Rock the Kasbah Page #2

---

to come and hear Stevie Nicks sing.

"To see Stevie Nicks twirl."

What happened?

Yeah. Crazy.

She head-butted me.

Deviated septum...

that I still have.

[ SNIFFS ]

Blood everywhere,

all over both of us.

But Miss Stevie Nicks went on and

did the show of her life that night.

And Ms. Ronnie Smiler, I think you are

that same kind of professional.

I believe in you.

Mmm.

He believes in you.

Oh, my God.

You should see the way he

looks at you while you sleep.

[ SMACKS LIPS ]

Stop it right now.

"Not wearing underwear."

[ WHISPERING ] You idiot.

That's what he's thinking.

- You idiot.

- It's only rock and roll, babe.

Yeah. Think Aspen.

But, you know, during wartime.

This is the last of it?

It's not ours.

[ MAN ] Your luggage probably

never made it on the flight.

It has been known to happen.

Is there a lost-and-found?

Not in the traditional sense,

sir.

Richie, I want to get out of here.

Mm-hmm.

Get me the hell out of here now.

Okay, Private?

We'll proceed to the Majestic Hotel,

get you people squared away.

Don't want to head into town in the dark,

even with a Humvee and body armor.

I'll come back at 1900 hours,

pick you up, take you to Camp Phoenix

for tonight's show.

I'm sorry. Body armor?

[ RICHIE ] That's a good plan.

That's a great plan.

Hey, guess what.

We're shopping here.

My treat. They have

great shopping here.

Hippie-chic stuff.

This is the...

These people invented

the word "bazaar."

Actually, sir,

we're in a lockdown mode.

There's been an assassination attempt

on the Afghan president.

Markets, restaurants, tourist spots,

anything outside of your hotel...

is suggested off-limits

to all Westerners,

NATO, UN personnel,

all non-government organizations,

until further notice.

What? A lockdown?

Yes.

What?

Private.

From now on, let's...

[ BANGING ON DOOR ]

We'll keep all of that

on a need-to-know basis, okay?

Sir.

Yeah.

Hey, hon.

Can't go out that way.

We've gotta go out

this door here.

Ronnie Smiler, everybody.

Tonight at Camp Phoenix

at 8:
00!

[ ROCK ]

[ MAN SINGING, INDISTINCT ]

Bawitdaba, da bang da bang

diggy, diggy, diggy

Shake the boogie

said up jump the boogie

Bawitdaba da bang da bang

diggy, diggy, diggy

Shake the boogie

said up jump the boogie

Bawitdaba da bang da bang

diggy, diggy, diggy

And this is

for the questions

That don't have any answers

The midnight glances

and the topless dancers

The can of freaks

Cars packed with speakers

The G's with the 40s

And the chicks with beepers

The Northern Lights

and the Southern Comfort

- [ EXPLOSION ]

- Aaah!

[ MAN ON RADIO, GARBLED ]

I'm losing it, Richie.

What the... What is this?

Nothing.

It's a Mexican quaalude.

Can't this wait

until after the gig?

Ho-Hold it.

IED puffed a local

on Flower Street.

Land mine blew up two

goats few blocks over.

No worries.

We're good to go.

You know what?

You can have half now.

Save the rest

for the after-party.

[ LAUGHS ]

They're blowing up goats.

Must be some sort of festival

or something.

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

[ ROCK RESUMES ]

Bawitdaba, da bang da bang,

diggy, diggy, diggy

Shake the boogie,

said up jump the boogie

Bawitdaba, da bang da bang,

diggy, diggy, diggy

Shake the boogie,

said up jump the boogie

Bawitdaba, da bang da bang,

diggy, diggy, diggy

Shake the boogie,

said up jump the boogie

Bawitdaba, da bang da bang,

diggy, diggy, diggy

[ CONTINUES ]

[ HELICOPTER PASSING OVERHEAD ]

Mr. Lanz,

this hotel is not MOSS...

