Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth Page #4

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"Are you f***ing serious right now?"

[laughter]

"I'm the reason you're chubarilla?"

Now, you don't say that, because

you've got a goddamn brain in your head.

When you've been married a long time,

there's only a few words.

And these are them:

"I know. You're right.

I should have listened better.

I'll get the kids.

Don't worry.

You look pretty.

I love you.

Go look in my wallet."

Yeah. You know why you know that?

Because when you were young,

youthful pride had no filter

when you argued with your wife.

You would go, "F*** you!"

You ever say "F*** you"

to the woman you love?

Yeah, isn't that magical,

how that works out?

[laughter]

When you say "F*** you" to your wife,

or the woman you love,

you have just booked yourself a ticket

to No-P*ssy-Ville.

And it's a long walk.

Twelve hundred miles,

and your buddies are there.

It's like The Island of Misfit Toys.

You go to No-P*ssy-Ville,

you come back a changed man.

When you come back, you are changed.

[laughter]

Hi.

[laughter]

Look, I'm sorry that I said "F*** you"

six months ago.

I meant to say, "I love you,"

and it came out, "F*** you."

[laughter]

And I'm sorry.

I'll never do it again.

And she'll tell you, you are sorry.

"You think you're going

to waltz in and apologize?

And hop back on me

and get inside Momma's little biscuit?"

[laughter]

"I didn't say anything about a biscuit.

"Well, that's good

because you're not getting any of this

until you're back in this: my heart."

"How long is that going to f***ing take?"

[laughter]

Instead you say to her,

"I'm going to diet with you."

And when you say it you're like,

"Why the hell did I say that?"

Men don't like to diet.

We don't care if our buddies are fat.

Our fat buddies are our funnest buddies.

Because they're happy. You know why?

Because they're f***ing full.

[laughter]

Yeah. They think diabetes is an island

in the f***ing Caribbean somewhere.

"Me and Laura are going down to Diabetes

in June. You want to go?"

[laughter]

Men don't tell each other we're fat.

We don't go:

"Jim, God damn,

eat a chicken salad, fat-ass.

You look like hell."

It's not until our women tell us,

"You're fat,"

that a man goes, "What?

How long?"

"A long time."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because we walk past the same mirror

every morning, you dumb-ass. That's why."

[laughter]

Men, you don't know you're fat.

I'm going to help you.

You go home tonight,

lay down on your bed. No pillow.

Alright? It's important, no pillow.

Like this, flat. Just like this.

This is how you're going to lay.

Look straight at the ceiling,

and when you're laying down,

it's as skinny as you can get.

It's as skinny as you can get.

Have your wife come in,

and she's going to get up on her elbow

and jack you off, like this.

If while you're there,

out of your peripheral vision,

you can't see her hand or arm moving...

[laughter]

...that's how you know you're a fat-ass.

[cheering]

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t. Alright.

Show's over! Son of a b*tch.

Another way you can tell you're fat:

when you've got to use your legs

to throw yourself up, like that.

[he chuckles]

God damn.

I've got to quit telling stories

where I lay down.

[laughter]

"We saw him. That f***er laid down,

never got up again. We had to leave."

Look,

there's moments in marriage

where you look at each other and go,

"I ought to kill you

in your goddamn sleep."

That is completely normal.

It is normal. It's a feeling.

It will pass. Do not act on it.

There's going to be a moment, fellas,

walking with your wife..

You might even be at the zoo.

And her shorts are too short, and you

notice that her ass is goddamn gigantic.

And you also notice that you're married.

It comes to you:
"I'm married to that."

And you're going to get

really, really sad.

You're not even going to want

to look at the animals.

"Honey, come look at the monkeys."

"No, God damn, woman."

Then you go home, look in the mirror,

and you're not much of a prize either.

And you're going to find a way

to love her again.

You probably fantasize

about what's out there.

"Something younger."

You don't want that sh*t. I've had it.

When you get divorced, it's like

the Coast Guard hovers over your house.

Nobody sees divorce coming.

You might think about it,

but you don't see it coming.

Helicopter flies over your house.

You're mowing.

A guy drops down, grabs you,

pulls you up in the helicopter.

He slaps the f*** out of you,

puts a lifejacket on you, flies you to

the middle of the ocean, throws you out.

And you just swim. You don't know

what the f*** just happened.

You've just been taken out

of your whole life. Can't see land.

You make the dumbest decisions

you'll ever make during this time.

Something floats by, you eat it,

only to find out it's a turd.

[laughter]

These are the kind of things you do.

You drink more than you normally drink.

During this time, I met a girl

who was 20 years younger.

We went out to clubs...

[loud booming]

"What the f*** am I doing

in this goddamn place?"

There's nothing you have in common

with a woman 20 years your junior.

You know why? Because when

you're 47 years old, you've lived life.

You've been to funerals, weddings...

You cry at a Hallmark commercial.

They look at you: "Why are you crying?"

"Because I've lived life.

You're f***ing 12."

[laughter]

I would share a good life story

with her, at dinner.

She'd look at me like a hung moon,

and then go...

I was looking for something else from her.

The reason you're with your wife is

because she says something you respect.

She has an opinion that reminds you

that you're a f***ing idiot,

and you're like, "Damn it,

I need her in my life."

But we're sitting there, and she would go:

"You've just got to stay positive.

I'd say, "God damn,

you dug deep for that one, didn't you?"

[laughter]

It was all I could do,

not to take the fork out of her hand

and just stab her in the goddamn forehead.

[laughter]

Protect other men

from that kind of stupidity.

But then we would go home.

And she would take off all her clothes.

[sings choral melody]

[sings in Latin]

[sings high note, people cheer]

Her skin was not yet reptilian, like mine.

You do not want to be dating after 45.

You're introducing more than yourself.

You're thinking, "When do I tell her about

the toenail that looks like a corn chip?"

[laughter]

"Or the mole on my back

that has an Afro on top of it?"

Yeah, it's not pleasant.

The woman you have now, she goes,

"Look at that nasty goddamn toe."

She'll still f*** you

after you leave the beach.

But a new one goes,

"Oh! No, can't do that. F*** you."

Her skin was not yet reptilian.

It was perfect.

At 25, you're gorgeous.

Her tits went, "What?"

Totally different than the ones

I was used to that went,

"Hey, Rodney, how you doing there, buddy?"

[laughter]

"We've been hanging around

waiting on you."

Like big dog ears hanging off,

with a nipple right at the end.

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