Rocket Science Page #7

even, perhaps especially in places

like Trenton, New Jersey;

And C:
That while this life

here is infinitely preferable

to the wretchedness

of the suburbs,

it's also not quite what

I must have had in mind

and maybe I miss some of

the mundane thrills of policy debate.

Yeah, I mean,

all of that.

This goes against

my better judgment.

It does. But what we'll

need is one Affirmative case

and one all-purpose

Negative counterplan.

We can't do a year's worth

of work in one month,

so we'll concentrate on

those two lines of attack.

You'll have to arrange

with your parents...

do you have parents?

Oh, yeah,

I have a...

a mom that I see

most days and...

and I see my dad

some weekends.

You'll have to come to some

arrangement with them

or else let go of trying to

so that you can spend

evenings and weekends here.

We'll register as

a home-schooled team.

My grandmother will sign

whatever official paperwork is required.

But all such considerations

wait on our priority,

and that's finding

you your voice.

Suddenly, Trenton was

a different city;

no longer a dead end

but a starting place.

Trenton:

The very city

of triumph.

Fire when ready!

This isn't... this isn't

very good for

one's spirit.

I can't hear you!

It's... it's

spirit-crushing, I said.

Fine.

What should I say?

Give me your standard

Affirmative opening.

Yeah.

You know, I haven't really said it

enough for it to really be...

for it to be standard.

Throw me the cello!

Uh...

Let's get down and dirty.

Let's get down...

Let's... let's get...

let's get, uh...

let's get...

let us... let us...

uh, okay, let's just...

let... let us...

It's a riddle.

Yeah, yeah.

What it is is one of

those rare instances

where one of us having an advanced

college-degree might actually help.

I won't whisper.

It's a trick,

but it's... it's, uh...

it's crap.

It's a crap trick.

And I won't...

I won't do an accent,

however good...

however... however...

however good I

may be at them.

So that just leaves...

that's... that's just...

that's just singing.

Singing my speeches.

And then...

and after that,

arran... arranging to

have my...

have my... my...

have my ashes scattered

over the Plainsboro

Municipal Pond.

You know, I've...

I've thought about

the whole... the singing,

and, uh...

I don't think

I can do it,

the song thing.

This is

"The Battle Hymn of the Republic. "

We might prefer something

more modern, I realize,

but this is the only piece

I can play all the way through.

What you're gonna do

is just learn the song well

enough to keep it in your head,

to let it flow through you

as you speak-sing

your speeches.

And we'll write

to fit the rhyme.

We think our case

will state

that sex is bound

to be explored...

- Abs... abstinence is the catalyst...

- Breathe.

- Breathe first.

- Abstinence is the catalyst...

...to... to support

such a... such a...

- a far-ranging... platform.

- I got it.

Go away!

That's Dad's.

I thought you could use

a bigger suitcase...

one with an actual handle.

I swear, Penelope,

I don't know what you would do

without someone in this family

who can steal and then organize.

Could I have

a request, Earl?

If... if I win today,

could we say...

could we say that

you... you'll stop calling me

with girls' names?

Could we say that, if I win?

Let's not push it,

shall we?

Besides, Penelope's

my favorite girl's name.

All right, well,

could we... could we

maybe just leave it

with Penelope then?

Yeah, we can do that.

Thank you and welcome

to the 43rd Annual New Jersey

State Debate Championships.

There are 22 schools

represented here

from every region

in the state.

Every preliminary round

through the semifinals

will take place

in the classrooms

in the adjacent

academic buildings.

You'll only return to this auditorium

at the end of the day

for the final round

and the presentation

of the trophy.

Now, before we begin,

I want you to give yourselves

a big round of applause.

That's right.

Now, pairings for the first

three rounds are randomized.

Then they're weighted

by win-lose record.

Would you sign this?

It's my favorite

brief of the year.

It says that abstinence

leads to a global crisis

in mental health.

Aren't you that Chinese boy?

I'm K-Korean, yes.

And just... just so... just so

that you're... that you're aware,

it's really ignorant to lump us

all into one category like that.

You all can't win,

but you are all winners.

Good luck to you.

You think our case

will state that sex

is bound to be explored,

that adding funds

for abstinence

is what I will

have roared.

But such a case has been

heard so much that we are bored.

Our plan is, thus,

not that.

Our... our...

uh... uh...

our... our...

our government can best

support teaching abstinence

by refraining from

the common and ugly arrogance.

Instead of telling us

we should never do the dance

they should adopt this plan:

Amend the Constitution

so that no one over 20

can serve in government,

there'll be only kids a-plenty.

We'll... we'll...

write the laws and fix sex ed,

and it won't cost a penny.

That's our basic plan.

What we'll...

what we'll...

what we'll do is create

a new federal government

where teenagers are only... are... are

the only... the only

voices of authority.

By doing so... we'll help...

we'll help create

a... a wider consensus

among teens.

It's a more... it's a more dem...

it's more... it's more...

it's a more democratic system

and democracy is

the very basis for love

as we'll argue below

in the rest of my song-speech.

Now, please...

please turn to...

contingent...

contingent one of our plan.

Now... now... now, this one's

a little harder to get the whole...

the whole... the kinda...

the... the rhyme scheme for it,

because... uh, because

of all the quotes that say...

that have "sexologist" in them

which isn't really...

it doesn't... it doesn't

really rhyme with too much.

But it basically...

it basically goes like this:

The role... the role

of the sexologist...

Gentlemen, come with me.

- Ben.

- Marsha.

The bow tie,

the pretty boutonniere?

- Yes, sir, it stirs the pot a little.

- For me too, Coach.

- No, don't do that.

- Excuse me, Coach?

I'm... I'm... I'm like...

I'm a minute into my...

into my opening.

And, uh... well, uh...

well, I've... well, uh...

well, I'm killing in there.

Aren't I killing?

I've heard worse.

She's...

she's heard worse.

There was an objection raised

to your entering here today.

And the New Jersey League officials

have already voted on it

and it doesn't feel altogether

great to have to tell you this.

You're not home-schooled,

Mr. Hefner.

And working most days

at a dry-cleaner's, Mr. Wekselbaum,

means that you're not either.

You've been barred

from the competition.

You're welcome to stay

and observe if you like.

You know, we... we, uh...

might have actually

won the whole thing.

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