Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth Page #5

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I reached between her legs, it felt like a

baby horse taking a peanut out of my hand.

I went, "What the...

That thing's starving.

I'm going to get some more peanuts."

[laughter]

She said to me, "Lets f***."

My dick heard her and went, "No!"

[high voice]

"No, I don't want to f***.

I don't want to f***.

I'm scared."

She said, "Is something wrong?"

and I started to cry.

When you're on a girl

and your dick doesn't work,

you have to cry

or they think you're queer.

[laughter]

I called the doctor I play golf with.

I said, "Merlon, meet me at IHOP."

This was the next morning.

I tell him the story,

he gives me a smoker's laugh.

[wheezing laugh]

He says, "Are you still taking

that medicine I gave you?"

Two months earlier on the golf course,

out of the back seat of his car

he throws me a bottle of pills.

"Take these for a while.

You won't give a sh*t about nothing."

I took them.

Then two weeks later

I watched my dog get run over and went...

[chuckles goofily]

Then I went, "F***,

these motherfuckers are serious."

[laughter]

You don't give a sh*t about nothing.

But one of the side-effects

is that your dick gets cerebral palsy.

It just lays on your ball sack,

like it's a beanbag chair,

and smokes little cigarettes.

[stoner voice]

"What's going on, man?

I don't f*** no more, man.

I just sit here, man."

Yeah. Not fun.

He said, "Cut the dose,

I'll call in some Viagra."

I said, "Merlon, I know you and your wife.

I've had dinner at your house.

I'm not going to be Sunday night funnies

over how Rodney's on weenie pills.

F*** off."

He took a hunk out of his sausage

and went, "Suit yourself."

I said, "If you call them in,

what time will they be ready?"

[laughter]

Men, there comes a time

in a lot of your lives,

some of you in here, maybe many,

where the doctor says to you,

"Jim, you're just going to have

to take a pill to make your dick work."

When a man hears this,

it is a day of reckoning.

It is a three-day stare

out a f***ing window.

You think to yourself, "Maybe I ought

to just buy a metal detector

and start collecting rocks

and stupid sh*t."

[laughter]

And at some point

you pull yourself up by the bootstraps,

and you drive down to Walgreens

and you pick up your medicine.

You drive through, you don't walk in.

Nobody walks in for weenie pills.

"Howdy, girls. The name's Dick Don't-Work.

Maybe you've heard of me.

Give me 20 minutes. I'm in a Lexus

out front. I'm going to chip a tooth."

[laughter]

No, nobody walks in. You drive through.

And you hope you don't know

the pharmacist, like I do.

Richard, 67 years old, sitting in there,

and I'm thinking,

"I'll pull in, get right out."

He sees me.

There must be 15 people in there.

He holds up the sack and goes,

"Caught up with you, didn't it, boy?"

[laughter]

And through the window he sees me go,

"F*** you, Richard, f*** you!

F*** you, Richard!"

I pulled out of there, hit the bricks,

and just tear the side-view mirror

right off my truck.

Ran over it with my back tire.

I pull into the parking lot

to read the side-effects.

"Heart palpitations, dizziness, death."

I thought, "F***, I can handle it."

[laughter]

Then I saw how much I paid for it.

A hundred and eighty-seven dollars.

I thought, "God damn, I must have

a four-year supply of this sh*t."

I pulled out the bottle. You didn't

even have to count. There were eight.

I was like, "What the...

Is there chewing gum,

or ointment, or something?"

I thought, "Surely he got sidetracked

and didn't put them all in there."

So hell, I pulled back around.

"Get over here."

He comes up the window. "What is it?"

I said, "There's eight.

She's 25.

Not 75.

You send me home with eight, I'll be back

at 6:
30, throw eight more back in there."

[laughter]

He said, "You can't eat them like that.

They'll kill you."

I said, "Do you just eat one a month?"

He said, "No, eat one

every time you want to do it.

You had better know

when you're going to do it, too."

Yeah, that last part is important.

[laughter]

If you're at the bar

and you've got it in a holster,

and it's about to go down,

you start chewing it up.

Stay another hour,

you have to eat another

and it's going to cost you 50 dollars

to f*** somebody.

[laughter]

The good news is, women in their 50s

and older don't care about sh*t like this.

They're just glad something exists.

They will tell you, "I might want some

of that dick of yours in about 45 minutes.

So if you want to chew your pill,

I'll fix you a glass of wine.

How does that sound?"

[laughter]

With young girls, no warning. They might

want to f*** by the cantaloupe at Reser's.

You can't eat that sh*t fast enough.

"Oh, f***."

They need an epipen of that sh*t,

where you go...

"Is this what you want?

I think it's what you've been wanting."

Yeah.

These young girls have seen pornography.

It's on their phone.

Don't let them fool you.

They think they're actresses.

She's looking back at me: "Ooh, Daddy!"

I'm like, "I ain't your daddy,

you pervert weirdo."

[laughter]

"Turn your head around, look ahead,

try to enjoy yourself."

She's screaming, "F*** me harder!"

I go, "I'm f***ing you with all I've got."

What do you want me to do,

back up and get a running start?"

[laughter]

"My back hurts. I'm dizzy.

I feel like I'm going to throw up, here."

Everybody knows,

after 45 we don't f*** like this.

We sit in a chair and you ride.

[laughter]

We could die back there.

[woman whoops]

[more women whoop]

I took this girl to Disney World.

[sings] Because I'm an idiot

I'm a moron

July, Orlando, Florida.

Two thousand degrees, down there.

I saw the devil down there,

drinking lighter fluid.

[laughter]

We're walking through Disney World:

"God damn, let's just go back to the hotel

and drink a margarita in the shade.

This is f***ing ridiculous."

She goes, "I want to ride more rides.

That's why we came. I want to ride rides."

I said, "Just tell me

you've lost all your baby teeth."

[laughter]

"Tell me you've lost

all your f***ing baby teeth."

She's like, "Yeah, duh!"

Later that night,

I was sitting outside Epcot.

They have a 35-minute fireworks display.

It's nice.

And I'm watching it, drinking whiskey out

of a plastic cup I brought from the room.

And she's sitting next to me in a pair

of Mickey Mouse ears, eating a sucker.

[laughter]

Drunker than Otis from Andy Griffith.

She says, "Am I too young for you?"

I didn't even miss a beat. I went, "Yeah."

She said, "Why?"

I said, "24 years ago I could have saw you

in a mall in a baby carriage.

I could have walked up to you with

my buddies and said, 'You see that baby?

One of these days...

I'm gonna f*** that baby.'"

[laughter]

"And I can't get over how goddamn weird

that makes me feel."

And it wasn't 20 minutes after that,

we was on the balcony up in that suite.

She's bent over the railing.

I had my dick in her butt.

Well, what are you gonna do?

[laughter]

You're going to stay married, that's what.

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