Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #7

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Then they get the 10 commandments,

that would be ajusted later

by certain presidents.

And they get to the Red Sea.

And they go "What now,

Mr. Magic, what do we do now"?

We're gonna walk on the

"fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks"...

Frogs backs!

Thank you for watching me this far.

Obviously, I did inhale.

"What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot"?

And he calls to God again

and the sea parts.

And even the most doubting

Jew is going "You're good"!

Let's move, don't eat the shellfish,

I'll tell you why later.

Where are we going?

"To Jerusalem to start

years of struggling,"

"and later to Miami

to f*** up an election".

And then the pharaoh comes, the sea

closes and he calls to his cat-like God

but the cat-like God can't do sh*t,

cause it's afraid of water.

And then there's another miracle.

The night that Mary said to Joe

"Joe, I'm pregnant".

Joe went "Holy Mother of God"!

She went "You're right"!

- Oh, Jesus Christ!

- What a great name, Joe!

"That is so much better

than Shmul. Way to go"!

- I love you, Joe!

- Hold on a minute, Mary.

- So I'm the step father of God's kid?

- Yeah.

"I can't discipline him,

I can't tell him he's wrong,"

cause he'll look to me saying

"You're not my real dad".

- How did it happen?

- It's immaculate, Joe.

"It better be, Mary!

It better be immaculate"!

I'm sorry I'm transforming

Joe into Ralph Cramdon.

Up to that point, all the names

in the Bible are very Jewish.

You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee

and then you get Mary and Joe.

We're just a hyphenate away

from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob.

We could've had Jim Bob,

the son of God.

Praise to him, Jim-Bob.

He, who finds the stuff

And gets me a job, Jim-Bob!

Jesus was an only child.

Thank God!

Who would want to be Jerry,

the brother of Christ?

That's a tough gig.

"Come on, Jerry,

we're going to the beach".

"Jesus's gonna walk on the water,

feed everybody, heal them"

"and get a whole buch

of disciples".

"I'll sat there with a rash and sand

in my ass. Great day for me"!

He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going

"Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoo-dee-doo"!

"Yeah, I healed sombody. Come

here Spot, heel! Look at that"!

"Jesus is a carpenter, I'm

a plumber. You do the math"!

And people say to me Jesus wasn't

Jewish. Of course he was Jewish!

Thirty years old, single, living

at home with his parents, come on.

Working in his father's business,

his mother thought he was

God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

It's an old tradition!

And if he was Jewish, and many

of his Disciples were Jewish,

for the Last Supper, would they

have not gone out for Chinese?

"Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on

one minute, no service, no sandals".

"OK, you come in now".

"You're twelve. All I got is two

tables of six. They're not together".

"I got one big table by the window,

but you all have to face this way".

"You are glowing, so I guess we won't

need that lamp, that's very nice"!

"You've just turned a Szechwan chicken

into a live chicken, you very good!"

It's said that night, Jesus

turned to his disciples,

and said "One of you

shall betray me".

Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus"?

Jesus said, "It is not you Peter".

Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus"?

Jesus said, "It is not you Simon".

And Judas said

"Is it me, Jesus"?

And Jesus turned to him

"Is it me, Jesus"!?

Thus you see

two traditions beginning

Jewish sarcasm and gentile

humor. Together born!

The next day the miracle occured.

Crucifixion, Resurrection,

and he rose again from the

dead and if he sees his shadow

another 2,000 years of guilt.

Yes!

For me, the one big question is how

do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection

and then chocholate bunnies,

coloured eggs?

How do you do that one?

Even kids are going "Rabbits

don't lay eggs. What is this"?

And you don't want a kid bitting

the head off a chocholate Jesus.

You don't want a cream

filled cross going...

You don't wanna put raspberry

jam in the grass going

"We're looking for Jesus,

kids, come one"!

What are we trying to do?

You're trying to keep them involved.

That's why we have all the saints

that did all those amazing things.

They're all there

to keep your action up.

And then we're starting

to lose them.

Like Saint Christopher...

"Chris, sorry, babe.

Dashboard sales are down".

"The medals aren't selling well".

"Drop the kid off your back, pick

up your stuff, you're outta here".

"We're gonna have Saint Prada,

all ladies accesories".

But I want a saint

like Mother Teresa.

She said "You can do only

small things with great love".

And Pat Robinson said

"She's not a real Christian"!

"Why? Cause she doesn't have

tag shelther and a university"?

Mother Teresa never had a line

of products, her own perfume...

"Compassion" by Mother Teresa.

"I smell, because I care.

Compassion"!

Gandhi never had "Gandhi Jeans"...

"Whether you're simply not eating or

telling the English to get the f*** out"!

"They come in size one and below".

Gandhi was an amazing man.

They asked him "What do you

think about Western civilization"?

He said "I think it would

be a wonderful idea".

As beatific as Gandhi was, there

was somebody in a Bombay bar going

"I know Gandhi.

He was a prick".

"I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog,

hitting on Mother Teresa".

"He kept saying

Who's your diaper daddy"?

"I saw that with my eyes".

"If you don't believe me, I'll

b*tch slap you like Shiva".

"Don't press this.

Don't f***ing do that"!

"Don't go ding-dong,

you a**hole"!

"Cause India has the

atomic bomb, my friend".

"I could turn this whole

place into Chicken Tika".

India has the bomb.

Pakistan has the bomb.

And we're prepared

to fight over Kashmir.

And your president probably thought

it was a sweater. What an a**hole!

India detonated

Pakistan detonated

And your spy satelites were

like Ray Charles in the Louvre.

They didn't have a f***ing clue.

India has the bomb.

Pakistan has the bomb.

China has the bomb.

Or maybe they just have one

billion people go "Boom"!

Russia has the bomb.

"We have many bombs".

"We don't know

where they all are"!

Maybe you want a dirty bomb.

And the French have a bomb, too.

Maybe they have the Michelin

bomb that only destroys

restaurants under four stars.

They still test their bombs.

They still detonate their bombs.

Where did they do

the undeground test?

In the Sahara,

in the total wasteland?

No, f*** off!

In Tahiti! In paradise.

Why?

"Because we're French".

"Oh, look a Green Peace

boat's come to protest".

"F*** off, I sink you".

"I'm the baddest mother

f***er, am I not"?

"Look, I'm giving a

cigarette to a baby".

"Suck on the cigarette.

Life is sh*t. Get to know this".

"You, Americans.

F*** all of you Americans"!

"Americans, you politically correct.

You cultureless crack Americans".

"We hate all of you.

F*** off"!

"The Germans are here...

Hello, Americans"!

"I love you!

Come on, Americans".

"Welcome back, Americans"!

"You can build a Disneyland

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