Rock the Kasbah Page #7

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You know, probably.

But I found this girl in a cave.

And I heard her, and...

I just got to know, man.

I just got to know.

And don't you wanna know?

I already know.

This conversation

never happened, okay?

Salima!

Salima!

Salima!

[ WOMAN SINGING

IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

[ CONTINUES ]

[ SHOUTING ]

[ HORNS HONKING ]

[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]

[ DAOUD SPEAKING DARI ]

You okay? Oh, I think

I'm bleeding somewhere.

I am going to brain this guy.

Salima Khan! Salima Khan!

[ CHEERING ]

[ GUNSHOTS ]

[ TARIQ SHOUTING IN PASHTO ]

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

[ FADES ]

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

Salima Khan! Salima Khan!

She did it! You did it!

We're in!

What?

Salima Khan! Salima Khan!

Salima Khan!

[ WOMAN VOCALIZING ]

Technically, the daddy

did threaten to cut off my head.

That was before his lambkin

made it to the final round.

Hey, he will put your head

on a spike.

Come on. Babe, please.

Face-to-face? I own him.

Everything all right?

I have to go to work.

Work?

But you said that you retired.

You-You said

you discovered Madonna.

I don't have a choice.

None.

So you're just gonna have to

trust me on this, Richie.

Or not.

What kind of warlord

throws a pool party on a weekday?

So... you wanna

say something?

- Yeah.

- Okay. Say it.

What is a beauty like you

doing with a goof like me?

You never heard

of "a Merci f***"?

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ HONKING ]

May I ask you one favor?

Okay.

Don't do the Marilyn

wig thing with the scarves.

Just save that for us.

I feel like that was our special deal.

I will see you tomorrow.

I have a lot of emotion

tied into it.

[ BRIAN ] We are returning to the

picturesque Pashtun village.

Although without backup.

But this time

for twice my initial fee.

You need a hook,

Mr. Bombay.

There's a million

mercenary memoirs out there.

I'm sorry.

This is what I do.

Yeah. What you do

is talk sh*t.

[ CELL PHONE:
RINGTONE ]

I could get you

in a bidding situation.

[ RIZA ]

Miss Merci.

House of pain.

Me and this Pashtun girl,

we're in the hot tub with two guys.

Oh, Lord.

With Azam Ghol

and this... this Nizar.

All right. Just give me

the gory details.

Richie, shut up.

Listen to me.

Those bullets that

you sold to Salima's father...

I don't know

if they're, like, bad.

They won't fire.

They're old.

Richie, it was all a setup.

Do you hear me?

You delivered

the bad bullets for them.

They used you, Richie.

You were the f***ing patsy.

And Nizar's gonna kill Salima.

He's a crazy man.

He kept screaming about it.

She's, like, a whore,

an infidel, whatever.

And you put her on TV,

Richie.

They're gonna f***ing kill her.

They're gonna kill her father,

take over the village,

and you've got to do something.

Do you get it?

Thanks for the tip, honey.

See you soon. Gotta go.

Richie? Richie?

Slight change of plans.

Let's go back to Kabul.

What?

We're not gonna go get her?

What?

Your handshake is your word.

You shook her hand.

You tell Salima

that your word is bond.

Richie,

you are her manager.

Sh*t.

Stop.

What?

Just stop the car.

Stop. Stop!

[ ENGINE STOPS ]

Hey! The f***?

What's happening?

What the hell?

I never discovered Madonna.

[ RIZA ]

What?

I never handled

a real headliner.

I did have Eddie Money, but it was back

when he was Eddie Mahoney.

It was long before

"Two Tickets To Paradise."

I made a few bucks.

I nailed a couple

of hot publicists.

But I also gave up

a daughter I love.

But, gentlemen,

Riza is right.

There are four

sacred bonds in this life:

A parent and child,

a husband and wife,

a priest and confessor...

and manager-talent.

What about doctor-patient?

[ RIZA ]

Or lawyer-client.

Not sacred.

[ SIGHS ]

Now, Salima...

is my act.

She's mine.

I am her manager.

And my act needs me.

Now.

[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]

[ RIZA ]

"You stole my daughter."

Yes. But you raised her.

[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]

And you raised her...

- to honor and celebrate...

- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]

your family,

your country and your God.

[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]

And if you didn't truly believe that,

wouldn't she be dead by now?

[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]

[ SPITS ]

Hang on. It gets worse.

[ SHOUTS IN PASHTO ]

Understandable.

We are your only chance.

"We?"

Yeah.

There is no "we."

I'm done with you.

That's enough.

When were you going to tell me?

Was it a big surprise or something?

Something you were gonna

spring on me?

It just hit me.

This is your killer hook.

This is your final chapter

of your best-selling book, right here.

Oh, my book. My book.

You mean my posthumous book.

The one that you're gonna make

all the money off of...

after these guys shoot me

about a thousand times?

There is no deal, Hollywood.

[ RICHIE ] All right. All right.

I never do this.

If you ever tell anyone I did this,

I'll deny it.

But I'm gonna cut my fee.

There'll be no Richie 35

on this one.

There'll be Richie 15,

and we're still both gonna do great.

Because this is golden.

Brian, you don't

wanna be the guy...

that left the Alamo.

You are a piece of work.

Thank you.

My posthumous book...

I wonder what you'll call it.

Chief, this is for you.

[ RIZA SPEAKS DARI ]

[ BRIAN SPEAKS DARI ]

In that truck is all the ammunition

you will ever need.

- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]

- And my bullets work.

- Now come on back here with me.

- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]

[ CHATTERING IN PASHTO ]

[ BRIAN ] That's for you. Brand new.

There you go.

Careful with that.

[ CHATTERING IN PASHTO ]

[ WOMAN SPEAKING PASHTO ]

[ MAN SPEAKING PASHTO ]

- Thanks for not killing me.

- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]

[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]

What did he say?

The day is not over yet.

Pretty good.

[ WIND WHISTLING ]

Richie.

Hi.

In all the excitement,

I forgot to congratulate you.

[ SALIMA CHUCKLES ]

You won.

I told you.

Yeah.

And that was nothing.

I had a killer arrangement

for the finals.

Strings. Gospel choir.

Wall of sound. Huge.

You would have won in a walk.

Salima, honey,

you were the best I ever heard.

You saw it all.

Well...

[ CHUCKLES ] Except for this part.

Richie, this, right now...

This will be the best part.

The dying part?

[ CHUCKLES ] Not the dying part.

The living.

You... You folks

from the mystic East...

have a much better handle

on the whole karma, life/death thing.

Rumi writes,

"There's a candle in your heart,

ready to be kindled."

There's a void in your soul,

ready to be filled.

"You feel it, don't you?"

Richie.

You will.

I...

I promise

you will feel it.

[ VOCALIZING ]

[ VOCALIZING CONTINUES ]

[ MAN ]

Mama, take this badge off of me

I can't use it anymore

It's getting dark,

too dark to see

I feel I'm knocking

on heaven's door

Knock, knock, knocking

on heaven's door

Knock, knock, knocking

on heaven's door

Knock, knock, knocking

on heaven's door

Knock, knock, knocking

on heaven's door

This is nuts!

I'm not a fighter.

I'm a deal maker.

I'm gonna go make a deal.

You just gotta love this guy.

[ CHUCKLES ]

These guys have no idea

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