Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #9

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- 40, love?

- No, that's good love, baby!

Even boxing's changed.

Remember boxing, people go, "I go

to boxing to watch the sport of boxing".

Like saying,

"I go to stock car races"

"to see people take

left turns all day".

No, you go to boxing to see

someone get the f*** beat out of him.

Even the guy who loses is going,

"I have 18 million dollars".

"I don't know where it f***ing is..."

"I'm gonna buy me a big ass house,

but I can't find it. F*** off"!

Boxing was the same.

And then Mike Tyson!

Mike Tyson comes along

and bites somebody.

Let's get ready to nibble!

All these guys're going,

"Oh, dear God, he bit somebody"!

I'm saying, "You're lucky

he just bit somebody".

"Mike just got out of prison.

You're lucky he didn't f*** him".

You bite somebody in jail its like,

"Get ready b*tch, you're mine now"!

- Break it up!

- We're not finished.

Mike said to a journalist, "I'm gonna

f*** you, till you love me".

At that point I'm going, "Someone

didn't come here to box, babe".

Mike said, "I'm on Zoloft, so I

don't kill you, motherfuckers"!

I'm going,

"Up the dosage, Mike"!

There's all these drugs,

Zoloft, Prozac.

I wanna have one drug

encompassing it all.

Call it "F*** It All".

I don't feel anything, I don't

wanna do anything, "F*** It All".

The closest thing to a coma

you'll ever be, "F*** It All".

I'm sitting here in my own dong,

"F*** It All".

The scary thing about drugs is that

they have some horrible side effect.

"May cause artificial insemination".

What?

What do you mean?

There's a product called Olestra,

which is a very strange thing.

Olestra? What is that?

It said on the little side of the chips,

"May cause anal leakage".

That's not a side effect

if my ass is going...

I think that's an effect, really!

"Fire in the hole"!

Bad day!

- How you're doing, Bob?

- Just a little anal leakage, Ted.

Bob, you wanna get out

of the pool right now?

I want science to help me.

God, look at me! Look at this!

I had women in NY saying

"Don't wear fur"!

The politically correct... red paint

"F*** off, lady, it's me"!

I'm a f***ing Chia pet.

I've gone to the zoo

and had monkeys go...

Anybody who thinks the

zoo is a happy place,

go and watch the monkeys wait

for groups of school children.

Watch the fun.

The monkeys sit there, like...

"Wait for it".

"Wait 'til the teacher comes

with the video camera".

"Now"!

Cause they're not happy.

Even the poor animals

like Ling Ling the panda,

she must mate, so you can

build the wing on the zoo.

They go to China,

they anesthesize a panda,

which is kinda redundant...

They bring him back to America

and give him a name like Ping Pong.

When his Chinese name was

Who Shu Ko Hu,

"Bear with Balls of Steel".

They put him in the cage with

Ling Ling, saying "Go, mate"!

He looks at her like,

"I would never f*** her"!

"That is one ugly panda b*tch".

"If you were a panda, you'd know that's

the f***ing ugliest panda b*tch there is".

"I wouldn't have f***ed her

with a koala's dick"!

"F*** off"!

"I would rather lick my own balls,

than f*** that panda b*tch"!

There's only one animal

who can tell you

if she's happy

and wants to mate.

That is Coco,

the silverback gorilla.

She saw me,

the blue eyed simian.

She was intrigued.

She said to her trainer...

- What does that mean?

- She wants you to tickle her.

OK, I tickle her...

Then she goes...

- What does that mean?

- She wants you to lift your shirt.

I lift my shirt, she reaches out

and grabs both my nipples.

And when an 800 pound

gorilla's got you by the tits...

you listen!

Then my balls went,

"Somebody wants to play".

- Should we go to phase two?

- No! Do not go to phase two!

"I repeat!

Do not go to lift off"!

"This may feel like a human, but

notice the placement of the tumbs".

"This is not a human"!

"Do not go to phase two"!

"Warning! Warning"!

She must've sense something,

cause she grabes me by the hand,

takes me in the back.

Daktari meets Deliverance.

I'm expecting the crocodile

hunter to walk out and go,

"Oh, cranky! She wants

to f*** his brains out"!

"Watch out, boys and girls.

Danger! Danger! Danger"!

"This could be like that time I

put my finger in a crock's cloette".

But part of me went,

"Could be fun"!

Make a great story for a bar.

A guy's going "I had

a wild night in Vegas".

"Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla".

"Where's everybody going"?

And you don't want that

late night phone call, "Hello"?

"Don't call me"!

Maybe it's because I'm 50.

When you hit 50, the old machinery

doesn't work so well.

You be at a public rest room going,

"How're you doing? Great game today, huh"?

"Oh, boy"!

What's happened is your prostate

is bigger than your ego now.

When you're in your 40s, you go to

the doctor they have to do the old...

First time is "Oh, my God"!

"I'm just putting on the

glove, Mr. Williams".

I went back the second time and

I moaned another doctor's name.

Don't do that!

- Who's Dr. Smith?

- You're the only one!

When a woman has to

go to the gynecologist,

you don't want a doctor

who has a hobby.

You don't want a gynecologist

who's also a magician.

You don't want somebody going,

"How are we today... Oh, a dove"!

"Wow, what's this"?!

"Is this your card"?

I don't want a doctor who's a

proctologist and ventriloquist. No!

"How you're doing today"?

"Take your hand out of my ass.

I'm not a muppet. Move it"!

In your 50s it's no longer the...

It's the ortho-proctoscope.

The colonoscopy.

That's what W. did.

It's a video camera

on the end of a rodeo rudder.

And it's going up you!

Suddenly, you're your own

Discovery channel special.

"Slowly, we're going up

Robin's colon".

"This must be what you see".

"Slowly up ahead,

a burger he had in '85".

- Is that a polyp?

- That's a fart, Mr. Williams.

They go further up your ass,

they blow air.

Now you're a f***ing party favour.

Oh, doctor, give me all you can take!

I'm a man. Give me 120 psi!

You feel like a Pinata,

you think little Mexican kids

are gonna come out and go,

"Get the presents"!

The air is coming this way.

The farts are going, "Incoming"!

"It's not a... No finger!

It's the midget!

"Fall back behind the sh*t,

wait for my command"!

"Prepare to make

the wet sloppy noise"!

Because the moment they pull that

tube out of your ass, you are an evinrude!

"Rolling, rolling, rolling

Keep that colon flowing"!

Fourty miles, blowing outta you!

You put on your pants and you're floating

like a balloon spinning on the America's Cup.

"Coming about, Jimmy.

She's your"!

And then you realize...

"Oh, sh*t, fire in the hole"!

"Tighten up boys, we're not

gonna drop here"!

"Thank you, doctor.

See you next week".

"Hold the elevator"!

"F*** you, you bastard"!

Seven flights of stairs.

Everybody you pass,

you're going "It's me"!

Dogs look at you like

"Roll over, man, you're dead"!

You just wanna borrow a match.

"Give me that"!

Flaming a**hole.

That's what you are. You're

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