Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth Page #3

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Your wife might even watch it with you.

"I know why you watch that.

She's got big titties, and I know you,

and she's pretty,

and she's rubbing baby oil all over her."

But eight months down the road,

your wife ain't there. She's at work.

You've been sitting behind the screen,

your breath smells like crackers

and grape juice.

All you've been doing

is snacking and jacking.

[laughter]

You're not looking at some woman

rubbing oil on her titties.

You're looking at a four-foot Asian

with a catfish stuck in her ass.

The tail is wagging,

as it struggles to stay alive.

Even you can't believe how weird you are.

"What the f*** is wrong with me?"

[laughter]

Jesus. F***!

Your wife is the same way.

"What is wrong with you?

We've been married 20 years.

You come in the bedroom. I'm naked.

You don't get a hard-on. What the f***

is that goddamn fish doing in here?"

[laughter]

Somehow you find a way to make it work.

Every one of you bastards has got

some weird sh*t you do in the bedroom

that the PTA don't know nothing about.

You're all bubbles at school.

"How you doing? I had it in my ass

about two hours ago."

You don't say that, but you did.

I know you.

You find a way to make it work,

and you should.

There's nothing on the other side.

I'm telling you, I'm there right now.

You know what's on the other side?

Young and dumb, and old and crazy.

There's these young girls out there going,

"I just want to travel the world."

Well, you work at Arby's.

It's going to be a while.

[laughter]

Then you've got middle-aged women

whose husband ran off and left them,

because he thought the grass was greener,

only to find out it was poison ivy.

[laughter]

And she's gained 30 pounds since college,

and she's just a basket case.

"I don't know if anybody is

going to love me again.

I don't know if anybody is

going to love me again."

Well, not with that attitude, Sybil.

Put down the donut, get on a treadmill.

Life's going on, here we go.

Pull it together.

It makes no sense.

You have the most powerful

bargaining chip on the planet.

You have a p*ssy.

[women whoop]

Yes. See, only two of you know about it.

[laughter]

The rest of you act like,

"What did he say? What?"

If I had what you had, why...

I'd be a whore!

[laughter]

I would walk into my apartment complex

and go, "I'm not paying my rent."

"We're going to throw you out."

I'd say, "You sure about that?"

[laughter]

And I would fiddle with my clitoris.

[laughter]

"Well, I guess you can stay

for another six months."

You can't pull your balls out

and get a free month. It ain't happening.

[laughter]

You're so lucky.

As a woman you could have

no arms and no legs,

and your head could be on backwards,

and somebody would still f*** you.

That's how lucky you are.

As a man in the same predicament,

all you could do is rock back and forth

and go, "Why?"

Why?

Hello?

If you have giant tits

you have an advantage in life.

Even retarded people know this.

[women whoop]

If you have a D-cup size or bigger,

your face could have caught on fire

when you were seven,

and your brother could have broke a shovel

trying to put that motherf***er out,

and you're still going to be OK.

Somebody would go, "Dry them tears,

that fire didn't get them nipples.

[laughter]

God damn,

it took your lips off though, didn't it?

You look like a barracuda."

[laughter]

I know a lot of women out there:

"But we want equal pay!"

You could have had ten times the pay

if you used your noggin and your puss!

If every one of you girls

locked arms on the planet,

and stood on top of Mount Kilimanjaro,

wherever the f*** that is,

and hollered down:

"We ain't coming down until we get

ten times the amount of pay as men get!"

It might take six or eight months,

but eventually you would hear us

at the bottom of the mountain.

Alright!

[laughter]

F***!

Come on down!

And bring that p*ssy with you.

Alright, men, listen.

They're coming.

When they get down here, grab one

and go f*** the sh*t out of them.

When the last man is done,

we're going to tell them we were

just kidding about all that pay sh*t.

[laughter]

They're going to get agitated

and run back up that mountain.

We're going to have seven months

of peace and tranquility,

fishing, golfing, hunting,

and then we're going to figure out

some idea to f*** them for Christmas.

How does that sound?

[whooping, cheering]

You with me?

That's right.

These are jokes. If you learn anything,

it's a goddamn accident.

You girls are pissed:

"See how they are? This is bullshit.

We come off the mountain, they f*** us,

and then f*** us again."

[laughter]

Yeah, pretty much.

The fact of the matter is,

we can't live without you.

We like you. A lot.

Here's one thing we'd like you to do.

We'd like you to quit trying to maintain

your birth weight of eight pounds.

[laughter]

Society has dictated to you that you've

got to look like a goddamn skeleton.

No man I know, love, or care about,

or respect, wants to f*** a skeleton.

[cheering, whistling]

Or...

some muscled-up woman who looks

like a goddamn track star named Kevin.

"Hey, Bill, how's that girl you're dating?

That one that looks like Kevin."

[laughter]

"How's that?"

"Yucky."

"F***ing yucky, isn't it? F***ing yucky."

Yuck. A man goes down a raft,

he likes handles.

Likes to hold on. It's more fun that way.

Goes down a river, he wants

a raft with handles, right here.

He wants to reach round

above your bush and hold your cooch.

Another thing. Quit shaving your twat.

After 40 it's beat to sh*t.

You need hair on that.

[laughter]

After 40, it looks like

a sea urchin out of a shell.

You need some f***ing hair, alright?

It don't need to go down your leg

to your ankles,

but it can be shaved

in a f***ing triangle, like the '70s.

You goddamn older women: "I shaved my..."

F***! Stop. F***ing stop.

[laughter]

You're always on a diet.

"You want some cake?"

"No. I am dieting."

"Well, I didn't know.

I saw you eat pecan pie last night."

"You motherf***er!"

[laughter]

I can't tell if you're mad

because you got caught, or what.

And women take that sh*t seriously.

You better be able to recognize

when they've been dieting, even for a day.

[female voice] "You son of a b*tch,

can't you see I'm starving?

I didn't eat a goddamn thing all day.

I am f***ing shaking."

"Well, go eat something."

"No! That's how I got like this."

[laughter]

You come home with ten Lean Cuisines,

fired up from Doctor Oz,

and throw them on the counter.

"What are you going to do with those?"

"I'm going to try to diet,

if I can get some support in this house."

[laughter]

"What about that trampoline in front of

our closet that you never jumped on?

When are you going to hop on that,

Cheryl Tiegs?"

[laughter]

"I stub my toe on it every morning,

getting dressed."

"You know what? This is exactly

what I'm talking about, right here.

This is why I can't lose weight."

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