Rock the Kasbah Page #4

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And two...

Why don't you get me my passport

and wallet back for the $1,000?

How about if I punch a hole

through your heart right now?

Get out of my way.

Twenty-four hours!

One day.

You're repeating yourself.

[ SHOWER RUNNING ]

[ RICHIE ]

Come down off your throne

And leave your body alone

You are the reason

I've been waiting so long

Somebody holds the key

But I'm near the end

And I just

ain't got the time

And I'm wasted

And I can't

find my way home

It's ridiculous! Woodstock...

Jimi Hendrix played

The Star Spangled Banner...

because I asked him to!

Two weeks...

to get a passport

to my own country.

[ RADIO:
POP ]

Hey...

Could you please turn down

the "Boogie Oogie Oogie Oogie"?

[ STOPS ]

Hey, boss. How about lunch?

Do you like Mexican?

Mexican's fine.

But no food.

Madonna?

Please. Donna.

Donna Elaine Beckerman.

Grosse Pointe, Michigan.

- I gave her the name Madonna.

- That's why you are a very famous man.

- Saw her singing on the street.

- Yes. The Hamburger Hamlet.

On Sunset.

Legendary ears.

Oh. Mr. Richie.

Tonight is Afghan Star.

On TV.

[ TV:
MAN SPEAKING DARI ]

Afghan Star?

Yes. Big TV show.

Like your American Idol.

Huge competition

for our singers.

He is favorite.

All of Afghanistan,

they watch it and they vote it.

For money?

Yes, of course.

Winner gets $5,000 American

and record deal.

I dig the suit. Retro.

Hey. Uncle Rich, we've got to get out of

here. We've got something better than this.

It's there! It's there!

Whoa!

Whoa! Look at that, huh?

Three months I've been trying to get

that f***ing thing to spiral.

Here you go.

- What's that for?

- That's some gangster sh*t.

Just consider it a lifetime

achievement award.

Look, I think what

he's trying to say...

is that, ultimately, you are our arms man,

and you are in trouble.

That's about $15,000.

Not enough?

- What do you guys want?

- F***ing mind reader.

Clairvoyant.

Okay, what we're looking for...

is a little of that

Richie Lanz closing magic.

You see, we're, uh...

we're double-booked.

What my partner

is trying to say...

is that we are

tied up here in Kabul.

But we got a shipment

due in Patkia...

Today.

Yep.

Today, Rich. Okay?

It's just a few hours south.

We will send some security

just for show.

Totally not necessary.

This is a sweet Pashtun village.

Rich, these... These are

the very good guys, okay?

All they need is a few thousand rounds

of ammunition...

to defend their village.

We gotta help these guys.

Of course we gotta help these guys.

It's what we do, right?

It's why we're here. Mm-hmm.

It's why we are

all here, okay?

Look, we need somebody

we can trust, all right? An American.

Mm-hmm.

That we can trust.

You drive down, you do the meet and greet,

get paid, obviously, see the sights.

And they're wonderful sights.

The road trip is absolutely incredible.

There's amazing rock formations.

It's like Arizona. Really, really pretty.

And you'll be back at L'Volcan tonight

for cocktail hour.

A tourist trip.

Totally. You got a camera?

Why would I ever do that?

- Love this guy.

- Cool head in a tight spot.

Why would you ever do that?

You think we didn't think about this?

Obviously we did.

We thought about you.

And then we thought about

your current situation.

Look, Rich, the US Embassy,

if pushed, can issue...

what they like to call

a "limited-validity" passport.

Like right now.

Ahora. Right the f*** now.

We can have it

in your hands tonight.

No questions asked.

No.

Like I said, we can and will

make that happen for you.

[ NICK ] Now, it's only good for a year,

but it will get you home.

And it's safe?

[ SIGHS ] It's safe as milk.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ BRIAN ] Thirty clicks from our

destination out on the Gardez road.

The mission today is

a simple stop and drop.

We got a Hollywood agent

in the truck with us today.

Let's see if we can't

keep him alive.

You say you're shopping

a book deal.

You happen to be sitting next to

a very well-connected hombre.

Connected to who?

- Danielle Steel.

- Bullshit.

- We dated.

- Get the f*** out of here.

Seriously.

No way.

- Back in the Bay Area.

- You dated Danielle Steel?

Mm-hmm.

You f*** her?

Twice.

[ BRIAN ]

I read Passion's Promise.

A lot of sex.

- She had beautiful hair, didn't she?

- Back then.

Now I think she's wearing wigs.

And cheap ones. Really.

Like dime-store ones.

[ BRIAN ]

Synthetic?

[ RICHIE ] You know, she's got

the money to spend.

I don't know why

she doesn't do it.

- [ BRIAN ] Come on!

- Mr. Richie! Mr. Richie!

Mr. Richie!

[ BRIAN ] The f***ing truck is on fire.

Get out of there!

Let's go. Get up!

Get up! Let's go.

Get up! Yo, anybody hit?

Anybody hit?

Baba? Get It On John?

Everybody all right?

Where you going?

Mr. Richie! You are blown up?

[ BRIAN ]

Richie! Where are you going?

- Mr. Richie!

- [ RICHIE ] Hey!

[ BRIAN ] The f*** you going?

Get that gear out of the car.

Whoa, Hollywood!

Where are you going?

Hey!

Hey! The f*** you going?

Where are you going?

This wasn't the deal.

What?

[ COUGHING, BABBLING ]

This wasn't the deal.

The deal was...

[ SOBS ]

The deal was safe as milk.

Was the deal. Safe as milk.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's get out of here.

Not getting blown to hell.

Milk? Do these look

like milk trucks?

Do I look like a milkman?

I don't like the tone

of your voice.

You're not gonna

get out of here without us.

You're not gonna

get five clicks out of here.

What's a click?

It's a unit of measurement

in the desert.

Mr. Richie... Heads up. Heads up.

What do you got?

Horses. Horses, Mr. Richie.

Oh, f***.

Come on out. Come on.

We should have taken horses.

[ MEN SHOUTING ]

They are my people. Yes.

It's okay. They're Pashtun.

[ CHATTERING IN PASHTO ]

[ GUN C*CKS ]

[ PANTING ]

Where you goin'?

To close this deal.

Hey.

Richie Lanz.

Talent manager

of Van Nuys, California.

Soon to be in Beverly Hills.

How y'all doing, guys?

As-salaam alaikum.

[ CONTINUES IN PASHTO ]

[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]

Back at you, babe.

[ RICHIE ] We got all the stuff

you asked for.

Everything's here.

It's all boxed real nice.

Bows. The whole thing.

[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]

Heads up.

- Yes. He's cool.

- We done, champ?

No, I think... Uh, everything but the,

uh... the money. It's good.

Uh, okay, I guess

you've got what you need.

There's just the matter

of an account balance.

Is he... Is he stiffing me?

He is not on our side.

Yeah, I think I know

a good cop, bad cop when I see it.

He wants to pay you

over tea at his home.

Tea?

Yes. And then dinner.

And then he would like us

to spend the night.

It is an incredible honor,

Mr. Richie.

I don't know.

If you refuse,

he will be honor-bound...

to hunt you down and kill you,

and then hunt down

your family and kill them.

[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]

I'm thinking.

[ CHUCKLING ]

[ BRIAN ]

First you lose your girl.

Now you're gonna

lose your head.

You're running out of sh*t

to lose.

Baba, Johnny,

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