession,

episcopals have

Thanks Giving, your dad

has a couple of gin and tonics...

"I never loved you mother,

you know that, don't ya"!?

"I didn't, dad. And she's

right there. Tell her again".

Episcopal is basicly Church of

England which was Henry the 8th

breaking away from the Catholic Church

going, "I'm the f***ing Pope now"!

Then people broke

away from that church,

the Calvinists found him

to be too loose.

Then the Puritans broke away from

the Calvinists, our ancestors,

people so uptight, the

English kicked them out.

How anal do you have to be for the

English to go "Get the f*** out"!

"Take your pimp shoes and go"!

And they land here in

America going "Hello"!

"We bring you guilt,

syphilis and alcohol".

"Here chief, try this

and once you drunk it,"

"keep moving towards your

feathers float. There you go"!

And the Indians go

"We have a gift for you".

"For us is a sacred herb. For you

it will be an addictive carcinogen".

"Tobacco is a lot of fun.

And a good cash crop, yeah".

"Welcome to Custers.

The Casino that cares".

"This is my wife,

Sits-with-a-full-house".

"It is now time for the

white man to get drunk,"

"and we'll get back the land

you took from us".

The Puritans stayed here

and groups broke away from them

and then we got the people

who knock on your door

at 6:
30 in the morning

on Sunday going,

"Have you found Jesus"?

You just wanna come to

the door nude and go

"No, help me look for him!

Come on"!

People like Pat Robinson

and Jerry Falwell say

"This was brought upon

us by our sinful ways".

I wanna put them on a plane,

take them to the ayatollah

and have world wide

fundamentalist wrestling.

"One time only. A life after death

match for all of our souls".

"Let's get ready to humble"!

Here's the drill. Fundamentalists

take it to be "the word".

Not translatable, not metaphorical,

"the word".

In the Genesis, "Let there be light"!

Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang?

"No. God just went click".

We are all descendant from Adam

and Eve, then we are all cousins?

"That's right"!

There are miracles in the Bible.

Like when Moses, and I'm not

talking "Guns 'N' Moses", no!

Not Charlton Heston going,

"Let the Jews go or the pharaoh

gets two in the head"!

Charlton Heston,

a man who said,

"Guns don't kill people.

Apes with guns kill people".

No, Chucky! The second amendment

started from people

going like this...

And that still continues.

That's OK!

When Moses said to pharaoh

"Let my people go".

And pharaoh went

"In your dreams"!

And Moses called the God,

"God, I need some help"!

And frogs fell from the sky.

Or maybe there were Jews

with catapults going "Now"!

Thank God it wasn't the French,

cause they would go "Lunch"!

"You're great caterers, I can't

let you go, you crazy people"!

Frogs fell from the sky. I would

be going "Get your sh*t and out"!

I said wait a minute! That's what

we should drop on Afghanistan.

Not bombs, not food...

F***ing frogs!

Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils,

sh*t they haven't seen.

If you wanna get people out

of caves, a sh*t load of NY rats.

NY rats would be going

"Hey, come on, raid"!

"I eat p*ssy literarly.

Bring it on"!

Even then pharaoh was not impressed

"Please, David Copperfield, no"!

And then boils and

then first born dies.

"That's it! Hebrews get out"!

And everybody...

"Let's not wait for the bread to rise".

"Just get the crackers and the skin

off your penis, we're leaving"!

Excuse me! Why the skin

off the penis?

"We're travelling, people.

You don't want sand in there".

"And this is so passe! The dicky

thing, forget it. Let's move"!

We're going to the desert.

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