Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth Page #6

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And I'm going to sing some songs for you.

[big cheer]

[wolf whistling]

Thanks for coming out here tonight.

I could use the money.

I know a lot of you f***ers, and after

all those bar tabs I've paid for,

I get it all back tonight.

Thank you.

Second one. Is that right?

[strums gently in country style]

There she goes

Bitching again

Saying things she's heard

From all her friends

And it don't matter what I do

Or where the hell I've been

There she goes

Bitching again

I could have made a million dollars

I could have put it in her purse

Bought her a big old mansion

And things would just get worse

I could lasso her the moon

And throw it in with all her stuff

But she'd want to know where Neptune was

Because the moon ain't good enough

There she goes

Bitching again

Saying things she's heard

From all her friends

And it don't matter what I do

Or where the hell I've been

Oh, there she goes

Bitching again

I could have painted

the Sistine Chapel

I could have won a Nobel Prize

Built the Great Wall there in China

There would be nothing in her eyes

I could have wrote

the whole dang Bible

And read it to her twice

And she would want to know

Why the yard ain't mowed

And the fridge don't make no ice

There she goes

Bitching again

Saying things she's heard

From all her friends

It don't matter what I do

Or where the hell I've been

Oh, here she comes

Bitching again

[cheering]

Yeah!

[strums faster]

I lay my head down

With no regret

My life content now

Here, where I sit

Baby, you chose your way

I chose mine

And I get better

Like sweet red wine

You're missing out, girl

And that's okay

This dick is busy

Every night and day

Baby, I'm gone

Baby, I'm gone, long gone

Hey, bye, hey, bye-bye, hey

You could have had me

In your twat

But now, honey, I think not

Baby, I'm gone

I'm rolling tight now

Up in this club

Checking out booty

I want to rub

My choice is varied

Black, brown and white

Somebody's riding my love tonight

It could have been you, girl

But you moved on

Now does anybody else

Want to lick my ice cream cone?

Yeah, yeah, baby, I'm gone

Baby, I'm gone, long gone

Hey, bye, hey, bye-bye, hey

You could have had me

In your twat

But now, honey, baby, sugar

I think not

Baby, I'm gone

[cheering, applause]

Don't hurt yourselves.

[soft fingerpicking]

I remember the night

You rolled in in your chair

The confidence you showed

Even though people stared

I knew your legs were missing

By the knot in your pants

It didn't stop me

I asked you to dance

And I danced while you sat there

I danced while you sat there

I danced while you sat there

In your chair

I danced while you sat there

And you smiled

As I danced around your chair

You dropped your popcorn

Onto the floor

I reached down to help you pick it up

But you said you would get it yourself

So you pulled yourself down on the floor

It got weird

Because you couldn't get back up

So I danced while you lay there

I danced while you lay there

I danced while you lay there

With popcorn in your hair

I danced while you lay there

Around your chair

With popcorn in your hair

[whooping]

Thank you.

My parents are so proud of me.

I woke up this morning

Saw something on my dick

Something I didn't recognize

Damn near made me sick

Then it took off running

And behind came 20 more

Around my shaft came another herd

From my butt-hole there came more

I got crabs

I got crabs

Not the kind you eat at Joe's

But the kind to make your girlfriend mad

I got crabs

I got crabs

Not the kind you eat at Joe's

But the kind to make your girlfriend mad

I went down to Walgreens

To get poison for my crabs

Ran into my girlfriend

Man, did she look mad

In her hand she had crab shampoo

And a scrub-brush made of steel

I grabbed them both and heard her holler

"Hey, a**hole, what's the deal?"

I got crabs

I got crabs

Not the kind you eat at Joe's

But the kind to make your girlfriend mad

I got crabs

They're really bad

Not the kind you eat at Joe's

But the kind to make your girlfriend

Real mad

[cheering]

You don't want them.

Put your clothes back on

I'd rather be alone

Your thing is all worn out now

Get on home

You've had too many lovers

And they wore off the hair

There ain't no way I'm going in there

Put your clothes back on

And go on home

I should have never gone out

Should have never had a drink

Take that thing outside

It's starting to stink

Your friends done told me

Where you have been

And I feel sorry for all those men

Put your clothes on

And go on home

Yeah, get that thing away from me

It looks like something

That your dog would eat

I've seen enough

Would you set me free?

I think that thing just barked at me

Woof!

Early this morning it bit my leg

Oh, little darling

Don't make me beg

Put your clothes back on

Go on home

Oh, sh*t, I'm scared

I need medical care

I think three midgets

Just crawled out of there

I was bad before you came

Would you throw something

Over that pitiful thing

And put your clothes back on

Go on home

Yeah, won't you put your clothes on

And be careful

When you're driving home

[cheering]

For all you married folks in here

who are struggling tonight,

this song is for you.

This will bring you together.

I think.

Well, I know we got married

A long time ago

And things that once seemed new to you

Are now getting old

Well, there's something

I've been missing

Your vagina and your kissing

I'd like to do what we can do

To turn this thing around

How about we f***?

How about you suck?

How about you get a better job

So you can buy me a better truck?

How about we f***?

How about you suck?

I don't need an answer now

But while we're waiting

Can we f***?

Whoa, whoa

La, la, la

La, la, la

I know the kids

They take your time up

And you're working two damn jobs

Your mom is sick with lupus

You clean our house

You feed the dogs

But there's something

I've been needing

It's that thing

That's sometimes bleeding

I'd like to do what we can do

To turn this thing around

How about we f***?

How about you suck?

How about you get a better job

So you can buy me a better truck?

How about we f***?

How about you suck?

I don't need an answer now

But while we're waiting

Can we f***?

Oh, it seems to me

I ain't asking for much

If I pull it out

Can I just get a touch?

It's a candy cane in your mind

Candy girl

It's a love baton

Won't you take it for a twirl?

Boys, like we're camping.

How about we f***?

How about you suck?

How about you get a better job

So you can buy me a better truck?

How about we f***?

How about you suck?

I don't need an answer now

But while we're waiting

Baby, can we f***?

[cheering]

Don't you feel better now?

Don't you feel better?

I got three Mexicans working at my house.

I pay them in cash, because you've got to.

[laughter]

They're here tonight because they're

some of my closest family. I love them.

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