Rodney Carrington: Here Comes the Truth Page #7

---

Benny, 58 years old, he's here tonight.

I don't know where you are but I love you.

He come to me about six months ago,

and he said, "Ronnie..." because

he can't really pronounce my name.

[laughter]

He said, "I'm going to need

a knee replacement."

I said, "Benny, we're not going

to do it around here

with some goddamn veterinarian.

We're going to send you somewhere...

where I'd go, or I'd send my kids.

Thinking to myself, "How much

can a damn knee cost?"

Well, they're 55,000 dollars.

I know.

I paid for the son of a b*tch up front.

He went down to Birmingham,

to a world-renowned orthopedic surgeon,

and he gave him a new knee

and he's down there rehabbing,

eating berries and, you know,

bananas and cake,

and, you know,

just enjoying his life at the spa.

Calling me:
"It's great down here."

"Well, don't get too goddamn comfortable.

You're coming back, God damn."

And then Clemente, I've spent

about 14,000 on his f***ing teeth.

I'm like, "Do you even brush

your goddamn teeth?"

Now when he smiles,

they're f***ing beautiful.

Because I f***ing bought them.

His teeth cost more than his house.

[laughter]

And here's Donald Trump, who I love.

I'm a fan. I'm a big goddamn fan.

[cheering]

He's my guy.

But he's talking about sending them back,

and I'm like, "You ain't going nowhere.

It's like the Holocaust.

We'll hide your ass in the basement

until sh*t blows over.

You're going to stay right here.

You know, when we're born, the first thing

we come in contact with is a titty.

[strums guitar]

Laid on our mama's stomachs, it's shoved

into our face as a symbol of nourishment,

peace and tranquility and calm.

Nobody ever gets angry

when they see a pair of titties.

You could be ready to fight,

and some girl pulls her shirt up,

you're like, "Hold on a sec."

[laughter]

Because they're peaceful.

They offer peace.

Peaceful.

It's proven that if a man or woman

looks at a pair of titties for 20 minutes,

your blood pressure will drop 20 points.

That's true.

You're never healthier

than when breastfeeding,

which is why I only date pregnant girls.

[laughter]

Look at how glowy I am, right now.

Although I do have a lot of baby fat,

so I've got to lay off the titty.

Girls, titties offer healing.

Healing.

Tonight, when you're called upon to bring

your titties into the air conditioning,

know you're offering more

than just pleasurable experience...

to me and all the other men

and lesbians in here tonight.

You're offering more than a hearty meal

for an eight-month-old.

You're offering a healing.

Can I get an amen?

-[crowd] Amen!

-That's right.

Somebody in here tonight

has got a bad knee.

I know you're in here.

Five more minutes, you're going

to be dancing. Can I get an amen?

-Let me hear you.

-[crowd] Amen!

Somebody in the back has got their own set

of gonorrhea. Goodbye, gonorrhea.

[laughter]

So long, gonorrhea.

Can I get an amen? Goodbye, gonorrhea.

Amen!

Gonorrhea. Who the f***

catches gonorrhea any more?

Let's heal somebody.

Oh, it seems to me

This whole world has gone crazy

[whistling, cheering]

Too much hate and killing going on

But when I see the bare chest

Of a woman

You know my worries

And my problems are gone

No one thinks of fighting

When they see a topless girl

And maybe if you would show yours too

We could heal the world

Let's heal somebody, can we, girls?

Come on.

Come on, nobody knows you in here.

Show them to me

Show them to me

Unclasp your bra

And set those puppies free

They look a whole lot better

Without that sweater

And I'm sure you'll agree

If you've got two fun bags, come on

Come on, show them to me

I see a pair up here,

but they've got hair on them.

Those are the wrong kind.

But my headache is

starting to go away, fella.

I don't care if they don't match

Or one's bigger than the other

You can show me one

I'll imagine the other

Even if you're really old

There's nothing wrong

Don't be sad

Your b*obs ain't bad

They're just a little long

Show them to me

Lift up your shirt

And let the whole world see

Just disrobe and show your globes

And a happy man I'll be

If you got those chichis

Come on, stand up

I've met a lot of them

But never one I've hated

Even if you've had 13 kids

And you think they look deflated

There's no such thing as a bad breast

I believe this much is true

If you're a big fat man

I'm a titty fan

And I'd love to see yours too

[cheering]

I see them big old titties.

Son of a b*tch!

You didn't even wear a bra tonight,

you fat bastard. I love it.

So show them to me

Show them to me

Those are some of the biggest titties

I've seen on a man.

Just like the girls going wild on TV

Just lean back and show your rack

I'll be in ecstasy

If you've got two casabas

You can show them to me

It's OK, I'm a doctor, I can see

All the world will live in harmony

It will do you good

It will give me wood

And we'll make history

If you love your country

It's coming back.

It's coming back!

[cheering]

No wonder you motherfuckers voted

for Cruz.

There ain't one titty in here.

There's a pair of titties right there!

There's a pair of titties back there!

There's some.

There's some more right there.

By golly, somebody got healed.

Then stand up

Show them titties to me

Those are nice right there, boy.

You all been so much fun. Thank you

so much for being out here.

Go home and love each other.

Good night. Thank you.

Thank you for coming out. Thank you.

Good night.

[whistling, cheering, applause]

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes