Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #8

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near Paris".

"We won't go, but build it".

"It will have a Minnie mouse with

armpit hair. It will be great"!

Smoking a Galloise, going

"I never loved Mickey".

"He has three fingers. What am I,

a bowling ball? F*** off"!

"Don't love him"!

But there is one country

that watches out for all of us

the Swiss, ya!

The Geneva Convention.

If there's ever a nuclear war,

they will be the only people going

"What was that noise"?

In their big hollowed out country,

with their chocholate

and their watches. Ya!

The nice Germans. Ya!

Or, as they like to say,

"the other white race".

I have only one question.

How can you trust an army, that

has a wine opener on it's knife?

"Many of you, men, have never

opened Chardonnay under fire".

"You take out the wine bottle,

pull out the cock and throw"!

"I don't know, but I've been told,

Chardonnay must be self-cold".

My God! Where did all this

Impresionistic art come from?

And all these jewelry

from 1939 to 1945?

Fairies must've brought

it during the night.

I have to do the Heimlich and

cough up an account number.

I know this one thing...

I know there's one country that is not

developing a weapon of destruction.

That does not have a secret

weapon's lab up in the mountains.

Jamaica!

Jamaica would never make

an atomic bomb.

They may make

an atomic bong.

But I'd rather fight the war with an atomic bong

cause, when the atomic bomb goes off,

there's devastation and radiation.

When the atomic bong goes off,

there's celebration!

Smokes a split for the communion.

If you don't see Jesus then,

you never will.

I know only one thing.

I never met me

an angry pot smoker.

I never met a man who said

"Hey, you f***ing prick"!

"Oh, f***"!

"What was I gonna do"!?

"Hold me, you piece of sh*t.

Get over here"!

Because you see,

marihuana...

I know this one.

Wait a minute.

If you smoke a lot of pot, you may

never become a rocket scientist.

Or maybe...

If you seen some of the things that

happened recently to NASA, maybe you can.

"The Mars lander..."

"I did the calculations in feet,"

"but I programmed

the lander in meters".

"So, instead of landing,

f***er burried"!

"185 million dollars... oopsy"!

"Two years... splat"!

"OK, f***!

Here's a better one"!

"The Hubble Telescope..."

"I forgot to put in a lens".

Read the top line.

"Officer Jerry, serial..."

"The rest is just a black hole".

I once called Steven Hawking's house,

"Hello, this is Steven Hawking".

- Yes, I'd like to leave a message.

- No, this is Steven Hawking.

I know one thing though.

Pot is not like alcohol.

Alcohol changes your moods.

Go to a bar at happy hour and see

some happy motherfuckers there.

See those guys going,

"Hey, f*** you, my man"!

"Hey, listen to me".

"Listen to me, you piece of sh*t".

"You do not know sh*t

about f***, my man".

"You want a piece of yourself"?

"Step outside, I'll kick my ass".

"I've already sh*t myself,

I'm halfway there".

Some people know,

you can deal with it geneticaly.

If you're Irish, you've

got a running start

that you can do it

better than we are.

If you're Irish, you'll kick my ass

but then you'll sing about it, afterwards.

"Oh, the night you

said my wife was fat,"

"I knocked you down

and sh*t in your hat".

And then you keep drinking 'til you're

in your 80s and you're on a dialysis machine,

doing liver dancing

Michael Flatline.

And they say the Irish

saved civilization,

drank a couple of Guiness

and forgot where they f***ing put it.

But that's all right!

The Japanese drink

differently than us.

You could be polite during the day

and all of a sudden you're

"Arigato gozaimas".

And after five Jack Daniels...

"Tie the yellow ribbon"!

Karaoke for

"a**hole with a microphone".

"Sing, you round eyed f***, come on"!

And If you want a linguistic adventure,

go drinkin' with a Scotsman.

Cause you can't f***ing

understand them before...

You land in Scotland

and they're going

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah?

- Sure.

- Oh, f*** sure, eh?

- Sure!

- Oh sure, you dumb f***ing bastard.

And you realize how drunk they get,

they could wear a skirt and not care!

And how they could invent

a sport like golf.

Here's my idea for a f***ing sport.

I knock a ball in a gopher hole.

- Oh, you mean like pool?

- F*** off pool!

Not with a straight stick,

with a little f***ed up stick!

I whack the ball, it goes

in a gopher hole.

- Oh, you mean like croquet?

- F*** croquet!

I put the hole hundreds

of yards away!

Oh, f*** yeah!

There's big fun there!

- Oh, like a bowling thing?

- F*** no!

Not straight,

I put sh*t in the way!

Like trees and bushes and high grass.

So you can lose you f***ing ball.

And go hacking away

with a f***ing tire iron!

Whacking away, and each time you miss

you feel like you're gonna have a stroke!

F*** that's what we'll

call it, a stroke,

cause each time you miss you

feel like you're gonna f***ing die!

Oh great, oh and here's the

better part. F***, this is brilliant!

Right near the end,

I'll put a little flat piece

with a little flag to

give you f***ing hope.

But then I'll put a

pool and a sandbox,

to f*** with your ball again!

You'll be there trashing your ass,

jerking away in the sand.

- And you do this one time?

- F*** no!

Eighteen f***ing times!

There you have a sport!

The manly sport of golf,

where you can dress like a

pimp and no one will care.

Where even a blind gay man would go,

"Oh, dear Christ"!

"Those are loud, this is not carnival!

What the f*** are you on"?

Even the aligator's going,

"A**hole"!

It's such an athletic sport,

whack the ball, get in the car.

Whack the ball,

get in the car.

And the commentary's electrifying.

Just this side of Curling,

for really getting me going.

"We're on the third green now".

"Could people be quieter,

I'd like to hear the grass grow".

I want the guy who does Mexican

soccer to do golf one time.

"The ball is rolling,

the ball is going to the..."

"Hole"!

Just to see all those

waspy motherfuckers going,

"Oh, dear Christ"!

"My God, they're not gardening,

they're playing now, oh, sh*t"!

"What the hell are we gonna do"?

That was their last domain of dominance.

It was their area.

They were the king.

Up until... Tiger!

Son of a black man

and a Thai woman.

Not even a German geneticist

could've thought than one up!

Black athletic ability,

Buddhist concentration.

Crouching Potter.

And then he goes

to the British Open,

and he plays at Saint Andrews,

where they f***ing invented the sport.

And after the forth round,

he's 18 under par.

And there's only 18 f***ing holes.

And all the old men are going,

"My God, we're doomed"!

"How did he learn to play?

We wouldn't let him join, dear God"!

And they start having nightmares

of golf carts going...

"Yo, yo, yo, I'm playing through,"

"Whether you're a gentile or a Jew."

"Purple beats, motherf***er"!

All of your gentle sports are no longer

gentle. Tennis used to be...

Until the Williams sisters...

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