Roger Dodger Page #8

and Nick is at|his absolute peak sexually.

So, I figure,|the two ofyou go at it...

it would be|like Frazier and Ali.

- Right?.|- Something is wrong with you.

No, I'm serious.|What do you say?.

- As a kind of a...|- I'm gonna--

Red Cross moment or--

Okay. Nice to see you.

- How's it goin' over here?.|- Hey, Roger.

- Now, who let you in?.|- Who let me in?. You let me in.

What?.

You know, Nick here|is a real ladies' man.

You're luc he's spending|all this time with you.

Yeah, that's me.|The luc lady.

Actually... I think|I had too much to drink.

- Uh-oh.|- Would you like to lie down?.

Nick, Nick.|Excellent idea.

Good one. Come on, darling.|Let's find you a place to lie down.

Oh, no.Just when things|were getting good.

Things are still good.

- Come on.|- Where are we going?.

- We're going.|- We are?.

We're going right around|this little corner.

- Here we go.|- I forgot to eat.

Nick, stay with us.|Keep close.

- Okay.|- Good.

- All right. So I'll just--|- Oh, excellent.

- Are you all right?.|- I'll just leave you two together.

- Okay.|- No, don't go.

- You're in capable hands, believe me.|- What are you doing?.

Hang on a second.

What are we gonna do?.

We are not gonna do anything...|at all.

I'll be on guard duty, okay?.

You need to work fast. If I were you,|I'd switch to the two-minute offense.

What are you talking about?.|Wait, Uncle Roger--

Love you.

Don't go.

Oh, let me introduce you.

This is Donovan Lehman,|Christopher Weland...

our two collaborators.

I think they're gonna be|perfect foryou.

You told me you wanted something|a little bit magic, a bit surreal.

Hey, hey, Donovan.|How are you, man?.

- Roger. Hey, man.|- How are you?.

Hey, Chris.

Look at you two.

You seem like the happy couple.|What's your secret?.

Sorry. You know what they say about|dipping the pen in the company ink.

- I guess so.|- I know what they say. Yes, they do.

All right.

Look at you.

Go to sleep.

I think we got sidetracked there.

Seriously, Donovan, with all|the pressure facing men today...

it's got to be tough|to maintain a relationship.

I don't know.|Let's ask a man. Chris?.

Traditional male roles|are being tossed aside...

before we have any chance to make|an internal shift, don't you think?.

Our culture seems designed|to emasculate and infantilize.

- That's a strong statement.|- Why don't you go and...

help yourself to some food?.

It's particularly true|in a situation when the woman is...

two decades older than the man.

- Roger!|- Approximately.

We were having|this discussion the other day--

Is it your mission in life|to humiliate yourself?.

It's more of a hobby really.

I want you to leave right now.

You want me to leave|and go where?.

Think very hard|about what you're doing.

Go where,Joyce?.|Where do you want me to go?.

You're through.

You lied to me.|You are a liar.

- I want you to leave.|- Who's he?.

Who the f*** is he?.

Who the f*** is he?.

Who is he?. What--

Don't get comfortable.

Don't ever settle in|like you own the place. Trust me.

There's always something|gaining on you.

And here they come now.|Hey, guys. Good luck.

Sorry. Take care now.

Let me get a coat here.|Take care.

Nice to see you.|Thanks, Joyce! Bye-bye!

What just happened?.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

That didn't go|exactly as I had hoped.

What happened in there?.|What were you shouting about?.

Doesn't matter.|What about you?.

- Did you get it on with Donna?.|- No.

- Why not?.|- Are you kidding?. She was passed out!

Nick, you have had one golden|opportunity after another this evening.

You haven't exactly shown yourself|to be a clutch player.

- Hey!|- What happened in there?.

- Are you drunk?.|- I'm going home.

- Where do you need to be dropped?.|- What?.

That's it?.

We've had a full evening.|I thinkyou're ready to fly solo.

- You said there was a fail-safe.|- What fail-safe?.

Back at the bar.|You said there was a fail-safe.

Did I?.

- I don't thinkyou want the fail-safe.|- No, I want it! Just stop.

- You sure?.|- Yes, I'm sure.

I'm not going home like this,|all right?.

I'm sure. Okay?.

You know what?. You're right.

Why give into a slump?.|Let's go down swinging.

- Yes. Like Michael Jordan.|- Right.

That's the wrong sport,|but I like your enthusiasm. Let's go.

All right. Thanks.

Come on. Come on.

Hey. Two of us.

That's 200.

One... two.

- Is he a minor?.|- I'm an actor. I'm researching a role.

It's a hundred to f*** me.

Tip.

Come on.

Wait.Just slow down.

Please slow down.

- We're goin' home.|- Hey! Hey!

- What are you doing?.|- Easy, easy.

Get outta here.|Motherf***er, get off me!

Motherf***er, get off me!

- Get off me!|- Get outta here!

Nick!

Nick.

Nick, don't worry about it.

It's okay. It's all right!

Nick!

Chill!

It's all right, man.

Jesus.

F***ing booze.

Come on.

Come here.

-Jesus.|- Don't tell--

Go to sleep.

Okay.

an n

n| n n n a

a an|an n a a

Oh, my God.

There's coffee.

I don't drink caffeine.

Yes.

I keep losing my balance.

- That'll pass.|- Yeah.

So, Nick...

tell me more about Columbia.

What did you think of the campus?.

I don't know.|It was fine.

Did you...|Iook around the neighborhood?.

Maybe you could tell me about the|different things you saw on your tour.

I'm sorry I got so mad.

You're what?.

Last night.

You were trying to teach me|the way that things are done, and I--

I guess I kept f***ing it up. So--

So I shouldn't have gotten so mad.

I'm... sorry I disappointed you.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Anyone can have an off night.|It's happened to me.

You said you score every night.

I say a lot of things.|Look, Nick.

Call your mom, will you?.

I'm sure she would like|to hear from you.

Forget it.|I'll see her when I get home.

Call her anyway.|Come on.

I'll leave you to it.

I guess I'll see you|at the next funeral.

Why?. Who's sick?.

What?. No, I'm kidding.

Me too.

All right.|Good-bye, Uncle Roger.

See you, Nick.

Don't tip. I got it.

How long does it usually take|to get to the airport?.

- About a half hour, sir.|- Right.

You see Angela today?.

- How come?.|- No bra.

I swear to God.

That's unhealthy. They're gonna sag|when she gets older.

F*** 'em up.

So go tell her, Nick.

What?.

Go tell her.

Yeah, maybe she doesn't know.

- You know, you'd be doing her a favor.|- Yeah.

A true favor.

Yeah.

Look who dropped by|for a visit.

Girls.

Young women.

Female human beings.

Female hearts|beating beneath...

those tight sweaters.

Feminine blood|coursing through theirveins.

Living, breathing girls.

What are you young men in the|prime ofyour lives doing about this?.

I'm doing plenty.

- Yeah?. You're getting plenty of action?.|- Oh, yeah.

He has to beat 'em off|with a stick.

Unfortunately, I'm not talking about|"whack-off.com," okay?.

I'm talking about|the girls in this room.

I'm talking about communicating.

I'm talking about engaging.

I'm talking about|standing up from this...

guys-only, StarTrek-convention,|frankly, homoerotic little group...

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