Rock Star Page #2

That's right! This one's for Emily!

She turns me up and shakes me|down and makes me want to what?

Stand up and shout!

What was that?

What was what?

There's no solo break|after the chorus.

They don't care.

That's not how the song goes.

I know how the song goes.

If you know how it goes,|then play it right.

Chris, you are taking this sh*t|too seriously.

That's right, because the music|deserves to be taken seriously.

If you don't,|you don't deserve to play it.

All right, you need to get a grip.

You've ruined your performance.|Do not ruin mine!

Hey!

Plug that f***er back in.

Quit it!

-That's my amp!|-Do not ruin this concert! Do not!

Hey, f*** this concert!

Here we go again.

-Hit him in the bollocks.|-That wraps it up for tonight.

Grab a T-shirt and cassette on|your way out. Thanks for coming.

Cut it.

-What's up?|-What's he doing here?

-What are you doing here?|-Bradley's our new front man.

You made your point.|Get him out now.

-Only one leaving is you.|-Chris, see these?

It's the new P.A. he brought with him.|And that's the new mixing board.

Have you heard his voice?

-Sit and spin.|-Dude, just relax.

I don't care if Bradley can hit|the notes Bobby Beers can hit.

Bobby's leaving the band anyway.

-You don't know.|-Nina and Samantha say he's leaving.

-Bullshit.|-It doesn't matter.

We want people to hear our originals.|We're tired of being a cover band.

-We're a tribute band.|-No, dude. We are a cover band.

The problem is, you think|you're in Steel Dragon.

I love you, man, but you're mental.

Get a grip on reality. You don't know|where Bobby Beers ends and you begin.

I'm mental, because I don't want|to be in a cheesy bar band...

...that butchers music and makes them|listen to your crappy originals!

Crappy? "Whole and a Half" kicks ass.|I'm proud to have written it.

That's why we got|so many requests for it.

Don't sh*t on me because you're|scared to write your own songs.

Yeah, that's it. I'm too scared.

If you wanna make it,|you write your own tunes.

Thanks for the tip, bro.|Look, come on, guys.

We loved playing Dragon tunes. We|couldn't imagine playing anything else.

-I thought it'd be a goof.|-A goof?

Wouldn't you rather fail|as yourself...

...than succeed as|a Bobby Beers clone?

You can write a song about|why I would wanna do that!

All right, you're gone. Just go!

What's so f***ing funny?

Babe, come on. Let's go.

Fine. This is my mike stand!|I'm taking it! These are my cables.

I'll get new cables.

-Don't think I'm coming back.|-I don't.

-Well, that's because I'm not.|-Good.

I'm serious. If I leave,|I'm not coming back!

-You said that!|-Shut up, Bradley.

Last time.

Emily.

If you still want to manage us,|then it's okay with us.

Rob, I'm a businesswoman.

Rule one in this business is|you go where the talent is...

...and all the f***ing talent|that was in this band just left.

You know, those guys are|so replaceable.

It'll take me five minutes to put|together a band and blow them away.

Maybe this is just a sign.

You know, just time to move on.

I'm not in the mood to look|on the bright side now.

No, this is an opportunity for you...

...to write your own songs.

Why?

Be another clown with a guitar,|trying to get attention? No way.

Remember what you wrote|for me on my birthday?

-No.|-Yes, you do.

Come on, please.|It's embarrassing.

Are you done making fun of me yet?

I love that song.

You're not getting it.|You're not hearing me.

I'm telling you,|first time I ever saw you...

...first time I laid eyes on you...

...sophomore year, Bill Starbuck|in The Rainmaker,

I said to myself,|"Oh, my God, that guy's got it."

I mean, my heart stopped.

And I said,|"That guy is going all the way."

I was just singing|someone else's lines.

I did not write them.

-My favorite color is rainbow.|-Mine's mauve,

I said no. Haley, did you answer|the telephone? Thank you.

Sunshine Daycare.

Chris! Telephone!

Telephone!|You want to help me crack eggs?

-I want five.|-Five eggs.

Chris? ls that Chris Cole?

-Who is this?|-This is Kirk Cuddy,

Ricki, your accent is|as lame as your playing.

What do you suggest|I do about my playing?

Who is this?

I told you, it's IKirk Cuddy.|I play in a band called Steel Dragon.

-Maybe you've heard ofus,|-I don't have time.

Hang on, hang on.|Listen to this, all right?

Are you lip-synching?

If this is IKirk,|what did you call your third wife?

Do we have to talk about that old slag?|I called her Sugar Bum.

The second wife, too,|It's why the third left,

Now I affectionately refer|to all ladies as Tottie,

Is that enough for you?

My God, this is unbelievable.|I was sorry to hear about your dog.

Pookie?

Yeah. I sent flowers|but I didn't get a response.

But I figured you're so busy.

Can we get past|the This ls Your Life crap?

There's a ticket waiting for you|for a flight to L.A. tomorrow.

-Are you serious?|-Ofcourse I'm serious,

-Tell no one about this,|-Yes, sir.

Good man, I'll see you tomorrow,

Bye.

Right there.

I'm Chris Cole.

I'm Tania. I work with the band.

-You went out with Bobby.|-You look like Bobby.

-Is that all you brought?|-My manager.

We traded the first-class ticket|for two coach.

How resourceful.

Yeah, well, I thought so.

What was that? Did you see that?

Why are we here?

I should let IKirk explain|everything to you.

Are those your breasts?

I'm sorry. What?

Your breasts. Are they yours?

Well, you know, I don't remember.

They're quite sensational.

Well, thanks.|That's just what I was going for.

So you're in a Steel Dragon cover band.

-Tribute band.|-Right.

I'm kind of sort of|in between bands right now.

-Your pants.|-Emily had them made for me.

I bet they're easy|to get in and out of.

So, when do we get there?|Tania, is it?

Tania.

-Are you famous?|-No, we're nobody. Sorry.

-Well, you should be!|-Oh, thank you. Bye.

-Can you get us in?|-I'm just trying to get in myself.

Follow me, darlings.

This is Bobby's Twisted tour in '77.

-Look at that.|-See the dragon?

That's Sammy!

Look!

It's a '58 Flying V|in fire-mist gold.

And it's the real one. Look.|The fingerboards are rosewood.

That's from|the Delirious tour, right?

-Are you two coming or what?|-Yeah. Sorry.

Wait right here, all right?

Thanks a lot, Ralph. That's great.

-That's it?|-Yeah. Very nice. Thanks.

Lovely.

They're ready for you now.

What's up?

Thanks for coming.|Not too fagged out?

-I don't think so.|-Mats, the road manager.

I saw you in Pittsburgh.|You gave everybody a pass but me.

From the looks of you,|I had good reason.

We saw a tape of you singing|provided by Nina and Samantha.

Is the incredible voice really yours?

-Cocksuckers!|-That would be you, Bobby.

You think some child|can replace me?

You want to do your thing.

-You're firing me?|-Calm down.

You calm down, you wanker!

-It's because I'm gay, isn't it?|-You're gay?

No, I have pierced nipples and a house|in Morocco because I'm John Wayne.

Have you listened|to the lyrics of "Stand Up"?

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