"Minimum Operating

Security Standards."

They usually don't clear

our people to stay here,

but the town's jammed up

and you're only here one night.

Get a room at the back away from

the street and potential flying glass.

Stay in it till I get here.

See you at 1900 hours.

I can't feel my lower lip.

Good girl.

Richie Lanz checking in.

Uh, we are obviously the talent for

tonight's show at Camp Phoenix.

We've just come off

a hellacious flight from the coast...

and would really appreciate

an upgrade,

possibly to a junior

executive suite.

At the very least,

two adjoining bedrooms.

Something with some size,

and definitely

off the street, hmm?

[ SPEAKERS:
BLUES ]

[ RONNIE GIGGLES ]

Hey. Bombay Brian

just got out of jail...

for hanging two Taliban guys

upside down by their feet.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

You win, sir.

I upgraded you.

- What room, Nasim?

- 26.

My gal's got

a big show tonight.

She's got to get her rest.

Big... Big-time show.

[ GRUNTS ]

Hi. [ LAUGHS ]

I'm gonna see you guys after

at the after-party. Right?

[ MAN ] Sure, I'll be there.

Good.

Don't forget about

the rock and roll

[ SPEAKERS:
BLUES ]

Yeah?

[ INDISTINCT ]

[ FAINT DIALOGUE ]

- Hey.

- Oh, look out.

Life is good.

Yes, and cheap.

Yes. Cheap and good.

Bartender.

Let me get a round of drinks

and one for our boy here?

This is our card,

in case you need anything.

Want you to have it.

Anything at all.

"International Ballistics

and Munitions."

Yeah.

IBM.

Yeah, we sell bullets

to the good guys.

Which is, you know,

karmically correct.

And it's a $300 million contract

with the damn Pentagon, dude.

It's insane. Billions...

Billions are pouring into this b*tch.

I am talking about US,

NGO dough. NATO.

It is a goddamn cash waterfall.

All you gotta do is tilt

your head back and swallow.

[ GRUNTS ]

It's porno.

Six months ago,

we were Herbalife salesmen.

Look at us now, huh? The goddamn ammo kings

of Kabul! Who would have f***ing figured?

[ RICHIE ]

Rise and shine, songbird.

Your future's calling.

[ RADIO:
ROCK ]

[ MAN ON RADIO ]

You can swim the sea

Ronnie?

You can jump

into the fire

Ronnie.

But you'll never be free

You can shake me up

Or I can break you down

She's gone!

She is? Truly?

- You ready to roll, sir?

- Hang on.

Give me a second.

His Ronnie is gone.

Kidnapped?

Big Daddy. Big Daddy.

We have a possible abduction

at the Majestic...

No, she just left.

She wrote a note.

She left a note.

[ MAN ]

Copy that.

Well, I'm afraid

that's a personal matter.

She stole my wallet.

She took my wallet, my money, my passport.

- Women, sir.

- Well, what about the show?

Well, I guess the show

must go on.

But without you guys.

Good luck, sir.

"Good luck, sir."

I'm royally f***ed.

We can make each other happy

Welcome to Afghanistan.

[ RADIO:
HIP-HOP ]

How do you know

that she's gonna be here?

There's nowhere else she

could possibly be, okay?

There's no flights out of

this place until tomorrow.

She is still in Kabul.

Trust me.

And if she's in Kabul,

she's at the Volcan.

Every-f***ing-body's

at the Volcan.

Say it with me.

Volcan! Volcan!

- Volcan! Volcan!

- Just chill the f*** out.

You're in Kabul, man.

Man up!

Come on.

Go loud with me, bro.

What the f*** was that?

Come on.

Go loud with us. Let's go.

Raise it.

There we are.

Very nice. Hit! Hit it.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes!

Whoo!

Richie Ros.

That's my dude!

It's pretty good, huh?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes