Rock the Kasbah Page #3

---

Smooth.

Smooth.

This is a nice car.

Just like the Mannix car

from the TV show.

I bought it from

my boy, Azam Ghol.

[ CHUCKLES ] Sounds like someone

from Lord of the Rings.

No, no, no.

He is the real Dark Lord, dude.

This guy, he's an animal.

He butchered what?

Half of southern Afghanistan

back in the day.

But, still, really a cool guy.

Very funny.

Yeah, once you get

to know him, he's great.

He's got an incredible sense of humor.

Get him out in the world.

He threw in these awesome CDs.

Linda Ronstadt, ZZ Top,

Phantom, Cats.

- Don't worry about that.

- Why did you do that?

Was that...

Why did you do that?

- Was that about Cats?

- Hates Broadway.

Jump around

Jump around

Jump up, jump up

and get down

[ DOGS BARKING ]

They'll snap at you.

[ LAUGHING ] This is f***ing scary,

isn't it?

[ ALL LAUGHING ]

[ RICHIE ]

Who would put a club here?

I figure this area

is rent-controlled,

so they're able to keep

the prices really low.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Come through here at Christmastime.

It's all lit up.

The parade goes right through here.

It's beautiful.

They're making us stop.

Yeah, we're good.

Don't worry about this.

[ SPEAKING DARI ]

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh?

Which uh-oh?

What is happening?

[ MAN ] Just Be cool, bro.

Papers.

I... Uh...

Officer.

Uh, time for a crazy story.

Uh, Richie Lanz.

It's a real pleasure.

Um...

I may have been burgled.

My star...

Uh, a singer, like Cher,

seems to have vamoosed

with my passport...

and my money,

and left me here

in a place that I like,

a country that I like

and a village that I admire,

uh...

with no proof or identification

that I am responsible...

for a musical tour

going through here,

playing in your town

and a number of others.

And I'd like for you all to come to

the show as my guests.

- Backstage...

- Get out of the car. Now!

- [ ENGINE REVVING HIGH ]

- [ RESUMES ]

F*** you! F*** you!

Those fools shoot

like they dress.

[ MAN LAUGHS ]

Welcome to the jungle!

[ WHOOPING ]

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

[ TOGETHER ] Volcan!

Volcan! Volcan! Volcan!

[ MAN #2 ] I was about

to fall asleep before that.

[ MAN #1 ]

Here we are.

Thank you, bro.

Oh!

[ DANCE ]

Kenny Loggins?

You're still playing?

You guys had guns?

Oh, hell, yeah, we do.

[ LAUGHING ]

- We good?

- [ KNOCKING ]

What's up, dude?

So you gave them your guns.

Does this mean

we're not in a war zone here?

We're safe here?

We're totally safe.

This is a tough town.

People blowing up all over the place,

a million miles from home. Dirty. Stinky.

We work hard,

but we must also play hard.

Dancing on the edge

of the volcano.

[ KNOCKING ]

Rula, babe.

Nick, Jake.

Actually, I'm Nick.

He's Jake.

Whatever. Plus one?

Mmm.

- [ SLAMS ]

- [ LOCK CLICKS ]

[ JAZZY HOUSE ]

No, I can't.

Hey, let's spread out

and find your Ronnie.

I'll grab a beer. She's around here

somewhere. Just keep looking, okay?

[ CONTINUES ]

[ LAUGHING ]

[ WOMAN ]

Oh, how I'd love to

Let you touch me slowly

Over and under your spell

Oh, how you love to

let me f*** you slowly

Over and under your spell

You the new lifeguard?

Oh.

Oh?

You're not a lifeguard.

You're toast.

Burnt. Singed.

Fried.

High.

Come on, baby

You know how

I like your dress.

I bet.

Sparkly, huh?

I'm Merci with an "I."

[ CONTINUES ]

Can you sing?

Nope.

But I can f*** you like

a Mouseketeer on crack.

You can?

Sweets,

I can do things to you...

that are illegal in every

civilized nation in the world.

I will leave you broken,

drooling

and speaking in tongues...

like a hillbilly snake handler.

When?

How much money you got?

Well...

I'm in a rented double-wide.

You can ask anybody where.

It's Miss Merci's 401(K)

retirement tour.

You do not wanna miss it.

Keith Haring, 1987.

I bought it off of

John Cougar Mellencamp.

Well, his bass player actually.

- What's your name?

- Richie Lanz.

Buckle up, cowboy.

[ VOCALIZING ]

[ KIDS SHOUTING ]

[ KNOCKING ]

[ MAN ]

Miss Merci.

[ RICHIE ] She's, uh,

in the shower, I think.

I suggest you come back...

in maybe an hour

and a half or so.

Uh, Mr. Lanz?

Hey. Private Barnes.

I like what you've done

with your hair, sir.

Well, you're kind to say that.

Uh, well.

Enjoy the rest of your stay.

Will do.

Uh, Private?

Yeah?

Oh. Sure. Sure.

You look kind of nervous.

Probably your first

hostage rescue, huh?

[ SIGHS ]

Yes, sir. Here.

No, I can get that one.

Thank you. All right.

Wow.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I ain't never seen any sh*t like this

before, sir. Good for you.

Well, it's wartime, son.

[ MEN CHUCKLING ]

[ CHATTERING ]

It's worth the wait.

Hey, bub. Hey, bub.

Going downtown?

[ BOYS SPEAKING

FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

I got nothin'.

I've got nothin' for you, guys.

Hashish? No. Never again.

That's final.

Maps! Maps!

Five dollars?

You got to be kidding.

I've got nothing, fellas.

Nothin'.

Look, check my... Here.

Who combs their hair? [ BOYS CHATTERING ]

Map! Map! You. You got hair.

Here, take it. Kid with the hair.

Hey. Hey! Are you a taxi?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure, sure.

[ DRIVER SHOUTING ]

Maps! Maps!

Maps! Maps! Maps!

[ RADIO:
DISCO ]

Thank you.

Yes.

I'm glad you speak

the language.

Yes, yes. I speak. Yes.

I speak American. American.

Where'd you learn?

Yes, yes.

International language of love.

Yes?

Look forward, please.

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

I thought that was French.

No, no, no.

Who sings the disco?

We do, I guess.

The good stuff.

Yes. Yes.

Bionic Boogie, Sylvester,

"Lip Incorporate,"

Madonna...

Hey, an old friend.

You have met Madonna?

"Met" is an understatement.

[ DREE ] I love you, Daddy!

I love you!

[ WOMAN ] I'm hanging up now.

Please don't hang up.

I'm in a jam. Syl, please. Wait.

I'm stuck in Kabul,

and-and Ronnie left...

and took my passport

and my money...

and my plane ticket.

Yeah, yeah.

I need you to wire me

a few thousand dollars.

Oh. Geez. Sure. Of course.

You're the greatest.

You're aces.

The second you pay me

the two months...

of child support you owe me,

you pathetic piece of sh*t.

Right. Are you still there?

[ BEEPS ]

I need a shower.

Of course, sir.

[ HORNS HONKING ]

[ SCREAMS ]

You smell like p*ssy.

[ CHUCKLES ] I'm gonna take that

as a compliment.

Your girl's gone.

I got her out of here last night

on a C-130 to Dubai.

- Why?

- 'Cause she asked me to.

'Cause she asked you to?

Yes. That and the fact that

she paid me a thousand dollars.

My thousand dollars.

That's half my fee.

She said you'd pay me the rest.

[ CHUCKLES ]

No and no.

I have no money, no passport...

One thousand. American. Now.

I assume you'll take

a personal check.

I assume you'll take

a bullet to the foot.

Look, Mr. Bombay...

Or, uh, do you go by

"Mumbai" now?

Twenty-four hours.

You pay me or you die.

You don't deserve

a talent like that.

She begged you to let her

sing her own songs.

You force her to sing

that stupid cover sh*t.

Creative suicide.

"A"... It's called

"management strategy."

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes