Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth Page #2

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"You can't sh*t outside.

You can only sh*t when you get in."

Then that moment

when you push through the turnstile

and it's just you and Him.

"How are you doing?

I've heard a lot about you.

I'm Rodney. I guess I should ask,

how much do you know?"

[laughter]

I imagine God looking like Clint Eastwood.

You know, the real cool one from the '70s.

Where he sits with a toothpick

in his mouth and pulls it out,

and says, "I know everything."

We're going to be here a while.

[laughter]

I'll pull my pants down and point,

and He's going to go,

"F***, I wondered where you were.

Get in here, you were too quick.

I couldn't catch you when you ran off.

Billy, he's here. You know,

the one I told you about. Nothing there.

Get him a beanbag chair

and something to drink.

Tell him we're sorry

and tell him where the shitter is."

[laughter]

Everything we laugh at,

God has something to do with.

He created the penis,

stuck it on the first man.

Looked at it, stared, wondered

and pondered, and thought,

"Ah, f***. Looks weird by itself.

I have to put something under it."

[laughter, whooping]

Wouldn't you like to have seen

the stuff He sketched out,

long before he decided

on what he decided on?

It must have been awful

for him to come to the conclusion

that a sack with two balls

and hair all over it was his best option.

[laughter]

Because at some point he went,

"Yeah, girls will love that."

[laughter]

I ain't met one that said, "Could you slap

those against my chin a little faster?"

"I must admit, you are a rare bird!

I might have to see you again, Darlene."

[laughter]

Aren't you glad he put it

where he put it, right here,

and not right here?

"You going to eat?"

"No, my balls stink."

"I gag every time I chew. Oh, f***!

But I can lick them."

"Quit licking your balls

at the dinner table.

Your dick is getting hard

and we have guests."

[laughter]

That's what I did.

It's amazing that we stay together.

We're so different.

I grew up with three young sisters.

I know a lot about you women.

You bleed 84 days out of the year.

And you stink.

Now, I'm not being shitty.

I'm just telling you the truth.

I can tell whether a woman is

on her period just by the way she smells.

I know. I didn't want that f***ing talent.

[laughter]

God gave me that. Who wants

that f***ing talent? I'll give it to you.

You walk past me in a grocery store,

I'll go, "Yep, she's on it."

A lot of you going, "That's horseshit."

Flip on the lights,

I'll sniff a few of you out.

[laughter]

Be real still. If you cover with your hand

I'll sniff through it.

I can smell up to 70 feet, alright?

A lot of women over here are going,

"Dear God, please don't let this happen."

And I'm not going to embarrass you.

But there's a few of you,

right in this area right here.

Right out of the damn box,

I can smell you.

You bleed 84 days out of the year,

you don't even get dizzy. That's amazing.

I cut my finger on the onion chopper

and went, "What the f***?"

[laughter]

We're not talking a finger prick

on an onion chopper,

we're talking about

a hatchet wound to the crotch.

That bleeds so much, you have to pack it

full of gauze to get it to go away.

[laughter]

And you do. You pack that sucker

full of gauze and go get the kids.

You pack it full of gauze

and you go to the grocery store.

Because you're

an angry, bloody, f***ing soldier.

[laughter]

I'm surprised more women don't say:

"I just can't take this sh*t.

I bleed. I stink. I want it gone.

If you can just f*** me in the ass..."

"Do you know how much I love you?"

[laughter]

"I know how much courage it took

for you to come to me and say that.

And I will f*** you in the ass...

until death do we part.

I love you."

I've seen childbirth

three times in person.

Something else men wouldn't tolerate.

That math equation will never be able

to be answered in your head.

The fact that you can take your thing

and stick it in her thing,

and squirt something on some thing,

and nine months later,

something squirts out of your twat

and costs a million dollars.

[laughter]

You don't think about that.

And then when it comes out

it's that long, and about that big around.

Right out of your twat.

Not a marble. I've seen that.

[laughter]

That looks effortless.

You've got to go...

You've got to go in line to see that.

Fellas, if you walk into the bedroom

with a little sandwich bag full of marbles

you're going to catch a little sh*t.

Hold them up, shake them at her.

[female voice] "What are you doing?"

[male voice] "Well, I was online yesterday

and something made my dick real hard.

So I was going to see

if you might want to participate."

"What is it?"

"Well...

See, I got these eight marbles

over at Walgreens.

I soaked them in hydrogen peroxide

so they're bacteria-free.

I was going to have you

stick them in your twat,

and have you spit them out one by one

with your little p*ssy muscle,

and I was going to position myself

where I could watch it,

and jack off on your forehead."

[laughter]

"Doesn't that sound like fun?

I can kind of tell by the look on

your face, you're not real into it, so..."

[laughter]

"I'm going to go get myself a pop tart."

[laughter]

You cannot watch pornography

when you're married.

There's a couple of reasons.

Number one, your spouse cannot compete

with what's on the internet.

And nor should he ever have to.

[laughter]

If we believe the internet,

we have to believe

that every dick is a foot long.

And if that's the case,

I'm going to have to move to China.

[laughter]

[Chinese voice]

"You've got big dick, cowboy."

"Only here, Chingaling, only here.

Back in the States, I'm all balls."

[laughter]

What happens when you watch pornography

is, it's never enough.

Fellas, you know this.

You sick motherfuckers.

Because I'm one of you. It's never enough.

If you watch pornography,

it is never enough.

You might find something you like

and go back to it ten times.

But eventually, it ain't weird enough.

It ain't weird enough. You know why?

Same part of your brain that operates

when you watch pornography:

same part of your brain that operates

when you get hooked on heroin.

Yeah.

I learned this in church.

[laughter]

That's the truth. Think about it.

Nobody starts with heroin.

You start with wine coolers,

work your way up.

Wine coolers, beer, whiskey,

pot, cocaine, pills...

After that you're shooting up,

you've lost maybe 70 pounds,

there's teeth missing,

you're in a dark alley,

and there might be a dick in your butt.

[laughter]

That's your only bargaining power.

"Did you bring my sh*t?"

"I brought your sh*t. Shut up."

Most of us stop short of that level,

for obvious reasons.

"F*** that, I'm just going

to drink whiskey."

What happens when you watch

pornography, same deal.

It starts out innocent,

just like a wine cooler.

First, it's just some woman

sitting on the edge of a bath tub,

rubbing baby oil on her titty.

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