Robodoc

Hey, can you help me?

I need a doctor.

No, my friend,

you need a lawyer.

Call me.

Hey!

Good morning, boys.

Looks like you lost your patient again.

Do I have to separate you two?

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Wait your turn.

Don't you know everybody

is in here is waiting?

Go take a seat.

Take a seat over there.

Do you have an insurance card?

No.

Take a seat over there,

and fill out these forms.

Where?

Over there.

Sir.

Your eyeball.

Next.

Hey, that's you buddy.

Guess that's me.

I've got this incredibly painful paper cut.

Do you have an insurance card?

Yes, I do.

Code Green! Code Green!

Oh, my goodness!

Nice booty!

Thank you.

Thank you!

Great, on top of everything else,

the circus is in town.

Hey!

Do I have to see all these patients by myself?

Where are my doctors?

They're at a meeting

on electronic charting, Dr. Roskin.

Didn't you get the memo?

No, there's nothing in my box.

I sent it to you by email.

Email, yes, damn computers.

Look, find the technology

to page Dr. Callaby. I need help down here.

Dr. Callaby, to the E.R., stat.

Dr. Callaby, to the E.R., stat.

Dr. Callaby, to the E.R., stat.

Dr. Callaby, to the E.R., stat.

Oh, too bad, so sad.

Just started this round,

got 17 holes to go.

Hey, how nice of you all to join me.

Dr. Murphy, you take the clown in room 5.

Dr. Keefe, you take the headache in room 7.

He's got a headache?

No, he is a headache.

Bonacasa, the mime in

room 9 is all yours.

- What's wrong with the mime?

- Didn't say.

Go, go, go!

Nurse Nancy, if you'd be good enough

to pry yourself away from that screen.

You should be paging

Dr. Ramalama to the E.R.,

and I want Dr. Mills down here

for the F.L.K. In room 6.

Can't pay your electric bill?

Sue your doctor.

I'm Jake Gorman,

Attorney at Law, and I care for you.

Rat bastard.

Mr. Jenkins? What seems to be

the problem today?

Now, wait a minute.

I don't want some snot-nosed punk

who's not even able to shave yet

telling me he's my doctor.

I want a real doctor.

I am a real doctor, okay?

And I assure you I am most qualified...

Is there a problem here?

No, no problem.

You're damned right there's a problem.

I've been waiting for two hours

to be seen be a real doctor.

One with hair on his pee-pee.

I know my rights.

I'm going to call my lawyer.

I'm Dr. Roskin, Chief of Staff.

I've been running this E.R.

For some 25 years now.

On the pee-pee hair front,

I boast a rather generous

thatch of botanical splendor,

much of it a well-earned gray.

May I see the chart, please?

I see that you've never been vaccinated

against tetanus, rabies, distemper,

Dengue fever, malaria,

rockin' pneumonia or the boogie-woogie flu.

No, that's okay, doc.

I don't need those shots.

Well, medically I'm sure you're right,

but the lawyer you said you would be calling

would call me negligent

if I didn't give them to you,

so, Nurse Helga, please,

if you would assist the young Doctor Keefe.

- Thank you.

- Yes, doctor.

- Dr. Murphy?

- Yeah.

There's a patient here who insists

on being seen by you.

Okay, thanks.

Oh!

Thank you very much.

Dr. Murphy?

- Yes?

- Damn glad to meet you.

Oh! This is from Jake Gorman's office.

You've been served.

Have a nice day, doc.

Damn. That's the third malpractice suit

today, you punk!

I don't think that hip is broken at all.

Let's try standing. There.

Yes, good, okay.

- We'll walk a little...

- I quit!

Dr. Murphy.

I try to help these upstanding citizens,

how do they repay me?

By suing me every chance they get.

I'm finished!

Now Bradley, please, don't leave me now.

I'm begging you.

I've got wall-to-wall patients here.

They're going to have to get better

on their own, Richard.

I'm finished. I'm done.

Finito. Gone. Hasta la bye-bye.

Game over.

See this?

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a clown to kill.

That's it! I need an administrator!

Get Buttkiss down here now!

Mr. Abrams, I'm Gene Buttkiss.

I'm the Chief Administrator

here at North Mercy.

Your health is very important

to you, isn't it, sir?

It sure is.

And what would you say it would be worth

for my staff to nurse you back to health?

Well, you can't put a price on health.

- Try.

- A million dollars.

Oh, a million dollars! I like that!

And how much are you

actually going to pay us?

Well, I have no money.

I have no insurance.

Oh! No money? Oh, I see.

So, for a million dollars' worth of service,

you're going to pay us the grand total of,

I don't know, for argument's sake

let's just use a ball park figure of nothing!

Zip! Nada! Goose egg!

You are outta here!

I don't know about you, but I feel better.

- Buttkiss!

- Oh, Dr. Roskin. What can I do for you?

Murphy quit. I need more doctors.

More doctors, right, sure,

I'll just pull a few more out of my uh... ear.

I mean it, I don't care where they come

from, I need more docs.

Alright Richard, I'll call corporate headquarters.

But until then,

I've got some medical advice for you.

Don't hold your breath.

Thanks for calling RIP,

sorry for keeping you on hold for so long.

How can I help you?

Hello?

Hello?

Make it quick.

Uh, yeah. Sorry to bother you sir,

Bothering me is your job,

Buttkiss, and you do it very well.

I see.

Well, you tell Dr. Roskin

that he'll have his new doctor.

- First thing tomorrow morning.

- Thank you, sir.

I was, um, right, okay, good.

Thank you.

Board members, shareholders,

and executives.

It is my honor to serve as president

of RIP Healthcare.

As many of you know, I was the owner of the

Bionics and Medical Devices division for years,

what many of you don't know, however,

is that I was born without a heart.

There's no heartbeat.

This baby has no heart.

I was rushed to the neo-natal

intensive care unit,

and there received the first ever

fully-automated internal combustion

artificial heart

ever produced by

the Medical Devices division

of RIP healthcare.

This baby saved my life.

And since the company saved my life,

I thought it was only my

duty to save the company.

And I have.

RIP Healthcare will enjoy a profit

of no less than $3 billion

this fiscal quarter alone.

But we do have a problem

You see, each year we lose literally

hundreds of millions of dollars

in medical malpractice lawsuits

brought against our doctors

by sleazy, slimy, low-life,

blood-sucking, leaching lawyers.

But what can we do?

We're a hospital.

We need doctors,

and doctors make mistakes.

After all, they're only human, right?

Not any more.

What if I were to tell you

that we can have a doctor that works

A doctor that knows everything,

a doctor that can do anything,

a doctor that makes no mistakes?

You'd say I was crazy.

You'd say I was

a raving lunatic, wouldn't you?

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the future of medicine.

I give you medical device MD-63.

Made with the latest space-age composite

materials and microprocessors,

packing 350 gigabytes of RAM

and a 2.4 liter air-cooled engine,

MD-63 can effectively,

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