Rock the Kasbah

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[ HINGES SQUEAK ]

[ GOATS BLEATING ]

[ WIND WHISTLING ]

[ BIRD SQUAWKING ]

[ ACOUSTIC GUITAR: FOLK BLUES ]

[ MATCH FLARES ]

[ MAN ]

Yes, I'm gonna be a pop star

Yes, I'm gonna be

a pop star, now

Yes, I'm going to be

a pop star

Oh, Mama,

Mama, see me

Mama, Mama, see me

I'm a pop star

Oh

Yes, I'm goin'

on the TV now, now

Yes, I'm goin'

on the TV, now

Yes, I'm goin'

on the TV, now

Oh, Mama,

Mama, see me

Mama, Mama,

see me on the TV

Oh

Yes, I'm goin'

on my first gig

Yes, I'm goin'

on my first gig

Yes, I'm goin'

on my first gig

Oh, Mama,

Mama, see me

Mama, Mama,

see me on my first gig

Oh, listen to me

[ VOCALIZING ]

[ FADES, ENDS ]

[ WOMAN, OVER-ENUNCIATING ]

I drove for miles and miles

And wound up at your door

I've had you so many times

But somehow I want more

I don't mind

spending every day

Out on your corner

in the pouring rain

Look for the girl

with the broken smile

Ask her if she'd like

to stay for a while

And she will be loved

And she will be

Loved

Mr. Lanz? I'm done.

No.

[ SIGHS ]

Forgive me. No.

You're just beginning.

You liked it?

Liked it?

You made me

want to swallow poison.

And forget pitch,

rhythm and tone...

and emotional attachment

to the lyric or the melody.

I'm sorry.

I don't think I...

A grain of sand

slips into an oyster...

and irritates the bivalve.

What happens?

A pearl.

Celine Dion.

Miss Nicki Minaj.

Christina Aguilera occasionally.

All of them deeply,

profoundly irritating.

Each one of 'em a huge star.

You, mighty Mo...

are that irritant.

[ INHALES ]

So you'll represent me?

If you'll have me...

Richie Lanz Management...

globally, in all markets.

[ SQUEALS, LAUGHS ]

Welcome to the team.

Thank you! Thank you.

So $1,200?

It's just to cover wardrobe,

studio time, gym classes.

Oh, I go to a gym.

Want to get you

a good blender too.

[ RICHIE ] Wow.

I got goose bumps. Me too.

Oh, personal check.

- I'm going to say it's okay, Ronnie.

- Yeah.

Here's our contract.

The only one we'll ever have. Ever.

My handshake is my word.

[ RONNIE ]

Conning checks from losers.

Booking cover bands

for bar mitzvahs.

What happened to

that smile you had, huh?

That Richie Lanz smile.

What'd you call it?

Hey, remember, we got

that thing at Pogo's tonight.

Your "winner's smile."

That's what you called it.

All those pictures in your office,

you had that grin.

That grin, man.

You were really something.

Am.

Not were, sweetheart. Am.

Yeah, sure,

I'm taking some hits,

you know, but this is

all rope-a-dope, baby.

It looks pretty bad for Richie Lanz

from the cheap seats,

but I am still

in the goddamn game.

You know,

this is not forever.

This is right now.

This is Van Nuys.

Life's about seeing an open door

and walking right through it.

Obviously, some a**hole has changed

the goddamn locks on me,

but... there's still

a door there.

I can see it.

I have always found a way.

I always will.

- I mean, how do you think I found Madonna?

- Richie.

Singing for spare change

in front of Hamburger Hamlet.

Okay, is this our talk?

Because you promised me...

after one year

I'd be singing my own songs.

I don't really...

see that now.

Wear your Meredith Brooks

outfit tonight, please.

- [ PHONE RINGING ]

- Door number one. That's you.

We have to talk, Richie.

No!

I don't like this!

We have to rock!

[ MID-TEMPO ROCK ]

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know, but I can't change

Tried to tell you

but you look at me

Like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

- You must have been relieved

- [ GLASS SHATTERS ]

To see the softer side

I can understand how

you'd be so confused

What's up, buddy?

She's great, isn't she?

I don't envy you

The girl's not that great.

You're too drunk to know.

All rolled into one

I'm a b*tch

I'm a lover

I'm a child

I'm a mother

I'm a sinner

I'm a saint

This sh*t rocks!

[ RICHIE ] Totally.

I love this song.

I do not feel ashamed

It rocks!

It totally rocks.

Whoo!

[ CONTINUES ]

You know you wouldn't

want me any other way

I got to go check something.

Fuses or watts or something.

No, no, no.

My man, my man, my man.

What you gotta do

is bring this sh*t to Afghanistan.

Afghanistan. Totally.

Got to.

USO tour.

That's me, man.

I book those things.

This chick,

opening for Demi goddamn Lovato

and that Solange?

- The real Solange?

- Hells, yeah. In country, dude.

Goddamn beautiful

this time of year.

What time of year is it?

May.

What?

I think that it's May.

Kandahar rocks in May.

Right, right.

Do the whole circuit...

Herat, Mazar-e Sharif,

two nights in Kunduz, Kabul.

Do the whole thing.

You're talking a tour?

A hellacious tour, dude!

For money?

How about for your country?

Hells, yeah. For a ton of money.

We're at war, dude.

The faucet is open.

You do what you do

[ GAGGING ]

- And don't try to save me

- One, two, three.

[ TOGETHER ]

I'm a b*tch, I'm a lover

I'm a child

I'm a mother

I'm a sinner

I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

Daddy, nobody tours Afghanistan.

That's not true.

Nobody good.

Now you're just being cruel.

Aren't you?

Sweetie, your dad

was a rock tour manager...

Your dad is

a rock tour manager.

And this is what

I'm supposed to do.

I'm supposed to tour

with my act.

Now yes,

it's a little bit out of town,

but it's a start.

The first thing I do

when I arrive,

I'm going to head directly

to the Kasbah...

where I will purchase for you...

They don't have Kasbahs

in Afghanistan.

What? No rock the Kasbah?

Somebody is not

going to like that.

They're in North Africa,

not Afghanistan.

[ SIGHS ] You are so

your father's daughter.

Scary smart.

And you got my looks too.

You really have

the total package of me.

Okay, then I'll just go

to the mall...

and get you one of those stuffed

elephants with the mirrors all over it.

Just come home.

[ WOMAN ] Hurry up! Ann Coulter's

gonna dance next!

I gotta go.

Mmm.

Dree!

Dree.

I love you.

I love you more.

[ JET ENGINES WHINING ]

- [ JET ENGINES CONTINUE ]

- [ ENGINE STARTS ]

[ RICHIE ] Come on.

We're in the homestretch.

Last leg.

Come on. This is

just a short two-hour...

[ WHISPERING ]

Hell flight!

It's a hell flight.

This is a goddamn death trip.

Forgive me.

The '85 Bangles tour

was a death trip.

Susanna Hoffs would not

even talk to her own mother.

[ GROANING ]

I'm going to hurl.

[ RETCHES ]

[ WHINING ]

What if they hate me?

They're soldiers.

They'll kill me.

You want my air?

Here. Take mine.

No. I want to go home.

Hey, did I tell you my Stevie Nicks story?

Oh, God.

It's the Rumours tour.

[ RETCHING, COUGHING ]

Stevie can't go on.

Stevie won't go on.

Finally, I can't

stand it anymore.

I run over to her,

grab her by the shoulders.

I look her in the eye.

I SAY:
[ RETCHING CONTINUES ]

"Miss Stevie.

I'm nobody, but I'm a fan."

And there's a lot of kids

out there tonight just like me...

fans, who saved all month

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